


i knew you (hand under my sweatshirt)

by shelbyshlf



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff, Pretending to be Friends, Slow Burn, Smut, The Unsinkable Eight (The Wilds), enemies to lovers to enemies who have feelings for each other to lovers, fatin is omniscient, leatin in the background, slow burn but for like lesbian standards so it’s not THAT slow, will they won't they
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-14 00:53:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 47,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29535036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shelbyshlf/pseuds/shelbyshlf
Summary: "Look, I'll be straight up with you, okay? Marty doesn't know about this shit. For some stupid reason she trusts you almost as much as she trusts me. So for her sake and her sake only, I'll pretend to be chill with you. She's sacrificed too much for me already." Toni walked towards the girl who had fear and something else in her eyes, their faces so close that she could feel her breath on her skin. "Don't ever for a second think I actually like you."orShelby's the new girl and she's forced into pretending her and Toni are friends, until they end up as something more. Everyone’s 18+
Relationships: Fatin Jadmani & Leah Rilke, Fatin Jadmani/Leah Rilke, Shelby Goodkind & Toni Shalifoe, Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 252
Kudos: 657





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm gonna try to post as regularly as possible. enjoy!
> 
> chapters get longer and more detailed as they go on

For once, Toni’s life wasn’t bad at all. She felt that maybe there was hope of having a peaceful senior year filled with basketball practice, girls and parties with friends. So what if her girlfriend, Regan, had broken up with her over the summer? Toni was hot and everyone knew it, she wasn’t exactly short on options for girls to hook up with. Basketball took up most of her time anyway, so commitment wasn’t something on her list. She had a solid circle of friends, too: her best friend Martha, her old fuck-buddy and confidante Fatin, Rachel from basketball and her quiet but nice sister Nora, and Leah, who was a bit of a handful and Toni wasn’t sure exactly why they all liked her, but they did.

Toni was sat at a lab table waiting for Marty to come for the first biology class of the year. After Regan broke up with Toni, she had been in an awful place mentally and physically. She couldn’t deal with staying with her barely-there foster parents while not being able to crash with Reagan all the time, so she spent a lot of time sleeping at 24-hour libraries. Luckily, the librarian knew her and took pity, so she’d turn a blind eye when Toni fell asleep on the comfiest armchair in the building. Martha was having none of it though, and soon, Toni had moved in with her and Martha’s mum. She made sure they never forgot how thankful she was for them.

Toni zoned out during the first five minutes as students piled in, chatting excitedly about their summer holidays. Beach resort this, snorkelling that. Toni wasn’t sure she’d ever even seen the sea in her life. She had a very faint memory of going to the coast with her biological mum when she was very little, but at some point Toni accepted that she’d probably made it up.

An intoxicating waft of vanilla perfume and citrus scented shampoo flooded Toni’s nostrils. She grimaced, snapping out of her daydream to look at the girl in a denim jacket who had just sat down next to her.

“Who are you?” Toni snapped, more coldly than she’d anticipated.

“I just transferred here from Texas for my daddy’s job. My name’s Shelby,” said the girl who was way too cheerful on a Monday morning in a thick Southern drawl. “What’s yours?”

The blonde extended her hand, as if she was expecting Toni to shake it. The first thing Toni saw was a cross on the girl’s neck, because of course she had to be a Christian on top of everything else, followed by the piercing green eyes and an overly enthusiastic pageant smile. Toni didn’t have a problem with Christians per se, but this girl definitely gave her the uses-the-Bible-to-excuse-hate vibes. She glanced down at her clearly very well moisturised hand, considered taking it for a moment, but Toni decided she was absolutely not risking getting sliced by those long, fake acrylics. It’d mess up her basketball practice this afternoon.

“That seat’s taken,” she grumbled.

“Oh, um-“ Shelby glanced around, looking for an empty space. “I’m sorry but there aren’t any others around here, I can move up one?” She went to sit on the stool one seat over.

“Shelby! I’m sorry I lost you,” said Martha as she sat between the two girls. “The hall’s always so hectic between homeroom and first period.”

Toni blinked at her best friend.

“That’s no problem, luckily I happened to stumble into the right room.” She laughed as she moved her book to her new seat and, damn, thought Toni. How could a laugh sound so fucking Southern? “I was just talking to, um...” Shelby looked at her expectantly, waiting for her to tell her her name. She glanced at the girl’s textbook for the answer, noticing a tiny rainbow sticker on the top corner, making her raise an eyebrow. It lasted for only a second, but Toni caught it, and it filled her with a dull rage.

“Toni?” Martha asked. “Yeah, don’t worry about her she can get in moods sometimes but she means well.”

Toni smiled her fakest half-smile, not meeting the Southern girl’s eyes. The other two girls chatted away happily as if Toni wasn’t even there. _God, this was gonna be a long semester._

“Lord, I’m so sorry to ask but do either of y’all have a pen? Mine’s run out.” Without a second thought, Toni flicked the one she’d been using across the three-seater desk to Shelby and picked up a new one from her own pencil case. She thanked her and Toni just nodded, not looking at her.

-

The second the bell rang, Toni gathered her stuff in one swift motion and darted out of the classroom, Martha at her heels.

“Why the hell are you friends with that Bible thumper?” asked Toni flatly. “I bet you her father would send me to conversion camp the second he lays eyes on me.”

“Toni!” Martha scolded. “You can’t judge her so harshly. Our homeroom teacher paired us up so I could show her around. She seems really sweet.”

“Yeah, just you wait until she befriends Andrew and his friends and starts calling me a fucking dyke all the time. Where is she now, anyway?”

“English is just down the hall, I gave her directions.” Martha looked down at her feet and then up at Toni as they came to a stop outside the study hall. “I promised I’d get lunch with her, I’m assuming you don’t wanna come?”

Toni scoffed. “Thanks Marty but I’ll pass up being besties with the Jesus freak. You’re too tolerant sometimes, you know.” She gave her friend a playful light shove. “I’ll see you fifth period.”

“Have a good day!” Martha called out as they walked in different directions.

-

“Hey, Shalifoe,” greeted Fatin as Toni sat down next to her on the cafeteria table, forcefully putting her tray down. Fatin raised an eyebrow. “Bad day?”

Toni glanced over to where Martha and the cowboy girl were sat a few tables over, laughing at a joke. Shelby’s hand was on Martha’s arm as she leant towards her, trying to speak through her laughter. Something about it made Toni’s fists clench. “Checking out the new hot girl?” she pressed. Toni scoffed. “I found one myself. This,” she gestured to the girl in cargo pants next to her, “is Dot. She just transferred from Texas.”

“Jesus fucking Christ,” responded Toni. “How many of them are there?”

“Nice to meet you too,” joked Dot. “Don’t worry, I’m not a Bible-thumping Jesus freak, there are some normal people down South.” The corners of Toni’s mouth turned up.

Dot turned out to be super funny, and she got along with the rest of Toni’s friends which meant she was good in her books. Her accent wasn’t anywhere near as thick as Shelby’s was, which relieved her, because she sure as hell couldn’t deal with that from more than one person.

The rest of the day went smoothly. She liked all her teachers so far and Shelby was only in another one of her classes, but Fatin was also there so it was fine. Toni was fine. She knew she’d get captaincy of the basketball team this year, the only other real contender was Rachel but she was too busy with her diving to be fully committed to the role. This _was_ going to be a peaceful senior year and Toni _was_ going to enjoy it.

After practice was over, Toni didn’t bother changing out of her kit and headed straight home for a shower. It was around 40 minutes of walking distance away, not long enough to tire her out but it still gave her time to clear her head. Before she could make it through the parking lot, however, she heard Martha call out to her from across the space.

“Toni!” She turned her head and saw her best friend standing next to none other than that freaking new girl. _Would she just leave Toni’s head for God’s sake?_ “Shelby’s offering us a ride, wanna come?”

Toni raised an eyebrow at the shiny pink convertible, decided she was too exhausted from the first day back to walk home, and jogged across the lot to them. Not meeting Shelby’s eyes, she grumbled a thanks to her as she climbed in the passenger seat. Shelby went to protest, arguing Martha was going to sit there, but Martha said something about Toni getting carsick, so she dropped it and started driving.

“I’m not gonna feel you up while you drive if that’s what you’re worried about, Shelby.” Something about the way that Toni said her name for the first time in _that_ sentence made Shelby’s breath hitch.

“Toni...” began Martha, but Toni rolled her eyes.

“Marty, I saw her reaction when she saw my stupid little rainbow sticker on my book. It’s chill, I’m used to this kinda stuff, I don’t care.”

Toni did care. Not because she wanted Shelby to like her, but because Martha did and she wanted to be a good friend to her, but then again Martha likes just about anyone.

“There’s no hate in my heart.” Shelby tried to defend herself, but Toni knew that sort of discomfort when she saw it. You don’t have to yell slurs to be homophobic, those looks say it all.

“Right.” Toni huffed and put her foot up on the dashboard.

“Don’t do that, you might lose a leg,” advised that _stupidly_ southern voice. She rolled her eyes and put it down.

After what felt like an eternity in hell, the girls finally pulled up into Martha’s driveway.

“Thanks for the ride, Shelby,” Martha said as she stepped out of the car, Toni following suit. A gentle hand caught Toni’s wrist as she tried to get out.

“Toni, can I talk to you for a sec?” Martha waved and walked inside. Toni sighed and sat back down.

“What?” she snapped.

“Close the door, I’m cold.” Toni rolled her eyes.

“It’s Minnesota, this is like peak summer weather for us, it’s fucking boiling.” She shut the door anyway.

“You swear a lot.”

“So fucking what, Shelby?”

Shelby had never felt anything when someone had used her name. It was strange.

“I just need you to know that I meant what I said when I told you I have no hate in my heart. God wants me to love everybody, no matter who they are.” Green eyes bore into Toni’s side profile as she stared straight ahead. “You seem like a nice girl, Toni, and I like Marty and she likes you so I’d like to get along if that’s alright.”

Toni finally looked her in the eyes, really looking, trying to find any snark, judgement or malice but she found nothing but kindness shining through those annoyingly really freaking green eyes. Like, really really green eyes. Shelby offered her a small smile and a hand on the shoulder.

“Has anyone ever told you you have the most drop-dead gorgeous eyes?” asked Shelby, her accent particularly thick. Toni blinked, the girl’s gaze becoming too intense for her to match. The words made her feel some type of way, but she shook it off knowing full well this is just what straight girls did unknowingly. Some of them are too nice for their own good, and Shelby’s definitely one of those. Handsy, dropping compliments like they’re nothing, Toni was used to it.

“I gotta go. Thanks for the ride.”

Toni up and left as fast as she could, not giving Shelby a chance to reply. She made it about halfway up the driveway before she turned back, grabbing her bag from Shelby’s hand out of the card window and spinning back round on her heels, not muttering a word.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is quite short but I promise I'll make up for it with C3/4 tomorrow - they're already written and are much longer.

Maybe Shelby wasn’t that bad. Toni had begrudgingly told Martha that it was okay for Shelby to have lunch with the group, mostly because she missed having Marty there, and also because maybe it’d be good for Dot to have someone who was also new around to balance out Fatin’s intensity.  
  
Surprisingly, Shelby fit right in with their group. Leah and her both had the same favourite playwright - which is how Toni found out Shelby was an actress - and she also used to be a swimmer, interestingly, which made Rachel warm up to her. Whenever Fatin would make a crude joke, however, Shelby would quickly glance in Toni’s direction, allowing her pageant smile to drop for the briefest of moments. She’s trying, Toni told herself. She’s probably just a massive prude and saving herself for marriage.  
  
Every so often, Shelby would come round and help Marty out with biology homework. Toni noticed she was learning a lot about her quite quickly: she’s smart, an actress, loves country music, wears the nicest goddamn conditioner in the country, etcetera. It didn’t hurt having extra company. Plus, she had a car - a pink convertible at that, but still - and though Toni loved her walks, all the work from senior year was already wearing her down, so the rides home were welcome. Sure, she had to put up with the two of them performing karaoke to Taylor Swift every time, but ‘Love Story’ was Toni’s guilty pleasure and Shelby was surprisingly good at singing - another thing she learnt about her - so it could have been worse. Martha seemed to trust Shelby, telling Toni it was an “aura” she could feel from her, going as far as telling Shelby personal secrets she’d only shared with Toni. Not _those_ secrets, she was trying too hard to forget them, but other lighter ones she reserved for only those closest to her.  
  
Everything went smoothly for almost a whole month, until something that Toni did not want to find out about Shelby was added to the list.  
  
“Fine! I’ll tell you,” Shelby giggled as she gave into Fatin’s interrogation on her love life. “I’ve started dating this boy, Andrew, he goes to my church, y’all know him?”  
  
Toni and Fatin shot looks at each other from across the lunch table.  
  
“Yeah,” responded Fatin in a deadpan tone. “He’s... Yeah, Andrew, yep.”  
  
Toni knew Shelby was straight already, so that wasn’t the biggest reason her stomach dropped. The fact that it was Andrew of all fucking boys Shelby could’ve chosen. _And she was doing so well!_  
  
“Aww, that’s so cute Shelby,” said Martha, completely oblivious. Toni made sure she was never around when Andrew was, she didn’t want her to see the sort of shit he put her through, it’d just upset her. She always avoided him as best as possible, but when she was with Marty she took extra steps to do so. She dealt with enough of Toni’s crap as it was.  
  
“Toni, you alright?” asked Shelby. “You look like you’re gonna break your fork.”  
  
Toni let go of the cutlery as everyone turned to look at her. _Maybe she doesn’t know what he’s like_ , she thought. _Maybe she really just thinks he’s a nice normal guy cause that’s what he shows her. Or maybe she’s the type of girl who thinks it’s okay to agree to disagree on human freaking rights._  
  
Fatin, being the one with the exceptionally sharp social awareness, moved the conversation on, and soon everyone but Shelby and Toni had forgotten about what had just happened.  
  
-  
  
Toni had really tried to convince herself it was all fine until the next day when she saw Andrew sloppily making out with Shelby against the block of lockers where Toni’s one was. She kept pushing Andrew’s wandering hands away, not even letting him unbutton that denim jacket of hers, no doubt a reflex from her deep ingrained belief of saving herself for marriage. That made Toni laugh for some reason, noticing how he was as awful at straight shit as he was at being human.  
  
She cleared her throat and Shelby immediately parted from the man-sized leech next to her.  
  
“Hiya Toni, sorry, this is your locker isn’t it? We’ll move,” is what Shelby would’ve said, had Andrew not got to Toni first.  
  
“What the fuck are you staring at, dyke?” He walked towards her, trying to intimidate her.  
  
“Get out of my way, I’m trying to get my fucking books out of my locker.”  
  
His hand slammed into the lockers next to her head. Toni looked past him to Shelby, who looked mildly horrified, but said nothing.  
  
“Unless you want a busted lip again I suggest you fucking move,” Toni spat, shoving her way past him to her locker, trying to ignore the rage that made her hands shake as she punched her combination in.  
  
“Dude, she’s not worth it, you know how they all are,” she heard one of Andrew’s friends who had just approached say behind her. Toni slammed her fist into the locker, breathing heavily and trying to count to ten the way Martha had taught her to help calm her down.  
  
“You okay?” Shelby asked softly from next to her. Toni jumped, thinking she’d gone with them.  
  
“Why the fuck do you care? Leave me alone.” She moved to walk away but Shelby grabbed her wrist before dropping it quickly like it was on fire.  
  
“I’m sorry he said that awful word to you, you didn’t deserve that, I-“  
  
“You’re the one dating him, Shelby. Apologise to yourself for being with such a bigot.”  
  
“He’s... It’s not-“ Shelby tried to find a way to convey exactly what she was thinking to Toni, but soon gave up, knowing there was nothing she could say that would help.  
  
“You’re almost as bad as him, you know? Enabling that sort of behaviour.”  
  
“I don’t agree with the hate, I-“  
  
“Drop it, Shelby,” Toni snapped. “I see the way you look at me when Fatin makes gay jokes. I see how uncomfortable it makes you. You think you’re all loving and shit until you’re actually face-to-face with hate and you can’t help but to go along with it, cause you know deep down you believe that me being who I am is wrong.”  
  
Shelby looked at her for a few seconds, an indecipherable emotion on her face.  
  
“You don’t know how I look at you,” she finally said in a low voice.  
  
“Oh,” Toni scoffed, “that’s what you’re getting from all of this?” She slammed the locker shut. “Look, I’ll be straight up with you, okay? Marty doesn’t know about this shit. For some stupid reason she trusts you almost as much as she trusts me. So for her sake and her sake only, I’ll pretend to be chill with you. She’s sacrificed too much for me already.” Toni walked towards the girl who had fear and something else in her eyes, their faces so close that she could feel her breath on her skin. “Don’t ever for a second think I actually like you.”  
  
Shelby’s eyes moved over Toni’s face as if she was trying to fully take in the sheer anger on the girl’s face. Toni barged into her shoulder as she walked away from Shelby, leaving her frozen in spot with her legs crossed, holding the cross to her chest.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If y'all haven't yet you should check out that thread about the symbolism behind Shelby's clothes

That Friday night, Toni was sprawled out in bed, exhausted from a week’s worth of practice and non-stop work. Pretending to be Shelby’s friend was wearing her down more than she thought it would. Every time they had the briefest of moments alone, Shelby would try to apologise again, but Toni wasn’t having it. At least, finally, the weekend was here and she didn’t have to think about her for two whole-

“We’re having a girl’s night!” Martha squealed as she jumped down onto Toni’s bed. “Shelby’s coming over in ten if you wanna get ready. I’ll need help with the air mattress, though.”

Toni, not wanting to upset her best friend, shut her eyes and focused on her breathing. _One... two... three... four..._

“Toni?”

Sighing, Toni sat up, tying her hair into a pony tail. “Yeah, yeah, I’ll help you out.”

She loved Martha like a sister, truly. She was always so happy and caring towards everyone despite being given so many reasons to be the complete opposite. But sometimes, just sometimes, she wished Marty could be just a little bit of a bitch.

Like clockwork, Shelby showed up in exactly 10 minutes with two pizza boxes in arm and an irritatingly dazzling smile. The three sat on the floor of Toni’s bedroom, just cause it had more floor space from her severe lack of stuff, eating in a somewhat comfortable silence. Well, it was comfortable for Martha. As they went downstairs to throw their trash away, Shelby offered Toni a small smile. Toni barely turned the corners of her mouth up - she was only trying to be _civil_ with her, not friendly.

Two films and too many snacks later, they finally decided to turn in, giving an exhausted Toni a sense of relief. Until it dawned on her what was about to happen.

Shelby walked back in from the bathroom, her pink toiletries bag in hand. Martha was laying down a duvet onto the air mattress, and Toni was sat in her own bed, scrolling through her phone.

“Oh, um...” Shelby looked at both of them, slightly confused.

“You’re sharing with me, Goodkind,” said Toni. There was a feeling inside her that felt like frustration at having to share a bed with Shelby of all people, but it wasn’t quite that. Besides, she knew she’d go to hell and back for Martha if she had to, and this was close enough so she sucked it up. She knew how anxious Martha got sharing a bed with anyone other than Toni. “Don’t worry,” she half-joked, “I won’t try anything.”

“I didn’t-“ Shelby started. “Alright.”

She noticed Toni’s ponytail was undone, allowing her brown curls to fan themselves out on her chest. For some reason, she let herself pause and examine the way they framed her face that was ubiquitous with freckles. She blinked suddenly and then climbed onto the other side of the bed, remaining on the very edge.

“Goodnight, guys,” whispered Martha as she turned off the lights. A minute later, she was fast asleep.

Toni was still scrolling through her phone, laughing quietly every so often. Shelby just looked at the way she smiled to herself.

“What’s so funny?” she whispered, asking the question in a genuine manner.

“Nothing, you won’t get it,” Toni whispered back. “It’s some Bly Manor thing, I doubt you’ve seen that show.”

“I’ve heard good things about it. Should I watch it?”

Toni laughed at the irony of it all quietly as to not disturb Martha.

“Sure,” she replied, “it might be a bit too scary for you, though.”

“I can handle horror,” defended Shelby.

“Still, it’ll skeeve you out, trust me.” She put her phone down on the bedside table and lied down, facing Shelby. Without another word, she shut her eyes to go to sleep.

Shelby hovered uncomfortably, her body half over the edge of the bed. She didn’t want to move in any way and disturb Toni, or at least that’s what she told herself as she fiddled with her cross necklace.

“You know,” mumbled the girl next to her, “this bed is fucking tiny. You can come closer.” Toni just didn’t want Shelby to feel so uncomfortable with the sleeping arrangements that she wouldn’t consider coming back. _For Marty_.

Shelby swallowed before taking her chain off.

“Alright. Could you put that on the table for me please?” She dropped it into Toni’s hand, who placed it on the table as asked.

“I’d have figured you sleep in that thing.”

“I don’t!”

She did.

She finally settled with her body fully on the bed now, her hand tucked under her head. Toni had her eyes shut again, seemingly trying to sleep. The reality was, she couldn’t; her heartbeat was erratically high, _probably from the adrenaline of the film they’d just watched_ , she thought. _Family comedies can induce a lot of adrenaline_. Quietly, she practiced evening out her breathing, which seemed to work until she heard that damn stupid annoying southern accent once more.

“I’m cold, is the heatin’ on?” Shelby inquired in a quiet voice.

“Shelby, it’s boiling. Maybe you should’ve worn warmer pyjamas.” Shelby shifted uncomfortably in her shorts, which were a bit short for a girl like her, Toni thought, but maybe the Lord didn’t care about sleepwear.

“Are there any blankets? I-“

Before she could carry on, Toni shuffled towards her, putting an arm over her torso. Shelby tensed, unmoving. She sure as hell regretted taking her necklace off.

“I’m basically a hot water bottle as I’ve been told, plus you’re right, this room’s a bit drafty and I could use the heat too without waking up Marty to ask where the spare blankets are.” She paused before adding, “Doesn’t mean I like you, I just don’t wanna catch a cold.”

Toni knew where the blankets were, she was just too tired to get them. Shelby didn’t answer - she just stared at Toni’s face, that emotion that Toni couldn’t decipher on it again.

“Dude, relax,” she assured her, “you can move, get comfortable.”

After two seconds of thinking about it, Shelby put her own arm over the smaller girl’s torso and moved her leg so that it was in between Toni’s.

_Fuck_ , she thought, the adrenaline coursing through her at a much higher level than before. _Shelby probably doesn’t know what the hell she just did._

They sat there in silence for several moments, neither of them daring to make eye contact but not daring to close their eyes either.

“Toni, I just wanted to say sorry again, I-“

“Stop,” Toni interrupted, retracting her arm. “I’m not interested, we can carry on pretending to be chill, it’s fine.”

“No, Toni, please hear me out. I truly am sorry for not stickin’ up for you. But I had no choice.”

Toni finally looked at her, a hard glare in her eyes.

“There’s always a choice, Shelby. Always.” She turned round to face the other way, not wanting to deal with this any longer. Shelby didn’t move however, and her arm stayed draped over her. Toni was about to tell her to move it, but before she could even gather the energy to open her mouth, she fell asleep.

-

That morning, Toni woke up to the feeling of a delicate hand on the bare skin of her abdomen. Drowsy, she smiled to herself and began to stretch, but quickly realised who it belonged to as she felt the gentle scraping of the nails’ edges, making her jolt in surprise.

Shelby woke with the movement, quickly recoiling and moving her hand off. Toni wished for a second that she hadn’t been so jumpy.

“Dude, are those talons real or acrylics?”

“They’re completely natural. Took me ages to grow.”

“They kinda scare me.”

Shelby laughed as the two of them got up and Toni allowed herself to smile at her before she remembered exactly who Shelby was, her face falling again. She noticed the drop in Toni’s expression and went to say something, but Martha walked in with a tray full of breakfast foods and they went back to pretending that they liked each other as friends.

For some reason unknown to Toni, Martha really liked Shelby’s company. So much so that Friday night sleepovers became a regular thing, and it always involved Toni offering to share her bed because it’s the least she could do for Martha. They had fallen into a good routine, pretending to tolerate each other and then falling asleep without another word. The days got colder as autumn hit its peak, yet each week they slept further and further away from each other. Toni used to wake up with a hand on her bare side, but one week it was over her shirt and the next it was gone.

Truth be told, Shelby was just getting annoyed at this point. She was trying so, _so_ hard for Toni, trying to make her forgive her, but she knew she couldn’t. Toni was beyond stubborn. And Shelby knew nothing that she could say would make her see how truly sorry she was.

“It’s cause she’s an Aries,” Fatin told her one afternoon in the parking lot, having noticed the coldness in Toni towards Shelby when Martha and the others weren’t around. “She’s stubborn as hell but there’s a fiercely loyal person under there. Trust me, I don’t befriend charity cases.”

Shelby just looked at her, puzzled by how omniscient Fatin was. She knew that Fatin knew Toni extremely well, but didn’t realise she could read Shelby’s mind too.

“You know,” she continued, “maybe if your boyfriend wasn’t a homophobic dick she’d open up to you more.”

“His beliefs aren’t mine, you know,” Shelby defended.

“Shelby, you tolerate them, you let him think it’s fine to physically push these people around and yell slurs at them all the effing time,” Fatin replied in a mildly frustrated tone. “If you’re gonna preach tolerance and kindness, act on it.”

Shelby bit her lip and looked across to the other side where Toni and her gym bag came into view.

“Yo, Shalifoe,” called Fatin as she walked closer. “Don’t forget to confirm if you’re coming for Halloween or not, I need final numbers.”

“Sure, whatever,” she dismissed. Without another word, Fatin walked away.

“Martha’s gone to a doctor’s appointment,” she told Shelby flatly. “So you can just go home.”

“Toni, I can still give you a ride,” she offered with a small twinkle in her eyes.

“Nah, I’m good, I’ll walk.”

“I wanna talk,” Shelby insisted.

“For God’s sake, if you’re gonna apologise for the billionth time don’t bother.” Toni huffed in frustration.

“No, I wanted to tell you I’m gonna try to do better,” Shelby said brightly. “I’m gonna try to, y’know, practice what I preach.”

Toni just blinked at her.

“Also, you look exhausted, get in the darn car.”

So Toni got in the darn car. She wasn’t sure if she believed Shelby’s promise, but she kind of missed actually liking her and not having to fake it all the time, even though the last time she tried that, it lasted for all of three and a half weeks. As the car came to a stop after 10 minutes of silence, Toni moved to get out before realising she wasn’t home, they were in some secluded spot near a forest.

“Shelby what the hell, are you going to ritualistically slaughter me here or some shit?” Toni asked with only a hint of sarcasm.

“What?” Shelby laughed. “No, Toni, I wanna get to know you more.” She undid her seatbelt and turned to face her. Toni looked genuinely confused but still kind of intrigued.

“Literally why though?” she asked bluntly.

“We got off to a shaky start, and I don’t want us to carry on like this,” Shelby said truthfully. “I wanna get to know the real you, Toni, under all this toughness you have outside.”

Toni could once again do nothing but blink at her.

“Let’s start by tellin’ each other fun facts about ourselves,” Shelby suggested, unreasonably excitedly, Toni thought. “For example, I like Taylor Swift.”

“I know.”

“You don’t have to be so darn blunt. I’ll go again then. Um...” She looked around as if physically searching for a fun fact, a smile on her face. “I’m allergic to shellfish. Your turn.”

“I like shellfish,” Toni replied, still bluntly.

“I’m a Virgo.”

“I’m an Aries, I think.”

_Of course._

“I love Nicholas Sparks novels.”

“Of course you do. Let me guess, your favourite book ever is The Notebook?” Toni asked mockingly.

“No, actually. And hey,” Shelby’s smile dropped as she went on, “nothin’ wrong with liking a good ol’ romance.”

Toni grimaced jokingly. “Yeah, I’ll pass, thanks.” Shelby giggled, which made Toni smile. _She was really trying,_ she thought.

“What sorta stuff do you like then?”

“I don’t read, I just watch shit. I like horrors and stuff,” she replied casually.

“We could watch a horror film together?” Shelby looked genuinely hopeful as she suggested that. Toni just laughed.

“We’re not that kind of friends yet, Shelby.”

_Yet._

“So, we’re friends?”

The hopefulness in Shelby’s eyes made Toni’s stomach twist in a way she could only describe as _weird._

“Whatever. Could you just take me back to Marty’s please? I need to do some homework.”

As they pulled up to the driveway, Shelby took Toni’s hands in hers. They were warm, and Toni noticed her nails had been trimmed a bit. _Interesting._

“I meant what I said, Toni,” she told her reassuringly. “I’m gonna try to do better.”

Toni gave her a small but genuine smile.

“I really hope so.”

She got out of the car and Shelby watched her leave, her hands burning into her own thighs. A breath that she’d been holding in for too long finally escaped her lungs as she threw off her blue denim jacket, chucking it in the backseat, uncomfortable with how tight it suddenly felt.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thanks so much for all the love so far. Feel free to drop ideas in the comments :) Shout out to Em for feedback on my drafts. Also, it starts getting even gayer next chapter I swear.

Shelby did not keep her promise. 

That weekend, while Toni was walking home from her shift at her godforsaken waitressing job, a pickup truck slowed down next to her. 

“Nice outfit, Shalifoe!” called none other than Andrew from the driver’s seat. Toni’s head snapped round to look at them. 

“Fuck off,” she yelled back.

“I’m sure the girls at the diner love it.” 

“I’ll slash your fucking tires, I swear to God.” 

Toni stared at Shelby in the passenger seat, waiting for her to do something, but she avoided even looking in that direction like Toni wasn’t even there. She seemed transfixed by the empty iced coffee cup in her hands, sipping through the straw as if there was anything but melted ice water in there. 

“Ooh, I’m so scared!” Andrew drove off, laughing like the maniac he was. 

Toni sprinted home, ignoring the angry tears spilling down her face.  _Fuck him and fuck Shelby Goodkind._

-

That whole week, Toni avoided Shelby like the plague at school. She felt betrayed. The minute she started warming up to her, the minute Shelby took back her promise. Martha thought Toni was walking home again for the sake of exercise, but in reality she couldn’t face Shelby right now and she needed to work off her frustration healthily. 

On Thursday, however, the worst happened. Andrew, being fucking Andrew, cornered her in the hallway. 

“What the fuck did you do to my truck?” He shoved her against the lockers. 

“I don’t know what the hell you’re on about.” Toni went to walk away but he shoved her again, harder this time. 

“Don’t play games with me, I swear to fucking God I’m gonna fuck you up so badly you won’t know what hit you.” 

For once, she was actually scared of him. He’d never been this physically or verbally threatening. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Shelby standing in the middle of the hallway with her other dumb church friends, none of them daring - or wanting, for that matter - to stand up to him. Before Toni could retaliate, the only other girl in that group, the short girl with brown curly hair, piped up. 

“That’s a bit much now, come on Andrew, leave her.” 

“You’re too soft, Becca,” he responded, finally walking away. 

Shelby looked at Toni and saw the fear that remained in her eyes, and Toni swore Shelby had it in hers too. In that moment, she just felt sorry for her, having to put up with such a shitty boyfriend but being too trapped in the relationship to leave. Still, she felt so goddamn angry.  _ How could Shelby look her in the eyes, swear she’d try to do better and practice what she freaking preaches, and then forget about it so damn quickly?  _

-

Luckily, Fatin’s party was this Friday so there’d be no weekly sleepover. Unluckily, Shelby was invited to the party and was dressed in the hottest damn outfit in the room. It was a simple but effective piece, clearly inspired by the first season of  _ American Horror Story_: a maid’s outfit with bloody makeup running down her face from her eye like the character of Moira, the housemaid ghost of the murder house.  _ Basic show choice, but still good_, Toni thought. She had thrown on her basketball outfit, put on some fake blood here and there, calling herself a zombie basketball player of sorts. Truthfully, she just wanted to wear comfier clothes. 

The party was small, for Fatin’s standards, there were only about 30 people all together. All the girls from their friend group were there plus some random people from different classes. It still felt packed and loud, though, especially once everyone had had a bit to drink. Fatin was dressed in a skimpy nurse outfit, of course, whereas most of the other girls took the same easy route that Toni took of minimal makeup and casual clothes.

Toni and Martha danced together for a bit, before Martha moved to dance with some sweet looking boy named Marcus from maths class. Toni sighed, happy that her friend was putting herself out there, bored now she had nobody to dance with. She scanned the crowd to see who else was available, trying to not look at the way Fatin trying too hard to cosy up to Leah, when her eyes locked onto Shelby in her maid outfit, clutching a bottle of vodka by the neck for dear life. 

Shelby was _properly_ wasted. She was balancing herself on a table covered in an array of miscellaneous drinks, laughing at everything she heard and saw. Her braid was untwisting itself, wisps of hair falling over her face and neck. Toni watched her as she picked up her phone, frowned at a text, and hurried into the bathroom.  _ Whatever_, thought Toni. However, when Shelby failed to come out within the next five minutes, she followed her into the bathroom, citing human decency as the reason to herself,  not the fact Toni cared about her. 

“Toni!” Shelby drawled as Toni entered and shut the door behind them, the last vowel overly elongated. “D’ya wanna know a fun fact?” 

Toni sighed, pitying the state she was in. “What?” 

“It was Becca who keyed Andrew’s truck, can you believe it?” Shelby was laughing. Toni was not. 

“She just messaged, she said... Andrew is cheating on you, Shelby! And I wanted him to back off and pay for it so I- I keyed his darn truck! Sorry for not intervenin’ with your friend earlier, she said.” 

“Andrew’s cheating on you? Bastard.” Toni acted surprised as she sat up on the counter, but she wasn’t. The most surprising part about all of this was that it was Becca who keyed the truck. Toni wouldn’t have taken her for someone willing to damage property for a friend. _More than Shelby had ever done for Toni, though._ She knew how to deal with drunk straight girls in the bathrooms at parties: act shocked, tell her she deserves better and that she’s a bad bitch, wipe her tears and give her water. It was simple. Shelby wouldn’t remember this, anyway. 

“She said I deserved better,” continued Shelby as she stumbled towards Toni. Her accent seemed thicker, probably because she was so drunk. “But I can’t break up with him, Toni, I can’t.” She placed herself between Toni’s legs, one hand on each thigh. “You wanna know why?” 

Toni swallowed and tried to move her hands away but didn’t respond, because before she could Shelby’s lips were on hers, moving quickly and desperately. Toni found herself kissing her back as Shelby pulled her forward, her leg just in the right place. Toni gripped the fabric of the costume at her sides before pushing Shelby off, rougher than she would’ve liked. 

“You’re drunk, Shelby, let’s get you home. Where are your car keys? I’ll drive.” 

Even though Toni didn’t have her own car, Regan had given her lessons so she was pretty okay at driving. Shelby was in the backseat, so out of it that Toni had to put her seatbelt on for her. 

“Are you sober enough to remember your address?” asked Toni as she buckled herself in and started pulling out of the driveway. The car smelled of Shelby, the sweetness of it making Toni’s stomach turn.

“My parents think I’m staying with Becca. They’d kill me if they saw me like this.” Shelby was still laughing. Toni sighed, knowing she’d have to take her back to Martha’s. 

“What would your parents say?” Shelby asked after a few minutes of silence.

“I haven’t seen them since I was 7,” Toni answered flatly, only because she knew Shelby would forget. The drunk girl stopped laughing all of a sudden. 

“Can we pull over? I don’t feel well.” 

Luckily, Toni had just approached that secluded forest area, so she stopped the car on the grass, helped Shelby out and held her hair back as she threw up at the base of a tree. Toni left for a second to retrieve some crackers and a water bottle she found in Shelby’s glove compartment and handed them to her, sitting down on the grass beside her.

“Take this, it’ll help you sober up.” 

Toni was only doing this because she wasn’t about to leave a wasted pretty blonde girl by herself with no way of going home.  It’s human decency. 

“I left my jacket at Fatin’s,” she said quietly, shivering into herself. 

“I’ll text her and ask if you can go round tomorrow to pick it up. Stay here, I’ll see if there’s anything in your car.” 

She got up and a few moments later came back with a huge pink checkered picnic blanket. It was big enough that they could both sit under it and leave space between them - but Shelby didn’t have a jacket and Toni did, and Shelby wasn’t acclimated to Minnesota weather and Toni was, so she offered her the corduroy jacket she was wearing and Shelby gladly accepted it. Still a little bit drunk, Shelby rested her head on Toni’s shoulder, an arm around her waist to keep her warm. Toni didn’t move, _only because she feared the medical bills from dealing with hypothermia._

“My daddy would kill me if he knew what I did at the party tonight,” Shelby told quietly. 

“Most girls get drunk in high school, it’s fine.”

Shelby looked up quizzically at Toni, who didn’t reciprocate her gaze, her eyes examining the soft curves of her features. There was no anger there for once, she seemed calmer and her face was softer. Riding the last of her liquid courage, she reached up to kiss her cheek. “I’m so sorry, Toni,” she said softly, “whatever I say and do, I’m not gonna mean, you know.” 

“Yeah, I know how being drunk works, Goodkind.”

Shelby sighed. “My hands are cold, are yours?” Shelby took Toni’s hands in hers, feeling their softness. She ran her thumb up and down soothingly. Toni relaxed under her touch, swearing to herself it was only because Shelby was warm and pretty. 

“You look so good in your costume,” she continued, tugging gently at the fabric. Toni smiled slightly and finally met Shelby’s gaze, holding it for a second before they both broke it, looking at each other’s lips. _She didn’t mean that,_ Toni thought. Shelby leaned forward and-

“I look hot as hell in it but I’m freezing, can we get back in the car?” Shelby rolled her eyes but let Toni help her up and walk her to the backseat. Toni got in the front and turned up the heating. 

“Can we not drive yet? I still don’t feel that good.” 

Toni glanced at the shivering girl in the backseat through the mirror. 

“And I’m freezing.” 

Sighing, she climbed into the backseat and let Shelby cover her in the blanket. Bits of dried grass fell onto the seat and Toni brushed them off onto the ground. The two of them sat still for several minutes until Shelby wrapped her arms around Toni’s waist, put her head on her chest and fell asleep. For a few moments, Toni allowed herself to slowly stroke Shelby’s back. _Only a few moments._

She only ended up stopping when she fell asleep. 

Toni woke up with a sharp pain in her neck from the weird position she’d been in - her neck bent at an uncomfortable angle and her body tilted and leaning on Shelby’s back. Shelby was still out cold, sprawled out in a strange shape, her mouth wide open and head on Toni’s stomach.  _Somehow_ ,  Toni thought, _she still looked pretty. Well no shit, she’s a pageant queen_.  Toni tried to poke her awake, but Shelby just mumbled something and got knocked back out again. Sighing, she climbed back into the driver’s seat, drove her to Martha’s and left to go for a jog without another word. 

-

The next Monday, Shelby didn’t sit with Toni’s group at lunch. Instead, she sat with her stupid boyfriend and his stupid minions and her not-so-stupid new best friend Becca. She’d stopped coming round to help Martha out with homework and told her she had something going on on Fridays from now on, so she’d have to miss their sleepovers. She even went as far as to start skipping biology classes, never even looking at Toni when they’d walk past each other in the corridors. At least, whenever her and Andrew made out, they’d be a few columns away from Toni’s locker at a minimum so she’d never have to ask them to move. She’d let him get more touchy with her, but her jacket still remained buttoned all the way up. 

This angered Toni - like really  really angered her. She didn’t care if Shelby had decided to hate her after all - she guessed she had been too drunk to remember the way she’d been helped let alone the kiss - but she sure as hell wasn’t going to let Shelby take it out on Martha. 

One afternoon when Toni didn’t have basketball practice, she approached Shelby’s car as she tried to step into it alone to go home. Shelby tried to ignore her but Toni slammed her hand down on the roof of the car. 

“Toni, what the hell?” Shelby yelled, closing the door and remaining stood on her side, across from Toni. 

“I don’t fucking care what you do or say against me but don’t take this out on Marty. You two can have sleepovers at your house or I can stay out of the way whenever you come over, I don’t care, but she’s really upset and confused as to why you’ve suddenly ditched her.” 

Shelby frowned, sensing the rage coming off of Toni. 

“You’re right, I’m sorry, I’ll text her. I’ve just been busy.” 

Toni went to make a bitter retort but couldn’t because, well, Shelby had said exactly what she’d wanted her to say. 

“Can I drive home now?” she asked coldly. 

Toni didn’t say anything, she just ran off and didn’t stop running until she got home. She’d half expected Shelby to offer her a ride, try to apologise for being like this, and then try to get her to play icebreakers for 10 minutes near the forest. Then Toni remembered she hadn’t exactly given Shelby a reason to like her, not one that Shelby could recall at least, and felt bad - but then she remembered Shelby hadn’t given Toni a reason to like her either. 

Okay, maybe that was a lie - Shelby had given Toni lots of reasons for her to like her and only one to dislike her, but Toni knew the bad outweighed the good this time. Maybe Shelby was scared that, if somehow she showed some sort of support towards Toni whenever she got harassed, Andrew would dump her. But why would she care that much? She was a drop-dead gorgeous pageant princess with the most beautiful green eyes Toni had ever seen and the most angelic singing voice ever - she could have her pick of any of the boys at school. _Literally any of them_. And girls, for that matter - if she wasn’t so rigidly straight and an enabler, Toni would’ve definitely tried to have a one-night-stand with her. Unfortunately, she was neither lesbian nor that good of a person, so she couldn’t do anything but stay the hell out of her way. She’d never admit it but Toni missed the times she’d woken up with her hand on her side. Maybe she should’ve just accepted Shelby’s apology earlier, then there would’ve been more time between her promising to do better and breaking the promise, which would’ve meant more time for Martha and her trio. 

_ For  Marty,_ Toni thought. 

Toni snapped out of it. _There was no way she’d be caught dead with those girl’s hands anywhere near her._ She thanked God every day that nobody had walked in when Shelby had tried to kiss her because she would not be found dead kissing Shelby fucking Goodkind. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone, thanks for your lovely comments and all the kudos! i really appreciate it especially this early on in the fic. only one chapter today but it’s a long one and i had to up the rating of the fic for it so i hope y’all like it. feel free to drop ideas in the comments!

That Friday, Shelby invited Martha to go to her house instead. Martha had begged Toni to come, but she told her to have fun, saying she needed to stay home and catch up on sleep because she’d been sleeping badly lately. That wasn’t entirely false, she really  did need to sleep. Every time she has tried recently, she’d get angry for no reason and kick at her duvet until she was too tired to not fall asleep. 

Tonight was no different - if anything, it was worse. Toni was alone, as usual, unable to sleep, as usual, when she could be getting fed takeout paid for by Shelby’s rich-ass parents and watching some dumb comedies with her best friend. But, she would’ve probably had to share with Shelby again, and she wasn’t sure she’d be able to pull that off, so maybe it was for the best.

She considered texting Fatin, asking her to come over to help take her mind off things, but she knew Fatin was at Leah’s tonight and she was definitely two fingers deep in her by now. She didn’t think that Leah was Fatin’s type, but then again everyone was Fatin’s type, so as long as her friend was happy so was she. Suddenly, her phone rang. 

‘ _Bible Girl_ ’

“What the hell, Shelby,” Toni grumbled into the phone. 

“Toni, I need you to come over right now.” She sounded desperate. “Martha’s just like... staring into space I dunno what just happened, she’s just giggling and not answering me.” 

Toni’s stomach dropped. She thought Marty had stopped disassociating like this a long time ago. Panicked, she grabbed her trainers and began to leave the house hurriedly. 

“I’m coming over, stay with her.” 

“Let me call you a cab.”

“I’ll run.”

“Let me call you a freaking cab, Toni, we need you here right now!” 

Toni got out of the cab as quickly as she got into it, rushing into Shelby’s house and up the stairs to her best friend. 

“Marty?” she said softly, putting her hand on her best friend’s shoulder. Martha was looking at the ceiling, smiling at it. “Marty can you hear me?” 

“Hi Toni,” she replied, elongating all her vowels. Toni turned to Shelby, who was standing behind them, terrified for her friend. 

“What the hell happened?” 

“I don’t know, we were just talking and having some snacks, she was eating some gummy bears she said she stole from your snack stash and-“ 

“Wait, hold up,” Toni interrupted. She noticed a bag of little colourful sweets at Martha’s feet. Toni started laughing, which made Martha laugh harder. Shelby just stood there, still looking horrified. 

“Shelby, she’s eaten pot gummies,” she said through her laughter. “Jesus, how many did she have?” 

“Only three or so.” Toni sighed with relief. “Thank the Lord my family’s not in tonight, daddy would’ve killed me if he knew.” 

“Listen, she’s gonna be fine, just give her some water and let her sleep and she’ll be good in the morning.” She went to walk out of the room before turning round to face Shelby. “Thanks for calling me, though. I’m glad you worry about her, at least.”

Before she could turn the handle, Shelby called out, “Wait! It’s real late, Toni, maybe you should just stay?” Toni raised her eyebrows, her smile dropping abruptly. “For Martha, I mean.” 

“What the hell do you want from me, Shelby?” 

Shelby paused. “I want you to st-“ 

“You apologise, promise me shit, break it, avoid me at school, and suddenly you want me to sleep in your goddamn house?” 

“I’m going to the garden to look at the planets,” said a very out-of-it Martha, walking out of the room. The other two raised their eyebrows but let her do as she pleased.

“Toni,” Shelby continued exasperatedly, “you don’t get it, I don’t wanna be like this-“

“Then don’t be!” 

Shelby stared at her wide-eyed. Toni saw her take a deep breath but before she could say anything else, Shelby was kissing her. It was slower this time, Shelby seemed shy and her lips moved tentatively against Toni’s who didn’t reciprocate. 

“Shelby, what the hell?” 

“I need you to get it.” Shelby looked at her with a desperation in her eyes, which were now darker than they’d ever been. “ _Please_.” 

Toni gave in, putting her hands on Shelby’s hips to pull her closer. She waited for Shelby to deepen the kiss but she didn’t - she just let their lips connect for a few seconds. Toni’s tongue slipped between her lips and Shelby moaned into her mouth. Heat rushed into Toni’s abdomen, spreading to the rest of her body. The first thing that had come into her mind was that Marty had offered Shelby one of her pot sweets and she was under the influence again, not knowing exactly what she wanted. But those things were strong and Shelby seemed way too sober right now - apart from the obvious fact that she was trying to make out with Toni right now. Toni’s tongue slid over what felt like a retainer, but she didn’t question it - _there had to be a reason why Shelby’s teeth were so perfectly straight after all._

Her train of thought was interrupted when Shelby pulled her down onto her lap as she sat on the edge of the bed - hips grinding upwards, desperate for friction, and hands cupping Toni’s face again as if it was the most precious most fragile thing in the world. Reluctantly, Toni pulled away and tried to still her own hips which had been involuntarily rocking in search for friction.

“Are you sure?” Toni asked softly, their foreheads pressing together. Shelby nodded eagerly without words, pulling her back into another kiss, making Toni groan into her mouth, very obviously turned on. 

“I need you,” Shelby breathed, “to understand.” With that, she lied down and pulled Toni down with her. Wanting to feel Shelby’s unbearably perfect body closer to her own, Toni pulled her by the hips so that their bodies were flushed together. She felt hands tug at her shirt, so Toni briefly broke them apart to kneel on the bed and throw her t-shirt off. Shelby could do nothing but stare. Toni hovered above her, perfectly tanned and toned body on display under her black sports bra. “Damn, Toni,” she said lowly, her accent the thickest it’d ever been. “You’re gorgeous.” 

Toni melted at the comment and felt her ego swelling at having someone who looked  that good - _who hated her, no less_ \- complimenting her like that. 

“You’re not so bad yourself, pageant princess,” she teased. Shelby’s eyes fluttered and she pulled Toni down for another deep kiss to repress a moan, the nickname clearly having an effect on her. They made out for another minute or so, both of them letting their hands wander more and more. Toni eventually pulled Shelby’s pink and white top off after asking permission in what Shelby considered to be the sweetest voice ever. 

“Could I please, uhh,” Shelby looked up at Toni’s face which was currently displaying a small, patient smile. Shelby decided she liked this side of Toni the most. “Can I touch you? Like... down there.” This made Toni chuckle - she wasn’t really that surprised by how polite Shelby was being. 

“Lemme get my clothes off first.” 

She went to unbutton her jeans but Shelby’s hands got there first. The amount of confidence she had astounded her.  _It made sense now_ , she thought as she threw her jeans onto the floor along with Shelby’s leggings, _ her not standing up for her \-  she was scared it would somehow out her,  _ _maybe._ _But being decent in those situations doesn’t make you gay_ _._ Toni tried to not dwell on the predicament too much, enjoying the feeling that came with Shelby’s hand slipping under her underwear. Shelby gasped as she felt just how wet Toni was as if she was surprised she could make her feel that way. It gave her a surge of confidence, so she rolled them both over so that she was straddling her, fingers still under the damp fabric. 

“You feel... nice,” Shelby uttered against Toni’s mouth through moans.  _ I’m gonna have to teach her how to talk dirty sometime_, Toni thought.  _ As if there will ever be a next time.  _

Right as Shelby was about to take things further, they heard footsteps on the landing coming towards the bedroom. 

“Shit, are your parents home?” hissed Toni as she picked up the clothes from the ground and put them under the covers, Shelby throwing the blankets over them. 

“No it’ll just be-“

“Hey guys,” slurred Martha, still laughing the way she had been before. “I saw Pluto in the sky. It told me, ‘Marty, you should go to sleep,’ so I’m going to sleep. Goodnight.” And just like that, Martha curled up on the mattress on the floor and fell asleep immediately. 

The two girls tried to hold back their laughter but the second they made eye contact with each other, they couldn’t hold it in anymore. They tried to keep quiet as to not disturb Martha, they really did, but everything about the situation made them want to laugh. They held onto each other’s hands as if that would physically support them in their goal to cease their laughter. 

After they took a few minutes to calm down, they looked at each other again, seriously this time. Toni’s eyes fell to Shelby’s lips, their faces inches away from each other’s.

“You can’t say a word of this to anyone,” Shelby half-whispered in a voice that sounded more scared than stern.

“Fuck, Shelby, I would never,” Toni responded, a little hurt that she’d think she would - but she understood what this meant for Shelby. 

“I’d love to, um, continue but... I don’t feel comfortable with Martha, y’know, being in here while we-“ 

“Shelby,”interrupted Toni softly. “Relax, I get it.” She went to roll off the bed, but a hand to the wrist stopped her.

“Wait, don’t leave, if you really want to we can, I-“

Toni stopped dead in her tracks and frowned. “What? No, I was going to the bathroom to clean up before bed.” She sat perched on the edge of the bed, Shelby’s hand still on her wrist. “You don’t owe me or anyone that sorta thing, okay?” Toni stood up. “Do you have a spare shorts and t-shirt? I don’t wanna sleep in my jeans in your perfect little bed and its fifty pillows.” 

“Oh, um-“ 

“I mean-“ Toni stuttered, “I can sleep onthe floor, I don’t wanna assume or anything.” 

Shelby smiled up at her, touched at how polite Toni was being. She sort of wished she were like that all the time. “There’s some in that drawer there, take what you like.” 

Toni decided to forego shorts but picked out a long white t-shirt with a pastel coloured print, thinking it was modest enough for a nightshirt, short enough to tease Shelby. Toni wasn’t exactly sure what Shelby was into, if maybe her kissing Toni was some sort of experimental phase she was going through, but there’d be nothing wrong with pushing some buttons. 

When she returned from the bathroom after quickly freshening up, Shelby was already in bed in her pyjamas, pretending to read a book. Toni climbed into bed and grabbed it from her to look at the title properly. 

“You do love your Sparks don’t you? You’re such a straight girl,” she teased.

“Toni,” Shelby said firmly, snatching the book back and putting it on the bedside table with more force than necessary. She grabbed Toni, one hand on her neck one on her waist, and kissed her roughly, not waiting to deepen it. “Are you sure about that?” 

“Am I sure you love shitty romcoms? Yeah.” 

Shelby grabbed the book back and playfully smacked Toni in the arm. “I hate you.” 

“I hate you, too.” Toni tried to keep a jokey tone in her voice, but judging by the look on Shelby’s face, she’d failed. 

“Goodnight, Toni.” Shelby turned the lamp off, leaving them in the darkness. Even so, Toni could make out that her eyes were still open and burning into her. 

“I don’t hate  _ you_,” she told her quietly. “I just hate your complacency and your stupid boyfriend and his friends.” She paused. “Apart from Becca, her keying the truck was some iconic shit.” 

Shelby let out a small laugh. 

“I’m a Christian, Toni.” 

“Doesn’t mean you have to tolerate that shit.”

Sighing in exasperation, Shelby pressed a hard kiss into Toni’s lips, making her melt under her touch. 

“I thought you were smart, what’s not clicking?”

Toni rolled on top of her and kissed her back, her hands wandering dangerously close to places they shouldn’t go. Shelby’s mouth wandered down her neck and this felt  so  strange and out of character that Toni had to ask - “Are you sure you didn’t accidentally eat some of my pot candy?” 

Shelby pulled away, annoyed. “Damn it, Toni, why is it so hard for you to realise that I want you? I need this, I need you to understand.” She resumed pressing open-mouthed kisses to Toni’s neck, much rougher this time, and when she scraped her teeth right above her collarbone, Toni squirmed, ridiculously turned on by the touch.

“If you like girls, you could just say so, you know.” Toni had meant to tease, but that hit a bit too hard. 

Shelby scoffed and nudged her off of her lap. “Goodnight, Toni.” 

She turned around, back facing her. Toni hated herself for it but her heart sunk. Shelby had opened up, given herself a chance to be vulnerable, and Toni had thrown it in her face. She wasn’t good at this kind of thing, she didn’t know what to do in that moment so she thought: _‘_ _what would I want Shelby to do for me right now? ’ _

Tentatively, Toni placed a hand on Shelby’s side, feeling a sharp intake of breath as she did so. Her hand cautiously moved under her top so that their bare skin could touch. A few seconds later she noticed something interesting. 

“I thought you didn’t sleep in that Jesus necklace,” whispered Toni.

“One of the reasons why I wear it is because I need to remind myself of what I can and can’t do. You’re one of those things, Toni.” 

Toni wondered which one she was, as if the answer wasn’t obvious. If she could’ve seen Shelby’s eyes, she would’ve noticed exactly how dark they were. Her grip on Shelby’s waist tightened. “Goodnight.” 

-

That was the best Toni had slept in weeks. She had woken up feeling warm and rested, and could almost swear her eye bags had magically disappeared overnight. Still disoriented, she rolled towards Shelby. 

“Good morning,” she mumbled sleepily into her hair.She heard the girl sigh contently as she put a hand over Toni’s, which was still over her side. 

“Hi there.” She turned to face her.

For a minute, just one, Shelby allowed herself to be free. She kissed Toni on the cheek and on her lips, slowly, and Toni gladly gave in, wrapping her arm around Shelby to pull her closer. 

“My parents are coming home soon but Martha’s still asleep so though we can’t... I’d like to just-“ 

Toni nodded and kissed her again, her hands moving up to cup Shelby’s face. 

“Toni,” she said softly, breaking them apart, her thumb rubbing light circles on her cheek. “Why do you have to run so hot all the time? You’re so much nicer when you’re like this.” 

“Shh,” Toni pressed their lips together again. “Don’t ruin this.”

Shelby’s hands wandered under Toni’s shirt, her fingers tugging at the elastic of the sports bra.

“Why would you sleep in this?” 

“I don’t usually, I just forgot to take it off.” 

“That’s unfortunate,” she whispered into Toni’s mouth, her thumb running under the line of the fabric, making Toni shudder. 

Suddenly, they heard a car pull up on the driveway. Shelby looked beyond panicked as she pushed Toni off of her. 

“Put your clothes on, pretend Martha got sick and you’re here to help her home.” Toni grunted as her clothes got thrown at her. 

“Dude, am I not allowed to be here for a sleepover?” 

“Well sure, but I didn’t ask permission for there to be two people.” 

Toni frowned, half upset that she got kicked out of Shelby’s warm bed when they’d been enjoying themselves so much, half upset on her behalf - clearly her parents were stricter than Toni had anticipated. 

“Quick, get dressed!” 

Toni hurriedly put on her jeans and threw her own t-shirt over the one she’d borrowed from Shelby to save time, which was just as well because Shelby’s father came into the room two seconds later. 

“And who’s this?” he asked, staring into Toni’s skull. His demeanour was honestly terrifying; she felt as if she’d just met the devil. 

“This is my friend Toni, she’s Martha’s sister. Martha wasn’t feeling well so she came to help her home.” The smile on Shelby’s face was so fake that it almost broke her heart.  _Imagine having to put on a performance for the people you’re meant to trust the most_ , thought Toni. It felt nice to have her call Martha her sister, though, even despite the context - nobody else had said that before. 

“That’s right, um, sir. Nice to meet you.” Avoiding eye contact at all costs, Toni whizzed past him over to where Martha was lying on the floor and gently shook her awake. 

“Marty? Marty, wake up, it’s time to go home.” Martha had never been good at recovering from being drunk so God knows how she’d recover from this. Toni suppressed a giggle as she remembered the way she’d been so convinced she had a chat with the planets in the sky last night. As she began to help the half-asleep Martha up, Dave Goodkind interrupted them. 

“Do you know what makes me feel better when I’m ill?” he asked. Shelby and Toni looked at him, one of them amused, one of them bracing herself for the worst. “Some good old fashioned toast. Helps settle the stomach. You’re welcome to join us too, um...” 

“Toni.”

“Toni! That’s right. Come on down in five minutes, we’ll have it all ready for you girls.” Toni was left wondering who’s smile was the fakest out of the two Goodkinds. 

Breakfast was awkward as hell. Shelby’s parents grilled her with questions about school and her life. Toni played up to the part of a good Christian girl, claiming to have “found God” recently, going as far to say she’d had one of those full-body adult baptisms. 

“I’m so glad Shelby’s got good friends like you two,” said her mom. “She sure didn’t have role models like this in Texas.” 

Without looking up, Toni could tell that Shelby had shot her mom a look. 

“Shelby’s settled in perfectly at school,” said Toni, laughing internally at how much she sounded like a teacher. Mrs Goodkind smiled back at her, Toni not being able to tell if it was as fake as everyone else’s smiles had been that day. 

“How are you feeling, Martha?” asked her dad. “Any better?” 

“I’m good, sir, how are you?” she responded, blissfully unaware of the entire situation.

Toni and Shelby avoided looking at each other, knowing that if they did they’d both burst out laughing. 

Eventually, the breakfast from hell ended, and Shelby drove them both home. 

“You’re almost as good of an actress as me, Toni,” Shelby joked as Martha walked off after thanking Shelby for everything. “I almost believed that Christian girl act you put on in there.” 

“Yeah, I bet you wish that was how I was all the time.” Toni smiled, joking back at her. 

“I don’t.” Her tone was too serious for Toni.

“Right, well, thanks for the ride and the food and whatever. Do you want me to give you your shirt? I can go inside and take it off.” 

“No,” Shelby interrupted quickly. “Keep it, it’s okay. It suits you.” 

Toni half-frowned, half-smiled at her. The two stood there in silence, standing opposite each other without saying anything. Toni’s thoughts raced all over the place - she tried to recall every single word Shelby had said to her last night, but her head kept getting stuck on the phrase “I need you to understand”. She didn’t get it. _Lots of people like Shelby weren’t straight,_ _ surely it couldn’t be that hard to at least be decent towards her in public.  _

Shelby, as if reading Toni’s mind, asked, “What can I do to make you like me, Toni?” 

“Be nicer.” 

“I wish I could do that, for you.” 

There was something so complex in Shelby’s eyes, but it was buried so far in that Toni couldn’t quite reach it. She’d built up so many layers to stop herself from being vulnerable that it made it almost impossible for her to show her real feelings. Toni wanted to leave it, she knew it wasn’t her duty to peel them all back to help Shelby breathe, but _God did she want to. _

“You can.” 

Shelby just wanted to shake her. “You know, I thought you of all people would be understanding about this,” she snapped, frustrated beyond words. “Can you just drop this? I’m sick of you making me out to be an awful person when I’m  _ stuck_, Toni, I’m stuck, and if you can’t see that then I’m sorry but you’re gonna have to let it go.” 

They stood for a few more moments in silence before Toni broke it. 

“It hurts, Shelby.” Neither of them was sure which part she was talking about: Shelby’s actions or the fact she was stuck.  _ Maybe both _ . Shelby could see it in Toni’s face - the hurt and betrayal - she’d seen it ever since the day in the truck. Something about it made Shelby’s stomach twist into the tightest of knots, so whenever it happened, she couldn’t bring herself to look at Toni - she couldn’t bear that look. She figured it was easier to rip off the bandaid, stop it before it could get worse, before she could hurt her any further. 

“I don’t think I like you, Toni.” 

Toni couldn’t say she wasn’t surprised by that, but it still hurt more than she expected it to. Her jaw tightened so hard she was scared it’d shatter. 

“Fine, okay, I don’t like you either. I’m happy with just pretending.” 

“Me too.” 

“Fine.” 

“Fine.”

Shelby got into her car and drove off, not meeting Toni’s eyes. If pretending to be Toni’s friend was the only opportunity to be able to be close to her without hurting her, then Shelby would take it. She was used to pretending. 

Toni went inside and immediately showered, trying to shake Shelby off of her. Ironically, however, the second she was out she put Shelby’s t-shirt back on, letting the smell of her engulf her. Toni made a mental note to ask what perfume she used at some point during an artificial conversation. She wasn’t ready to fake everything, not after the way she’d made her feel last night - but she knew she had to. _They both did._

-

The two girls did just that. They settled back into the usual routine of fake smiles, fake pleasantries, fake comfort at sleeping in Toni’s bed together whenever Martha would invite Shelby for a sleepover. The discomfort wasn’t from the fact they disliked each other, though. Sometimes Toni would decide to “accidentally” fall asleep on the sofa in the living room, or sneak into Martha’s room at night to sleep alone, just because she didn’t know if she could handle being so physically close to Shelby. 

One night, at around two in the morning, Toni was awoken by a bright light in the kitchen. She’d fallen asleep with her head in a textbook she’d been doing homework in on the table. 

“Marty?” she mumbled, trying her face from the paper. 

She looked up to see Shelby reaching into the cupboard. 

“Sorry, I just needed a drink.” 

Toni grumbled but didn’t say anything more. 

“You have a, um, there’s some paper stuck to your lip.” 

She frowned and ripped it off a bit too harshly. 

“Ow, fuck.” Toni wiped at her lip, a small bit of blood on her thumb. Shelby looked up from the sink. 

“You okay?” 

“Yeah, it just stings like hell.” 

Shelby walked around the counter over to where Toni was sat. Hesitating only for a second, she leaned down to kiss her, softly as to not hurt her. 

“Better?” 

Toni looked at her for a moment and pulled Shelby back down, for the first time initiating a kiss herself, moaning quietly into her mouth. She deepened the kiss, pressing her legs together at the surge of heat that rushed into her lower abdomen. 

“What are we doing?” she whispered, pressing their foreheads together. 

“Come to bed,” Shelby urged as she tugged on Toni’s hands. She obliged and let Shelby lead her back up the stairs, hardly breaking their kiss as they walked. They stumbled at the top of the stairs, laughing quietly to not wake anyone up. 

Quietly, they slid into bed. They ended up falling asleep wrapped in each other after making out for what seemed like hours, but Toni still felt it was over too soon. 

In the morning, Shelby had her fake smile plastered on again. The way she looked at Toni made her think that maybe she wanted to forget all about last night. 

It stayed that way in school too. Shelby had long since stopped skipping bio class, but when any form of group discussion occurred she avoided eye contact with Toni at all costs. She’d sometimes sit with everyone in the cafeteria, Toni figured she missed hanging out with everyone else and having the comfort of talking with another Texan in her loneliest moments, but more often than not she’d stay with her church friends. This made Toni feel empty, almost, which was stupid because her life was great: a good group of friends, she got her basketball captaincy, and she had girls practically throwing themselves at her. The problem was, she didn’t find herself wanting any of them. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi - thanks so much again for the kudos and comments, they’ve been super motivating! 
> 
> i spent a lot of last night freaking out over the fact erana noticed me on twitter. still not over it tbh.

“You need to get laid,” Fatin told Toni one afternoon. Toni was at her house with the guise of doing a presentation together for the one classes that they shared, but she knew Fatin just wanted her here to gossip. The two of them were lying on Fatin’s bed, staring at the ceiling. 

“I’m fine, thanks.” 

“Cmon Toni, I saw how that girl from the team was practically begging you for a date - and you just shrugged her off! She’s hot, what’s wrong with you?” Fatin was acting like Toni had committed a crime against humanity by remaining abstinent.

When Toni didn’t answer, Fatin gasped and propped herself up on her elbow. 

“You’re seeing someone!” she said as if she’d just cracked the enigma.

“Nope.” 

“You like someone?” 

“Nope.” 

“You’re so lying. You definitely have your eye on someone. Is it an ex?” 

“God, no, fuck off Fatin.” 

“So, if I asked you to hook up with me right here right now, you’d say no?” 

Toni scoffed. “Aren’t you seeing Leah?” 

“Well, yeah but,” Fatin glanced to her left. “It’s not serious or anything.” _Classic sign of lying._

“Sure,” Toni replied in her most sarcastic voice. 

“Fuck off, Toni.” Fain dropped herself back down dramatically. “The sex is so good. Like, earth-shattering, believe it or not. And she’s really fun, you know.” 

Toni turned towards her. “I think this is the most personal thing you’ve ever said about any of your hookups.” Fatin playfully pushed her, mock-offended. 

“Whoever this girl is, you should sleep with her.” 

“I don’t like her.” That came out more firmly than Toni had intended.

“Woah okay, chill Shalifoe I was just giving you some of my expert advice that is based entirely off of personal experience and observation.”

Toni was wearing Shelby’s t-shirt that day. It no longer had her smell of vanilla and the fruity shampoo she always wore, but it was soft and it still felt like her in a way. She was aware that she probably looked silly to Shelby, wearing it all the time, but Shelby wasn’t there. She didn’t even look at her half the time.

“So you definitely don’t wanna hook up then, right?” 

She rolled her eyes at Fatin’s jest. Theoretically, she  _ could _ sleep with her right now. If she was honest with herself, she probably needed it - she missed the feeling of being driven to an orgasm by someone other than herself, though the mere memory of the two nights she’d spent with Shelby were enough to have her throwing her head back in the shower, one hand to stop herself from making too much noise, one around the shower head. She could close her eyes during the whole ordeal, imagine blonde hair and green eyes, but there was something so sacrilegious about doing it when she’d just been wearing Shelby’s t-shirt, assuming she’d even take it off, let alone doing anything with anyone when her heart was so focused on something else. 

“I wish, but I can’t.” Before Fatin could say anything else, Toni moved the conversation on to Fatin’s own endeavours, asking her about her time with Leah and listening to her describe it all in excessive detail for half an hour.

-

The next day, as Toni went to retrieve some books from her locker, she saw Shelby again, pressed up against the wall by her boyfriend. It didn’t look like what she originally thought it was, though - he was yelling at her, getting all up in her face. Overtaken by a surge of anger, Toni marched up to them, fists clenched.

“-That’s not an excuse to cheat on me, Andrew!”  Shelby was crying. _Fuck._ “I thought you wanted to wait, too, I-“ 

Before Toni could step in, Martha appeared on the other side. 

“Fuck off, Andrew, leave her alone.” Aggression shone through in Martha’s voice. _Damn,_ thought Toni, raising her eyebrows. She loved it when Martha showed how much of a badass she actually was. He sighed exasperatedly, not knowing Martha well enough to get into an argument with her, and walked away. 

Martha pulled Shelby into a hug and stroked her back soothingly, saying something inaudible to her. Shelby glanced over her shoulder and spotted Toni. They tried and failed to communicate so much in one single look at each other. 

Toni heard something about “do you wanna stay over tonight?” and “I can’t stay but I’ll come over”. A knot in her stomach that she didn’t even notice was there started to twist unpleasantly. She was excited to be in the same room as her in close proximity again, but scared at the same time. 

Not taking her eyes off of her, Toni went to remove her books from her locker. They stared at each other until Martha snapped her fingers in front of them. 

“Guys? We’re gonna be late for bio.” 

Toni thanked the lord that it wasn’t Fatin in that situation because she  _definitely_ would’ve picked up on that. 

The three of them walked into class in silence, except for Martha making some random quips here and there that Shelby responded to distractedly. 

“Darn it,” Shelby said as she sat down. “I forgot my textbook. Could I share yours, Marty?” 

“I’m sorry, I left mine at home too.” She turned to Toni. “Maybe if we swap you can sit in the middle and we can share yours, Toni?” 

Rolling her eyes, she swapped with Martha, moving her book to the middle of the desk. This made her pen roll off the table on Shelby’s side, because  _of fucking course,_ and Shelby had to bend down to pick it up because _she’s_ _just such a nice person_ and Toni couldn’t tear her eyes away from the way her t-shirt rode up her back. If they hadn’t been in class, she could’ve reached up and-

“Here you go!” Shelby had  _that_ smile plastered on her face. Toni wished that, for once, Shelby could be real with her in a place that wasn’t a bed. She was too proud to admit it, but she missed getting to know little things about Shelby - real things -even though she’d literally told her she disliked her to her face. 

Shelby was mixed signals personified: almost having sex with Toni in her bedroom, telling her she didn’t like her, then kissing her wounded lip and making out with her into the deepest hours of the night. Toni wasn’t stupid, she knew Shelby was dealing with a lot of inner turmoil and the way she’d treated her so coldly since the very first day probably didn’t help. If she could, she’d take it all back - she’d have shaken Shelby’s hand, not made jokes about her being straight and she’d have lightened up with the whole Andrew thing, even if it hurt her to let Shelby keep wearing this thick multi-layered mask she’d so carefully been crafting her whole life. 

They sat there in silence, taking notes from the book the three of them shared. Approximately ten minutes into the class, Toni felt a leg brush up against hers. She glanced at Shelby, who was too focused on her work for it to be genuine. Testing her, Toni brushed the tips of her fingers against Shelby’s knee. She heard Shelby’s breathing become shallower. Toni carried on doing that for a minute until she felt a warm hand on her thigh, higher than she expected. Shelby squeezed it gently and Toni had to straight up bite her lip until it almost bled to not make any sort of noise, not even a whimper, because  _damn,_ nobody had ever ever had this effect on her before. Toni decided to place her own hand above Shelby’s moving it higher and higher until Shelby recoiled away from her as if she’d burnt herself when she heard someone cough from the back of the room. 

Both of them knew there was physically no way that anyone had seen what they were doing, but the mere thought of someone catching them freaked Shelby out so much that she didn’t look at Toni for the rest of the day until she drove her back to Martha’s to hang out for a bit. 

Back in the living room at Martha’s, Toni was slumped over in an arm chair on her phone, trying to not pay attention to the conversation going on next to her. 

“What are y’all doin’ for Christmas break?” she heard Shelby ask. 

“Well, I’ve got a dance competition in another city so I’ll be gone for a few days but I’ll be back before Christmas Eve and then we’ll probably just hang out, you know.” 

Out of the corner of her eye, Toni noticed Shelby nodding as if she was focused on Martha, but she could feel her staring at her. 

“That’s so exciting. I’m stayin’ here this year, too. My parents decided I can make some of my own decisions, finally, so I told them I’d stay behind and do some work. They’re gonna be here for the actual day, though. It’s a time to spend with family.” Shelby averted her gaze from Toni’s face and resumed playing whichever board game the two of them were playing.

“Why don’t you join us, Toni?” asked Martha, but Toni grumbled something unintelligible in response, and Martha being the expert Toni-reader she was, dropped it. 

When Martha went upstairs to use the bathroom, Shelby got up to sit on the arm of Toni’s armchair.

“What are you doin’?” she asked. 

“Literally none of your business.” 

She really had to stop being so unnecessarily rude to her,  Toni thought to herself. She’s just trying. 

“‘Kay, whatever.” Shelby went to get up, but Toni stopped her. 

“Sorry - wait, Shelby.” Toni took her hand because she knew that Shelby had hit her limit in regards to being forward - she’d initiated everything so far and Toni felt like it was her turn now, or Shelby might start disappearing into the distance again.  _ Not that she could ever  completely do that. “_You’re staying home alone next week?” 

“Uh, yeah.” A shy smile crept into her face, reaching her eyes. 

“If you want, we could maybe hang out one of those days?” 

“I’d like that.” Shelby dropped her hand as she heard Martha come back down the stairs. 

Toni decided to join in on the board game. 

-

“I’m so pissed off,” Fatin complained to Toni over the phone the night before break started. She’d put her on speaker as she packed up for the holiday her parents were about to take her on. “Christmas in Dubai? Then a week in Sydney? How am I going to have sex with Leah like this?” 

“God, a holiday round the world, that sounds awful Fatin. Can’t say I’m jealous.” Fatin scoffed at the sarcasm in Toni’s voice. 

“This is serious, Toni! I don’t even think I’m going to look for a potential holiday fling. I’m going to be moody the whole time and sneak off to sext her.” 

The thing Toni liked the most about Fatin was her blunt honesty - how forward she was. However, she wasn’t used to it being in the form of actual genuine romantic feelings. 

“Damn, Jadmani, you’re whipped.” 

“Shut the fuck up, Shalifoe. Are you gonna hook up with that mystery girl over break, or are you sticking with the shower head?” 

“I dunno, I hope so.” 

“So there is somebody!” 

“Yeah, congrats, you’re a genius.” 

“I was about to say I could lend you something from my collection to keep you company but you clearly don’t n-“ 

“Gross, Fatin.” 

“I hope she makes you happy,” she said, completely genuinely. 

“She does, I think.” Toni sighed. “It’s all so complicated. It’s not even a feelings thing, it’s just physical, but still.” 

“You and I both know if that was the case, you’d still be sleeping around. But you’re not anymore.” 

“Neither are you!” she said defensively.

“Yeah, well, at least I admit it.” 

_That was true,_ Toni thought.  She couldn’t even admit it to herself. But why should she? 

“How did you know you had feelings for Leah?” she asked after a few moments of silence.

“When I realised I enjoyed spending time with her outside of sex.” 

“You like spending time with  _me_ outside of sex.” 

“Do I?” she joked. “It’s different though, I don’t really know how to explain it. You’ll know it when you feel it.” Toni sighed. “Look, I’m a sex and feelings guru, but not when it comes to myself, okay? Don’t ask about my experiences, learn from my wisdom instead.” 

“I don’t even know what that means.” 

“Me neither.” 

“I don’t think she even likes me like that. She’s probably just confused.” 

“Look, Shalifoe, just go with the flow! Do what you feel is right.” 

“Being around her feels right.” Both of them stopped talking. Toni’s eyes widened, horrified at what she’d just said, and Fatin dropped the blouse she was folding, mouth wide open. “You do not get to repeat that to  anyone .” 

“What has this girl done to you?” 

Toni laughed in response. “I really have no idea.” 

She spent the rest of the night daydreaming about blonde hair and green eyes and a southern accent. She was interrupted at eleven o’clock when Martha decided to crawl into Toni’s bed with her, her head on her shoulder. 

“I haven’t spent time away from home in so long,” she mumbled into Toni’s shoulder. “I’m kinda scared.”

“Marty.” Toni took her best friend’s hand in hers. “You’ve improved so much, especially in the last year. Nothing bad will happen, I promise. You’re the strongest person I know.” 

“It’s thanks to you, Toni.” 

Toni offered her a small smile. “If you need to talk, if anything good or bad happens, just call me. And you’ll call me when you win, because we both know you will.”

They wrapped their arms around each other and lied there, talking distractedly about lighter things. This was where both of them felt safest: in each other’s company, away from everything else.

“Are you getting Shelby anything for Christmas? I don’t know what to get her,” Martha asked after a while. 

“I don’t know,” Toni replied. She probably wouldn’t get her anything -  _why would she? Shelby wasn’t about to get anything for her either._ They’d only barely got back on good terms. 

“Can we go to the mall tomorrow before I leave? I wanna pick up some last minute stuff for everyone.” 

So, they went to the mall. Toni only got cards for everyone seeing as the only other person she’d see was Shelby, and she’d already picked something out for Marty and her mom. But then she saw this tiny little reindeer decoration with a pink ribbon and she thought about how she was going to see Shelby near Christmas so it might be polite to offer her a small gift and the colour pink reminded her of Shelby, so she bought it. It was silly, but she wanted to make an effort with Shelby, and if that included tacky Christmas gifts then so be it. She promised herself she’d only give itto her if she offered her something first. 

She spent the rest of the day helping Martha finish off her packing. The goodbye was a little emotional, mostly because it was such a big step for Martha, but Toni’s heart swelled with pride as she waved her off. In the end, they had decided it was best if Martha wasn’t totally alone, so her mom went with her. Toni promised she’d leave the house spotless for their return, something Mrs Blackburn promised she didn’t have to do but Toni insisted, knowing she’d do it anyway. 

Toni was rather excited by the prospect of being home alone for such an extended period of time - she’d miss her chosen family of course, but it’d still be fun, if only for a few days. 

Ten minutes after they’d left, Toni heard a knock on the door. She went downstairs, thinking it’d be a delivery or something - she wasn’t expecting Shelby for a while. She opened the door, her hair a complete mess and her dressing gown on. 

Her heart stopped when she heard her name in that unmistakable Southern drawl. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is pure smut, enjoy besties. 
> 
> Thanks to Em for giving me an idea that I used in this chapter :)  
> For those of you who don’t know - The Haunting of Bly Manor is a horror tv show on Netflix, I’d highly recommend it!

“Hi,” Shelby said with a smile and a small wave, rocking on her heels. “Can I come in?” 

The first thing Toni noticed was that Shelby’s acrylics were gone, replaced with perfectly trimmed short nails. The second thing was how pretty Shelby looked in her ridiculously puffy jacket.

“I wasn’t expecting you for a while,” Toni said as she let her in and closed the door behind them. 

“I’m sorry, I wanted to say bye to Marty but I guess I missed her.” 

“It’s chill, you can just text her.” 

They looked at each other awkwardly. Neither of them knew what to say. 

“Should we go upstairs, maybe?” Shelby suggested shyly, putting her coat up on the hanger. 

“Yeah sure.” 

As the two of them walked up, Toni beat herself up internally.  _ Why was she being so damn awkward?  _

“I’m gonna get changed.” 

Shelby just nodded and turned her head to give Toni privacy. It was strange acting like this around each other. They’d never been so... nervous? Toni thought. Somehow, both of them had had more courage when doing... other stuff. _Maybe they just needed to start making out._

Shelby wasn’t here for that -  _okay, maybe just a little, but still_ \- she wanted to sit down with Toni and have a day where they could talk like friends and get to know each other like friends. Something about Toni had always been so endearing to her, and for once, she allowed herself to be pulled in by her attraction to someone. She wanted to watch TV with her, eat fast food, go to the park and do all the other things that  _friends_ did because she really did want them to be friends. Friends who sometimes kissed. Friends who maybe sometimes did more than just kiss.  _ Maybe. _She caught herself sneaking a glance at Toni as she took her top off, and though she only saw it for less than a second, the image of the girl’s body with her arms stretched up and muscles flexed was burned into her mind. 

Toni sat on her bed, back against the headboard, and patted the bit of mattress next to her to get Shelby to sit next to her. Shelby did so obligingly, something inside her urging her to get as physically close to Toni as possible. Toni didn’t know what to expect from Shelby today. The two of them had never exactly hung out by themselves; the few moments they’d had alone so far had been consumed by either arguing or making out. Or both. She pulled an old laptop out, the one her and Marty shared, and pulled up Netflix. 

“What do you wanna watch?” asked Toni. “If you wanna watch something, I mean.” 

“Yeah, sure, I’d like that. Umm...” Toni scrolled through the page slowly, waiting for Shelby to point out something she’d like. “The Haunting of Bly Manor?” 

Toni laughed. “Are you sure?” 

“Yeah, I told you, I love horrors.” 

“That’s not what I’m saying.” 

Shelby frowned at her, confused. “It looks good and I know you like it, let’s just watch it.” 

Toni put it on, and the two girls sat there in almost total silence to watch it. Occasionally, Shelby would make a comment or two, maybe ask her a question about the plot or a character. Toni never thought she’d have a thing for Southern accents, but here she was, hanging on to every little word Shelby said. She bit back a smile whenever Shelby would clutch her arm during a particularly scary scene. She wasn’t oblivious to the way that Shelby kept moving closer and closer to her, eventually to the point where the sides of their bodies were pressed together. During the scariest of parts, she’d bury her face in Toni’s neck for a few seconds, her lips dangerously close to being pressed up against her skin. Toni wondered if she was doing that on purpose. 

One of Toni’s favourite scenes started playing: Dani and Jamie, the main lesbian couple, were conversing and making out in Jamie’s greenhouse. It didn’t appear to be one of Shelby’s favourites, however, from the way she held onto her cross necklace as if it’d repent the sin of her watching it. She tried to be subtle about it, but Toni caught her averting her eyes and crossing her legs. 

“Do you wanna skip these scenes? I get it if it skeeves you out too much.” 

“No,” Shelby said, a bit too defensively. “Just carry on.” 

They carried on as normal, this time with Toni noticing the way Shelby would shift seemingly uncomfortably whenever the two main characters would be onscreen together.

“Dude, I get it, it’s hard for a homophobe to watch this,” Toni joked. Shelby glared at her, pressing her legs together, and suddenly it clicked in Toni’s mind.  _Shelby was turned on_ _._ She had probably never even seen two women kiss on television before, or ever for that matter, so this definitely  _really_ got to her. 

Her suspicions were confirmed when Shelby abruptly declared she needed to use the bathroom during a particularly sensual scene. Toni paused the show, but Shelby didn’t get up. 

“Does it get to you? Seeing two girls touch each other like that?” Toni’s voice was low and hoarse. She moved the laptop off of her and turned towards Shelby. 

“Toni...” There was a warning tone in Shelby’s voice. 

“Does it make you uncomfortable when their hands are all over each other?” She moved her head so that her lips were dangerously close to Shelby’s ear. “You just hate it, don’t you? The thought of them in bed with each other, it makes you-“

Shelby silenced her with her lips, her tongue briefly sliding into Toni’s mouth the second she parted her lips. 

“Damn it, Toni,” she breathed against her. “It was turning me on.” 

Toni stopped herself from smirking by pressing their lips together again, rolling on top of Shelby. “So you like this, huh?” Shelby nodded eagerly, which Toni thought was cute. Her hands wandered down Shelby’s sides as she began to rock her hips, making the girl under her shudder. 

Toni asked her quietly, “do you want me to show you what it’s like?” and Shelby had never said yes to something so quickly. 

They tugged each other’s tops off, discarding them on the floor. The feeling of their warm bodies flushed against each other plus the friction from grinding on Shelby’s thigh was almost too much for Toni - she had to break their kiss, breathing heavily. 

“You okay?” Shelby asked her, cupping her face in hands. She nodded, trying to catch her breath. 

“Yeah, this... you feel really good, Shelby.” 

Toni knew how much Shelby liked it when she said her name by now. The corners of Shelby’s mouth turned up. She placed a soft kiss on each of Toni’s cheeks, which made her blush. 

“So do you.” It was barely a whisper, but Toni heard it. After asking if it was okay, Toni helped Shelby shed the rest of her clothes until she was left in just her underwear. She less than gracefully kicked off her tracksuit bottoms, grunting when they got stuck at her feet. Laughing, Shelby threw them off in one swift motion and climbed onto Toni, pushing her down so that she was straddling her.

Shelby pulled her hair back into a ponytail and Toni couldn’t help but stare at the girl above her, her breathing coming to a stop. If this was how she died, she’d go happily. Shelby looked like a perfectly crafted work of art, nobody would ever find a flaw in her no matter how hard they looked. Toni had slept with a fair amount of beautiful girls before, but nobody had ever even _touched_ Shelby’s level. 

Shelby dropped herself down, holding herself up on both arms by Toni’s head. Loose strands of hair fell over the side of her face, framing it beautifully. It was almost too much for Toni to process.

“I’ve put myself up here but I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do,” laughed Shelby, noticing her own predicament. Toni smiled wider than she’d planned and rolled them over so that she was on top, hair falling on Shelby’s face. It got in the way as she tried to move her mouth onto Shelby’s neck which made them both laugh. 

“Maybe I should tie it up, one sec.” Toni went to reach for a hairband from her bedside table, but Shelby grabbed her wrist, pulling her back down. 

“Don’t you dare.” 

The two of them paused and looked at each other, eyes everywhere as if they were trying to memorise the other person. 

“Is this your first time?” Toni asked, unhooking Shelby’s bra. Shelby nodded shyly in response. 

_Shit, she probably has so many expectations,_ thought Toni.  _Candles, taking it slow, hand holding, wedding night instead of the first day of Christmas break._

“Are you sure you want it to be me?” 

Shelby pulled her down to kiss her as an answer, but Toni pulled away. 

“You need to say it, Shelby.” 

“I’m more than sure.” 

She let the bra drop and didn’t bother to hide the way her jaw dropped as she laid eyes on Shelby’s chest for the first time. Shelby blushed, shyly moving her hands to cover herself, but Toni brushed them away. “You’re gorgeous,” she whispered against her skin. 

Fire spread from her abdomen to the rest of Toni’s body as she kissed down Shelby’s neck, unhooking her own bra and letting it fall, scraping her teeth across Shelby’s collarbone. Shelby’s hands moved to Toni’s back, nails digging into her skin. Toni was taking her time with trailing open-mouthed kisses down her chest, pausing to take one of her breasts in her mouth, her hand paying attention to the other.

Shelby thought she was seeing stars when Toni’s tongue flicked over her nipple. Her hips bucked involuntarily, so Toni stilled them by pressing her own hips against them.  _Good thing she’s an athlete,_ thought Shelby. Great core strength. When Toni grabbed onto the hem of her underwear with her teeth, holding eye contact with her, Shelby was convinced she was going to pass out. Toni pulled it off and the damp fabric was quickly discarded. She’d never been anywhere near this exposed in front of anyone; she’d expected to feel nervous, but her heart only beat rapidly with anticipation, not fear. 

Toni’s hands raked over the smooth skin of her thighs, gently, because tonight Toni decided that Shelby she deserved to be treated like the priceless artwork that she was. She told herself she was doing this for Shelby’s sake only, because she deserved a good first time. Plus, Toni would get hugely turned on from it and it’d be more material to use in the shower. But, in reality, she just really wanted this.  _ For both of them. _

When Toni’s tongue flicked over her entrance, Shelby couldn’t help but to let out a moan in the shape of Toni’s name. Her hands tangled themselves in Toni’s hair, pushing her closer. Toni used her hands to spread Shelby’s legs out more, trailing gentle kisses on her thighs, eventually pressing one to where she needed it the most. She pushed herself up so that her face was hovering over Shelby’s again, looking right into her eyes which were dark with arousal. One of her hands moved to rest over her entrance. 

“Can you...” Shelby looked away in embarrassment and bit her lip. “Could you hold my hand, please?” 

A smile rose in Toni’s face as she laced their fingers together with her spare hand.

“Are you ready?” 

When Shelby whispered a “yes”, Toni gently pushed one finger in. Her eyes never left Shelby’s as she watched how the lids fluttered in pleasure. Toni’s thumb started to rub small circles into Shelby’s clit, her finger moving in and out at a leisurely pace, gradually picking up speed.

“Tell me what you want, Shelby.” 

“You.”

Toni let out a shy laugh. “I mean physically.” 

“Still you.” 

Toni didn’t let herself think too hard about that in the moment. Shelby bent her legs up to give her a better angle. She added another finger and increased the pressure from her thumb, resulting in Shelby’s breathing becoming quicker and more shallow. 

“Move your hips,” Toni whispered. Shelby obliged, and judging from the noise she let out, it was good advice. 

“Toni,” she breathed. Toni knew what she meant, so she brought their lips together as Shelby clenched around her fingers, her moans muffled but loud in Toni’s mouth. 

Once she could feel that Shelby was done, Toni rolled off, breathing heavily. 

“I’m sorry I finished so quickly,” said Shelby, embarrassed. “I don’t... I usually last longer.” 

Laughing, Toni rolled over to face her. 

“It’s fine, gave my ego a boost.”

Shelby laughed with her, turning to meet her gaze, and in that moment they felt so peaceful. 

“How do you know you last longer?” 

“I do... do that sort of stuff on my own,” Shelby laughed. “I have a hot tub.” 

Toni rolled her eyes. “Of course you do.”

They paused.

“I don’t dislike you Toni, you know that, right?” 

Toni’s face fell. “So you hate me now?” 

“Shut up.” Shelby was laughing again, and it made Toni feel warm. 

“I don’t dislike you either, Goodkind.” 

Shelby’s fingers traced over Toni’s arms, but she never took her eyes off of hers. She tried so many times to count the freckles on Toni’s face,but then Toni would distract her by smiling or biting her lip and Shelby would lose track and give into her overwhelming urge to kiss her. She tried to offer to reciprocate what Toni had just done for her, but Toni kissed down her body again and whispered “tonight is about you,” and Shelby allowed herself to close her eyes and enjoy every second of it.

Deep down, something tugged at the back of her brain, telling her this was wrong - but how could it be wrong when it felt this good? 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is 100% my favourite chapter so far - i hope everyone likes it!
> 
> Classes have started back up again so uploads will be every few days now but in return i’ll make them longer & better. em and i stayed up until 4am last night brainstorming ideas and i’m SO excited about the plot we’ve come up with for the rest of the story, i really think y’all will like it. 
> 
> thanks again for all the lovely feedback, the comments absolutely make my day :)

Toni woke up wearing no clothes, yet she wasn’t cold. Shelby was a surprisingly cuddly person - practically half of her body was on Toni’s, her head on her chest and hair fanned out on top of her body. She looked peaceful as she slept; in that moment there was nobody for her to pretend to be. She was just... Shelby. 

“Oh my god.” Toni was startled by Shelby’s sudden interjection. Still too asleep to process much, she frowned as the blonde got up and hurriedly put her clothes on. 

“You okay?” Toni mumbled, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. 

“Just gimme a sec.” Shelby practically ran to the bathroom and shut the door. Toni sighed and collapsed back onto the pillows. If she was honest with herself, she was  scared. Scared that Shelby regretted last night, that she would bolt out of the door and never want to see Toni again due to the resentment of the fact she’d ruined her plan of staying abstinent until marriage.  _ Maybe she’s one of those people who doesn’t even believe lesbian sex counts as losing your virginity,  _ she thought. 

To prepare herself for the worst, Toni rolled herself out of bed and put on some fresh clothes. Just as she pulled on her t-shirt, Shelby walked back into the bedroom. She had all her clothes back on, sans that same blue denim jacket that remained on the floor, and her hair was tied up. 

“Sorry if I startled you, I just didn’t want you to see me in such a mess.” 

“It’s chill, Shelby,” replied Toni casually. “But you know you always look pretty.” This made Shelby blush. 

“You’ve been so nice lately, what’s gotten into you?” 

“Well, I’d say you, but.” 

Shelby laughed, half genuinely half uncomfortably, fiddling with her cross. Toni picked up on this immediately. 

“You okay?” she asked. 

“Yeah I...” Shelby paused and took a deep breath. “I’m not ready to talk about it yet. Not because I’m ashamed of anythin’, I’m not, I’m just... not ready.” 

Toni shrugged. “Okay.” 

“Okay?” 

“Yeah, Shelby, it’s fine. We can go at whatever pace you want.” Shelby smiled gratefully up at her. “Do you want breakfast?” 

-

As Toni poured her some cornflakes - the bright and colourful ones that Shelby had asked for - she couldn’t help but to laugh. 

“What?”

“Nothin’,” Shelby said lightly. “This all seems so... domestic.” 

“Yeah, it’s almost like we’re friends or something.” 

They grinned at each other. 

“Do you wanna play an icebreaker?” 

Toni frowned at her suggestion, handing Shelby the bowl and starting to pour her own. “A what?” 

“An icebreaker. It’s these games you play with people to-“

“I know what an icebreaker is,” Toni replied, grin still on her face. “Why do you wanna play one?” 

“To get to know you, duh.” 

“You wanna sit here and pump me for info so you can, what, sell it to the government?” 

“You’re  _so_ funny. Seriously, come on.” 

“Right, fine,” Toni grumbled. “Never have I ever had sex with a girl. Oh, wait, we both have. Your turn.”

Shelby’s eyes widened as she blushed in embarrassment. “Toni!” 

“What? You wanted to play icebreakers.” Toni mocked Shelby’s accent with her last word, which made Shelby roll her eyes. 

“Not that kinda icebreaker. Ugh, icebreaker doesn’t even sound like a real word anymore.” 

“Icebreaker,” Toni repeated in an awful imitation of her southern accent. 

“Icebreaker.” 

Toni was  _ really _ focused on nailing this impression. “Icebreaker.”

“No,” Shelby giggled. “Ice.” 

“Ice,” she imitated. 

“Breaker.” 

“Breaker.” 

“Good. Icebreaker.”

“Icebreaker.” 

The impression was beyond awful. 

“No,  _ icebreaker.”  _

_ “Icebreaker!”  _

“Okay,” Shelby cracked up. “That’s enough, I don’t even know what this word means anymore.” 

“What word?” Toni raised her eyebrows and Shelby tried to reach across the table to hit her arm playfully, but her elbow ended up in the bowl and it toppled over. She gasped, watching the milk spread across the table in horror as Toni hurried to clean it up swiftly with some paper napkins. The only good thing about Toni’s waitressing job, apart from the sad little pay-check, was that she’d become increasingly fast at cleaning up spills, which was a great skill to have considering how clumsy people could be. 

“I’m so sorry,” Shelby stuttered. “I-“ 

“Dude, it’s chill, it happens.” Toni dropped the wet napkins in the bin, noticing how mortified Shelby looked. “You okay?” 

“Yeah.” Shelby nodded and put on her pageant smile again. 

Toni turned around and reached back into the cupboard. “I’ll make you another one.” She didn’t see it, but Shelby’s smile became real.

-

Both of them ended up under a blanket on the living room couch pretending to pay attention to awful daytime TV. They kept stealing glances at one another, trying but failing to do so secretly. Eventually, Shelby broke the silence. 

“I should go home and get changed.” 

Toni hated that her heart sunk at the thought of Shelby leaving so early. Hell - it wasn’t even early, she’d slept over which she was sure wasn’t even part of the plan. They both got up and Shelby went to retrieve her winter jacket. 

“Well... um, this was nice,” said Toni, feeling the most awkward she’d ever felt in her whole life. 

“It sure was. Where’s your jacket?” Toni frowned, which made Shelby laugh.  _ She’s so clueless sometimes,  _ she thought. “You’re comin’ with me, silly.” 

Toni’s mouth formed an ‘O’ as she grabbed her jacket from the hanger. 

“Maybe, um, bring a toothbrush too?” Shelby suggested in a shy voice. “If you wanna stay over, that is. You don’t have to, I just thought it’d be nice-“ 

Feeling bold, Toni reached up to kiss her quickly. 

“I’ll be down in a sec.” 

She ran upstairs and randomly stuffed some of her things from the bathroom counter into a little makeup bag she borrowed from Martha as a makeshift toiletries bag. It was a bit presumptuous, but as she shoved a couple of clothing items into her backpack she  conveniently forgot her pyjamas, hoping she’d be able to steal some of Shelby’s clothes again. She did, however, pack the t-shirt she’d borrowed weeks ago because returning it was long overdue. _Maybe now it’d smell like Toni and_ _ Shelby could wear it all the time the way she’d done_ _,_ she thought, but that was quickly replaced by  _ ‘she doesn’t feel strongly enough towards me to be like that’_ _._ Not that Toni wore it because she liked Shelby like that or anything, it was just because it smelled nice. She shook the thought off, not wanting to dwell on it, and headed back downstairs.

“All set?” 

Toni froze at the bottom of the staircase, staring at Shelby. It all suddenly hit her like a truck: this cute blonde girl who she claimed to have  _ no _ feelings towards was going to take her home for several days that would probably be spent in bed and Toni was going to enjoy it more than she’d enjoyed anything else in her life. And her smile,  _ damn her smile_ _,_ did things to Toni’s stomach whenever it reached her eyes. She thought about how, when Shelby’s eyes sparkled with enough joy to shine through her layers of protection, she became  that much more beautiful, as if it was even possible. 

Toni could hear Fatin screaming at her in her head - “you’re whipped, Shalifoe! You’ve never been like this before towards any girl, this one must be  _ really _ special.” She tried to pretend that she didn’t just think half of the things she did.

They hopped into the convertible, but before Shelby could drive off, Toni asked her if they could have the roof down.

“Are you insane? It’s freezing, Toni.” 

“Cmon, I’ve never driven in one of these with the roof off before, it looks so fun!” 

Nobody could’ve said no to the sheer childlike excitement that Toni was displaying at that moment. She wanted to let loose - _and how could Shelby say no to that face?_ If there was one thing Shelby wanted from Toni was for her to show her how to live - one of the things that had drawn her in in the first place was her carefree attitude, the complete opposite to the one Shelby had been brought up with. Toni could teach her how to have fun. Even if that involved driving through Minnesota winters in the morning with the roof of her car rolled back. 

“Play some music, I don’t care what.” 

Shelby took the opportunity to play Taylor Swift,  _ because of course_ _,_ and blasted the song ‘You Need To Calm Down’, because in this moment of course she was going to play the song she wasn’t allowed to listen to because her dad would physically burn or destroy anything even remotely associated with promoting anything to do with  that sort of “lifestyle”, including her phone if it played a song about opposing homophobia. 

“I have a confession to make,” Toni yelled over the wind and music as they drove down the empty street. 

“What?” 

“I know every lyric to this song!” Toni looked  so proud of herself for that. 

Shelby laughed, something she seemed to do a lot around Toni, mildly unsurprised. Toni sang - or rather, yelled - loudly, off-key and out of tune, her voice cracking whenever she tried to hit the high notes. Shelby had to practically convince herself that if she didn’t look at the road they’d slip on ice and die in order to not stare at Toni, whose curly brown hair was flying in her face and whose cheeks were reddening with the cold; Toni, who looked  _ so darn beautiful _ to Shelby and anyone else who might have happened to look their way. 

Toni tried to stand up but Shelby pulled her back down. “Are you crazy?” she yelled, but there was still that bright laughter in her voice. “You’re gonna get yourself killed!” 

Toni didn’t listen and stood back up again for a few seconds, yelling the lyric “shade never made anybody less gay” with her hands in the air, and for a moment, Shelby believed her. 

They pulled up into Shelby’s driveway, and Toni made a show of hopping out of the car without opening the door but she slipped when she landed and fell onto her back. 

“Fuck, Toni, are you okay?” Shelby rushed over to her and crouched by her side. She felt bad, but Toni laughed up at her. “What’s so funny?” Shelby tried to sound cross but she was laughing too once she realised Toni wasn’t hurt. She helped her up, and when Toni held her gaze for a little too long and didn’t let go of her hand, she fought the twitch in her hand that made her want to hold onto the cross around her neck. 

“You say your prayers with that mouth?” Toni said lowly after whistling, and Shelby gave into that twitch. 

“Let’s go inside.” The bluntness in her voice made Toni frown, but she didn’t think too much of it. 

The house was warm, almost too much so; Toni noticed this as she took off her jacket. Shelby offered her some water, which she accepted, and the two sat there not saying anything to each other. It was clear they still had a lot to do to reach the stage of being good friends, because that’s what they wanted from each other, _o_ _bviously_ _,_ thought Toni, _being good friends._

She broke the silence. “Can I ask you something?” 

“Sure.” 

“Why were you so upset that Andrew cheated on you? I mean, you kissed  _ me.”_

Shelby blinked at her. “I do acting, Toni.” 

“I dunno what you mean by that.” 

“It means I can fake cry.”

Toni looked at her, and in that moment Shelby willed her to understand, wishing she could read minds. 

-

They spent the rest of the day chatting about classes and music and sports and all the lighter things in life. Slowly, as the day progressed, they seemed to click more with each other. Rarer were the awkward silences that plagued their conversations as they became more comfortable with one another, learning each other’s queues and favourite discussion topics.  _ It felt... nice, _ Shelby thought to herself as they played catch with a random stress ball they’d found on the floor, her back to her bed where she was sat on the floor opposite Toni, who was on the beanbag. 

“You’ve put up so many pictures of women on your wall,” Toni pointed out teasingly. “How has nobody guessed yet?” 

Shelby laughed uncomfortably. “I dunno. I guess they think it’s a pageant thing. I thought that too.” 

“You thought it was a pageant thing or that it’s funny nobody’s noticed how gay you are?” Shelby didn’t answer, so Toni didn’t push it any further. “You have so much stuff everywhere.” 

Shelby looked at her questioningly as if to ask -  _ ‘is that a compliment or an insult?’ _ So, Toni added, “I like it. Didn’t take you for a messy person though.” 

Shelby laughed, genuinely this time. “I didn’t take you for such a neat freak.” 

“I don’t like bothering people with my mess, I always kept my stuff in one box when I moved from foster home to foster home. Marty practically had to convince me to leave my toothbrush in the bathroom instead of keeping it in my room.” 

“You were in the system?” 

“Yeah.” 

They looked at each other and paused. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” 

Toni shook her head. “Nah, I’m good. But yeah, that’s why I never decorate my room. I guess there’s always a fear that, like, the second I start to put down roots I’ll have to move again so there’s no point in getting attached. It’s different with Marty and her mom, but still.” 

Shelby’s eyes stared into hers, no trace of pity on them, just understanding. “Yeah, I get it.”

Not wanting to dwell on it, Toni changed the subject. “There’s so many pageant ribbons in this room, you could make a dress out of them,” she joked. “Isn’t that what one-percenters do? Make an upcycled piece of clothing and act like they’ve singlehandedly fixed climate change?” 

“I never thought of doin’ that,” Shelby laughed, looking at Toni who got up to reach the rack full of ribbons, tracing her finger over the synthetic satin. “I don’t think I can tell you anythin’ about half those pageants. They all kinda blend into one.” 

“Do any stand out?” 

“Not really.” 

Toni picked up a light blue sash and put it on herself, twirling. “How do I look?” she teased with a smile. 

“Like a pr-“ Shelby stopped herself. “Like a pageant princess.” Toni sat down cross-legged opposite Shelby, who reached forward to kiss her lightly. “You don’t need this,” she whispered, taking the ribbon off of Toni. “It’s too fake for you.” The ribbon was discarded back onto the rack. 

“Damn, how will I prove to everyone how pretty I am now?” 

The joke didn’t land well with Shelby for numerous reasons, so she pulled back. 

“Nobody needs a darn ribbon to prove anything, Toni.” 

Toni’s eyes widened at how hurt Shelby seemed. 

“No, shit, that’s not what I meant.” Toni kneeled and took Shelby’s hands in her own. “I just mean that I think pageants are dumb, because you’re right, nobody needs a competition to prove that sorta thing. Especially not you, Shelby, anyone with eyes can tell how gorgeous you are.” 

Shelby blushed at the compliment, too embarrassed to meet Toni’s gaze. One of Toni’s hands moved up to tilt her chin up. 

“Look at me,” whispered Toni. Shelby’s eyes were glassy. “You’re the most stunning person I’ve ever seen.” 

Shelby’s heart raced. Years and years of winning pageants, yet the most beautiful she’d ever felt was here, sat on her bedroom floor, with a  _ girl _ holding her hand and looking so deeply into her eyes that it almost scared her, how far beyond the mask Toni could see into her. Shelby could feel it slipping off every time she was around Toni, and for once she didn’t try to stop it. 

“Your personality, not so much, but,” Toni joked, and Shelby knew by now that this was Toni’s strange way of being more vulnerable with her feelings towards her, she knew she meant the exact opposite of what she’d said, so she playfully pushed her backwards, telling her to shut up before kissing her deeply. 

Somehow, they made it up onto Shelby’s bed with half of their clothes off. Toni was on top of her, kissing every inch of her skin and telling her softly how beautiful she was. Shelby hadn’t expected this from Toni - how sweet and patient she was when they slept together over and over again, how she took her time with her entire body as if it were more than just that. Maybe she was just doing this for Shelby’s sake, trying to be nice and showing her how to have a good time without throwing her into the deep end and focusing only on the end goal of having an orgasm, but deep down she hoped Toni meant every touch and every word. 

Everything from Toni’s whispers to the way her hands handled her gave Shelby so much confidence. When her tongue was where it needed to be and when her hands roamed around her body, desperate to touch it all, Shelby felt like herself. She asked to touch Toni the way she’d been doing for her, but Toni said, “You deserve to know what it’s like, having all the attention on you when you’re not under a spotlight,” and as Shelby came to the sound of her words, she heard her mask fall to the ground and roll far, far away. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone - thank you for all the lovely comments last chapter, i appreciate them so much! writing fics takes up SO much time, so knowing y’all are enjoying it makes this all worth it :)
> 
> shout out to em for massively helping me with the ideas for this chapter - we’ve been excited about this one for a long time. i did loads of research for it too and now know my search history is full of texan recipes. 
> 
> this chapter’s a bit longer than the others - i hope y’all like it :)

Toni had tried to stay soft with Shelby, she really had. She tried to only ever touch her gently, kindly, taking her time with everything she did with her. It was lovely, but she could tell they were both itching for something more. Shelby was too shy to say anything, but from the way her nails dug into her skin and how her fingers tangled themselves in her hair, Toni knew she wanted it to go further.

It happened on the couch under Shelby’s windowsill. Shelby had just come out of the shower, wearing nothing but a towel. 

“Sorry, I forgot my bra,” she mumbled, whizzing past Toni, who was lying on the bed scrolling casually through her phone. 

Toni had noticed how shy Shelby would get when she was naked out of the context of sex. It made her stomach twist unpleasantly - for some reason, she just wanted Shelby to feel okay with herself all the time. The thought of her feeling anything that wasn’t good made her feel a type of way that she could only really describe as ‘upset’.  _Shelby was hot. _ It didn’t matter whether she had just woken up, taken a shower, or put on a full face of makeup paired with a fancy dress. Like Toni had said earlier in the day,  _ anyone with eyes can tell how gorgeous she is. _

Before Shelby could reenter the bathroom, Toni shot up out of bed and practically slammed her against the bathroom door, still carefully enough to not hurt her. 

“Toni, what the-“ 

Toni’s voice was hoarse and low. “I wanna fuck you, Shelby.” 

_” Oh.” _

The towel fell to the floor, and Toni’s clothes soon followed, leaving a trail from the door to the couch. She straddled her, hands roaming everywhere. Toni felt like her veins were lines of gunpowder being lit on fire as she looked down at Shelby, who had already been reduced to a whimpering mess as she clenched her legs around Toni’s thigh. If the mere sight of her was enough to make her feel like this, she wondered what would happen when she’d finally allow Shelby to touch her back in the way both of them so desperately wanted. 

“Toni, if you keep this up...” 

Toni’s thigh pressed into Shelby, eliciting a moan from her throat. Their lips met and Toni took the opportunity to bite down on Shelby’s lower lip, pulling it slowly with her teeth. She looked down at her thigh, watching how Shelby rocked her hips desperately against it.  God, she hoped the showers in this house had good water pressure.

“You’re so fucking hot, you have no idea what you do to me.” 

_“Fuck,”_ Shelby moaned loudly as she came in record time, eyes rolling back as the pleasure roared through her entire body. 

They breathed heavily in unison, foreheads pressed together. 

“Now I need a shower,” Toni joked, making Shelby let out a breathy laugh. 

“I’d offer to hop in with you, but I’d turn into a prune.” 

Grinning, Toni brushed a strand of damp hair from Shelby’s face and kissed her forehead. 

“I’ll be right back.”

Luckily for Toni, the water pressure was ideal at the Goodkind’s house. However, she was unaware of the lack of soundproofing between Shelby’s bedroom and en suite. Shelby heard it all: the soft moans in the beginning that built up to a loud call of her name. In that moment, she felt two things: proud that her memory could make Toni feel like that, and extremely turned on at the knowledge of what Toni was doing next door. 

When Toni came out to grab her clothes, Shelby’s jaw dropped at the full sight of her bare body in broad daylight. She didn’t say anything, but she didn’t have to, Toni caught onto the stare and smirked, enjoying the ego boost. 

A few minutes later, both of them were lying on the bed over the covers, fully clothed and staring at the ceiling. 

“You know, sex requires a lot of physical effort,” said Toni, breaking the silence. Shelby nodded, not knowing what to say to that fun biology fact. “It’s such a strenuous activity that you might forget to do other things because of it. Like, you know, eating?” 

Shelby checked the time. It was very much past lunchtime. 

“Lord, I’m so sorry, I’m a terrible host.” 

“Yeah, you really are,” she teased. They turned to face each other. “We could order something, McDonald’s maybe?” 

Toni swore she could see all the colour drain from Shelby’s face as if she’d been reminded of a deep, horrifyingly embarrassing memory. 

“Shelby? What’s the matter?” 

“Nothin’, it’s just...” Shelby took a deep breath. “Promise not to judge?”

“Of course.” 

“I’ve- I’ve never had McDonald’s.”

Toni’s jaw dropped. “Excuse me?” 

“Nope, never in my life.” 

“You’re kidding, right? Does Texas not have any?” 

Shelby giggled. “No, of course they do, it’s just...” Her voice lost its lightness as she carried on: “My daddy keeps me on these super strict diets for the pageants. I’m not allowed fast food, like, ever.” 

Toni frowned. Now she was just well and truly upset for Shelby, and downright angry on her behalf; _a few visits to a fast food restaurant doesn’t hurt you._

“That’s such bullshit.” 

“I know,” she sighed. Toni found herself wondering what other menial things Dave Goodkind had deprived her of. She wanted an itemised list so that she could help Shelby tick them all off, one by one. Lesbian sex was probably one of those, so Toni put a mental checkmark next to that one. 

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly. 

“It’s fine, honestly, it’s just a restaurant,” Shelby smiled as she spoke, but Toni knew this wasn’t about some dumb burger chain. Shelby kept hinting at the amount of control her parents, especially her father, imposed onto her. Toni didn’t know what it was like - the only controlling force in her life was herself, but she did know the feeling of things being unreasonably unfair. 

“But,” Shelby continued. “If you do want somethin’ to eat, I make killer chicken fried steak.” 

-

Shelby did in fact make  _killer _ chicken fried steak. Toni had ignored Shelby’s warnings about getting indigestion from eating too quickly, wanting nothing more than to wolf the whole thing down in one go. Shelby ended up offering to make her seconds, and Toni tried to help despite her severe lack of experience around a kitchen. 

“Do you not know how to peel a potato?” Shelby asked, watching Toni frustratedly hack at it with the foreign contraption that was the potato peeler. 

“No, I don’t even know what the hell this thing is.” 

Shelby came up behind her. “You’re holdin’ it wrong.” She placed her hands on Toni’s and guided them, showing her how to do it properly. When her chin came to rest on her shoulder, Toni had to remind her lungs to exhale. Shelby pressed her lips to her neck briefly, not as part of a ploy to turn Toni on and bring her back upstairs into bed, but just because she was there and she could. The domesticity of it all gave her an indescribable, foreign feeling - and it felt  _good_ _._ Toni was enjoying it, almost too much. But that same sentiment was laced with something she did recognise, however: _fear._ It was all too much for her to process. 

“Do you not cook often?” 

Toni blinked, still trying to deflect what she’d just felt. 

“Not really, when Marty’s mom’s working late my diet consists of TV dinners and Takis.” 

Shelby grimaced. “My momma’s been teaching me since I was little. We used to make these together all the time in Texas.”

“Must be nice,” mumbled Toni, brushing herself out of Shelby’s arms towards the sink to clean out the peeler. “Preparing you to be a perfect housewife for your husband and four kids.” 

“Toni...”

“What are you gonna call them, Mary and Joseph?” There was a bitter jest in her voice. 

“Don’t say that,” Shelby snapped, eyebrows furrowed. She could feel herself itching to put her mask back on. 

Toni didn’t meet her eyes, not catching the hurt that flashed across them. 

“Why, are you gonna call the kid Jesus instead?”

“I was taught how to cook ‘cause it’s a good life skill. If my mom had other intentions then so freakin’ be it.” 

They finally looked at each other, causing a burning sensation to spread through Toni’s face. _She felt_ _guilty about making a straight girl joke to Shelby _ _of all people?_ She tried to remember all of her past shit with Shelby in an attempt to rid herself of the feeling, but she’d let that go, it didn’t matter to her anymore. Still, an iron force clenched her fists shut; Toni was furious at herself with the idea that she had potentially messed this entire thing up with a stupid comment, just because her brain wouldn’t allow her to enjoy that  _one _ little good feeling that had rushed into her when Shelby had kissed her neck, so sweetly as if she- 

“And can you stop with the straight jokes?” 

Toni went to speak but then glanced at the clock on the microwave.  _ Fuck_ _. _

“I have to go to work.” Her voice was colder than she’d wished. 

Shelby didn’t say anything as Toni grabbed her jacket and ran out, staying frozen in her spot next to the kitchen island, eyes burning. 

-

Work was quiet, thankfully - Toni didn’t want to deal with any rude condescending comments from customers or any creeps checking her out. Once her break commenced, she escaped into the bathroom to check her phone. 

Martha, 2 hours ago:  _ Everything’s going fine so far. I really like this hotel, it’s near a wildlife reserve. Look at this super cute chicken! _

Toni chuckled at the photo Marty had sent her, because of course she’d find such an ugly looking chicken cute. 

Toni:  _that’s great marty, i love it_

Martha:  _ Mom says she hopes you’re well.  _

Toni:  _ :) thanks, i’m good. same to her  _

She sent her some more photos from the wildlife reserve, and Toni said that her favourite was the one of the tortoise that Martha had got to hold. 

Fatin, 3 hours ago:  _ There r sooooooo many hot men here I think god is testing me _

Attached was a photo of the beach, sand and sea stretched out in front of Fatin’s legs which were resting crossed on a towel. 

Toni:  _ stay strong for leah dude  _

Fatin:  _ I’m trying! Have you hooked up with that girl yet?  _

Toni:  _ no comment  _

Fatin:  _ Bitch. _

Toni:  _ i think i upset her? idk. i made a joke and it landed badly  _

Fatin: _Lol what did you say_

Toni: _dumb_ _straight joke_

Fatin: _Is she a closet case?? Damn_

Toni : _shut up. what do i do?_

Fatin:  _ Apologise to her  _

Toni:  _ how? _

Fatin:  _ In bed, duh _

Toni rolled her eyes as if she’d expected any genuine advice from Fatin that didn’t involve sex. Theoretically, she _could_ go back to Shelby’s after her shift was over, push her up against the wall the second the door opened, fall to her knees and make her come there and then. But she didn’t feel like that would be the best way to make it up to Shelby. Sighing, she left the bathroom, gathered her clothes from the locker room and walked out. 

As much as Toni wanted nothing more than to return to Shelby’s house and fall asleep with her in that warm, comfortable bed of hers after having sex one too many times, she knew she couldn’t. Her newly formulated plan to apologise included getting up in the morning, and with Shelby draped over her asking her to stay in that _annoyingly_ endearing southern drawl of hers, Toni would never be able to do that. 

On queue, her phone rung. 

“Hi?” answered Toni, heart skipping a beat. 

“You left half your stuff here,” Shelby spoke shakily. “Do you want me to drop it off at yours?” Her voice sounded sad, almost. 

“Oh, um, I’m tired, can I pick it up tomorrow?” 

“Honestly I can just drive round-“ 

“No,” Toni interrupted, too suddenly. “You don’t have to.” Shelby went to speak but she continued, “Rachel and I are meeting for some practice in the morning, I’ll come by after?” 

She was lying through her teeth, and even though it was for the sake of something good, she felt _bad_ _._ Even though she was silent, Toni could hear Shelby’s disappointment. _It was cute how much Shelby wanted to come over, though, _thought Toni. 

“Isn’t Rachel in New York right now?” 

“Uh, no, she’s leaving later this week.” That was also a lie, she knew her and Nora had flown there last night. 

“Okay. Sure, come over tomorrow then.” Before she could reply, Shelby hung up. 

Once she was home, Toni waited by the phone for a bit with the futile hope that she’d receive a text from her. She brushed off the disappointment at not seeing ’ _Bible Girl’ _ come up on her screen as she set an alarm for the next morning. In the shower, she tried to resist the urge to change the settings of the shower head and reminisce on that afternoon: the way Shelby whimpered as she fell apart on her thigh, the deeply unholy noises she’d made, all because of her. 

Toni had to end up showering in ice cold water. 

When she woke up that morning, she was nervous. It made no sense, there was nothing to be scared about. Or, perhaps, Shelby would slam the door in her face and retreat back into the little miss perfect façade of hers the way she had after their first kiss, but there was no one around for her to perform that role to, and Toni was sure she wasn’t the intended audience for it. 

-

Soon, Toni was knocking on Shelby’s door, heart skipping several beats. 

“Hello?” Shelby opened the door. 

“Hi.” It barely came out as a whisper. Shelby’s hair was up in a ponytail and she was wearing comfortable-looking loungewear. Her eyes were bloodshot, and upon noticing this Toni’s heart started hurting a little. Suddenly it hit her how silly she must have looked, holding several large paper bags in both her hands and arms. Shelby looked relatively surprised, not saying anything. “Could you help me with these please?” 

Shelby took two of the bags and let Toni inside, thankfully, and they both placed them all on the kitchen island. 

“Toni, what on earth is all this?” 

“Look, I’m sorry I pissed you off yesterday. I shouldn’t have made those dumb jokes, and I shouldn’t have walked off without saying anything either.” 

Shelby’s face softened as they looked at each other. 

“When you mentioned how you’ve never eaten McDonald’s, it sorta made me really angry for you, like, who’s never eaten there? So to make up for all the time you’ve missed out on, I got you one of everything. I even timed it right so I could order the breakfast stuff and the normal stuff in one trip. We can have brunch or whatever you white middle-class people call it.” 

Toni gestured towards the endless row of brown paper bags and smiled expectantly up at Shelby, looking incredibly proud of herself, but the girl only had a horror stricken expression on her face. 

“Don’t tell me you’re allergic to fast food or something,” Toni laughed with an awkward dread. 

“No it’s just, I...” 

Toni raised an eyebrow up at her. 

“Spit it out, Shelby.” 

“I’ve actually been there before,” she muttered quickly. Toni’s eyes widened. 

“Excuse me? I spent a whole freaking pay-check on-“ 

“No! I mean...” Shelby avoided looking anywhere but at Toni. “It was bad, it was real bad. The first day I got my car, I secretly went to one of those thingies where you drive by and they hand it to you out of a window.” 

Toni walked around the island to stand next to Shelby. “You mean a drive-through.”

“Yep, those things. I was so ready to order, like, a burger or somethin’, but I chickened out. So I got... a salad.” She took a deep breath, as if she was about to admit to something as scandalous as a bank robbery. “And I asked for extra ranch dressing.” 

Toni cracked, her deep laugh filling the room. 

“It’s not funny!” Shelby tried to sound angry, but she was smiling ear-to-ear at how ridiculous she knew she sounded. 

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry.” Toni tried to quieten herself down. “Extra dressing? You’re a real rebel Shelby Goodkind.” 

“And they had a discount or somethin’, so I... I ordered a chocolate milkshake, too,” she said quietly. 

“Oh Lord forgive you, how could you? Chocolate is the most sinful flavour, you know.” 

Shelby giggled at this and pulled Toni in by the collar, bringing their lips together softly. She wrapped her arms around her neck as Toni placed her hands on her waist, kissing her back gently. 

“Thank you,” she whispered, kissing her cheek before embracing Toni in a hug. As Toni hugged her back, it sunk in that this was the first time they’d properly done that. 

“Right then,” said Shelby as she pulled away and made towards the enormous pile of food. “Let’s get tucked in.” 

Shelby’s excitement as they took all the boxes out of their bags was contagious, and Toni found herself feeling like she too was experiencing this for the first time. As they began eating, she never took her eyes off of Shelby whose bright eyes were sparkling with enthusiasm. Toni felt beyond resentful at Shelby’s father for not having let her enjoy these simple things earlier, but that thought left her body when she heard Shelby practically moan as she sank her teeth into a breakfast sandwich. 

“I get why so many Americans are addicted to these things,” Shelby said, going in for another large bite. 

“Slow down, you have like a million others to get through. Here,” Toni pulled the box of chicken nuggets towards them, “have one of these, they’re basically the hallmark of McDonald’s.” She held one up, expecting Shelby to politely take it with her hands, but Shelby went straight for it and bit half of it off from Toni’s fingers. Not having the capacity to process a single other thought at that moment, Toni popped the other half into her own mouth. 

“These are amazin’. God, they all are.” She beamed up at Toni, grabbing a strawberry milkshake. “Seriously, thank you so much for this, Toni. It’s real kind of you.” 

“Yeah, well, I may not like you that much but I’d never deprive you of one of the most basic human pleasures.” 

Shelby choked on her drink with that last part, blushing furiously. She cleared her throat and put the cup down, going to reach for something else, but stopping when she caught Toni smirking at her out of the corner of her eyes. 

“What?” 

“You got a little, uh,” Toni gestured towards the red coloured syrup on her lips. 

Shelby covered her moth in embarrassment and picked up a napkin, but before she could clean it herself, Toni moved her hand away and straight up licked it off of her lips. The moan that left Shelby’s mouth was ungodly. Heat flooded right into Toni’s abdomen. 

They paused for only a second before crashing their lips together, Shelby practically pulling Toni off of her stool by the collar of her sweatshirt to pull her in closer. Toni wanted nothing more than to keep the feeling of Shelby’s tongue against her own, but she had to pull away. 

“Food’s gonna get cold,” she breathed. 

Once they’d finished eating and washed it all down with their drinks, they went outside to put all the paper and boxes in the recycling bin. However, they soon realised it didn’t all fit, so to close the lid, Toni gave Shelby a leg up so she could sit on it. 

“I’m gonna jump on it,” declared Shelby, wobbling as she tried to stand up. 

“You’re gonna break it you idiot, get down.” Toni was laughing at the sight of Shelby shakily trying to kneel on the lid, the wind blowing in her hair. She looked so carefree in that moment, her laughter filling the air, and Toni found herself wanting to make her to feel that way forever. Shelby took the hand that Toni offered to help her down, but she ended up falling onto the grass and bringing Toni down with her. They giggled uncontrollably as they lay there, Shelby high from the rush of the amount of rebellion she’d done that day, Toni from the sight of seeing Shelby so truly happy. If she wasn’t so worried about a neighbour somehow looking by the front garden, she would’ve rolled on top of Toni and kissed her giddily. 

“Toni?” Shelby called softly, turning her head to look at her. 

“Yeah?” 

“When you said you don’t like me that much, was that true?” 

Toni’s face fell. “No, Jesus Shelby, of course not.” 

“So... you do?” 

The hope on Shelby’s face almost made her give in. 

“Don’t make me say it out loud, Goodkind.” 

Toni jumped up offered a hand to Shelby to help her. Shelby wanted to keep holding it, lace their fingers together and walk up to the front door hand-in-hand, but she knew she couldn’t. Once the door was firmly shut behind them, though, she took Toni’s hand in hers again and led her to her bedroom. She lied her down gently, climbed on top of her and kissed her, slowly. 

“I really appreciate what you did for me,” she said quietly, lips brushing against Toni’s neck. “Let me do somethin’ for you now.” Toni found herself reeling at the way Shelby’s accent thickened the way it did when she was turned on. 

As much as she hated to do so, Toni moved Shelby’s hand away as it tried to crawl down her torso. 

“I want to, I really do, but I have work in like half an hour and I need to get going soon.” 

“I could drop you off?” 

“You could, but still, if we start I’m never gonna want to stop.” 

Shelby’s breath hitched at the words. 

“Fine, but let me drive you anyways. And I’ll pick you up and bring you straight back here. We’ll have all night.” 

“Okay,” Toni whispered, pulling her back down. 

Fifteen minutes of making out later, they reluctantly broke apart so that Toni could go to work. Shelby drove her there as promised, teasing her about the waitressing outfit the whole time. 

“When do you finish?” Shelby asked. 

“At around eleven.” 

“I’ll be here.” She kissed her cheek. “Have fun.” 

Toni couldn’t wipe the stupid grin off her face during her entire shift. A regular customer even left a note on a receipt reading “Glad to see the waitress has lost the usual attitude”, and the backhandedness didn’t even phase her. 

Around ten minutes before her shift ended, she noticed the pink convertible pull up in front of the diner. She waved at Shelby, who wiggled her fingers back at her, and her heart practically doubled in size at the sight. Another one of the waitresses noticed and suggested that Toni should get changed and clock off early seeing as it was so late anyway. She practically sprinted out of the doors. 

The second she climbed into Shelby’s car, Toni kissed her hello as if she’d been doing that her whole life. 

“Hi there, how was work?” 

Toni shrugged, connecting her phone to the car to play some low music. “Meh.” 

They drove off, electricity buzzing in the air between them. Toni was desperate to go back to Shelby’s for a reason she couldn’t quite tell her about yet. Shelby picked up on this and asked her why she was smiling so much, but Toni just shrugged her shoulders again. 

Once they were back in the house, Toni took her into the kitchen. 

“I got you a present,” she said as she pulled out a small blue plastic bottle from her bag. “Stole it from work. It was unopened, so.” Shelby gave her a quizzical look. 

“Why on God’s earth would you gift me chocolate syrup?” 

“It’s branded so it must be good, right? Not that it’ll matter to you cause you won’t be the one eating it.” 

Shelby still looked confused. Rolling her eyes, Toni grabbed Shelby by the waist and pulled her close so that their faces were almost touching. 

“Take your clothes off.” 

_ Oh. Now she understood.  _

Shelby’s clothes were on the floor in seconds. Toni picked her up, hands under her thigh to help her up onto the island. She lied down, getting herself comfortable with her arms outstretched above her. Blonde waves fanned out on the white countertop and circled her head like a halo under the yellow overhead light. _She looked ethereal._

Once she was just in her underwear, Toni jumped up onto the countertop, straddling Shelby. “Damn it,” she grunted, struggling to take off the bottle cap. She ended up removing it with her teeth, which Shelby found extremely hot. She didn’t have enough time to dwell on the image, however; her mind blanked when she felt the cold, viscous liquid poured onto the bare skin of her chest. 

“Is this okay?” 

“Mhm,” she whimpered.

Shelby shuddered at the feeling of Toni’s hot tongue licking the sweetness from her skin. Her breasts were next, the juxtaposition of the temperatures in _that_ area of her body turning her on so much that she had to try to focus on something, _anything_ but the girl whose mouth was so skilfully manoeuvring around her body, to not come undone there and then. 

“Fuck, Toni,” she whined. Toni let some drip dangerously close to where she knew she needed her the most. There was something so sexy about Shelby swearing, and it wound the coil inside her tighter and tighter. 

Nails dug into her scalp and Toni’s head was pushed downwards. She heard her name in a moan. 

“I need you.” 

Toni smirked, sliding off the counter. 

“Patience.” 

She tugged Shelby’s ankles to bring her hips closer to the edge. Two thick lines were drawn with the sauce, one on each of Shelby’s thigh. Toni set the bottle down next to the fridge so that both her hands were free. 

The tips of her fingers brushed Shelby’s hips, spending an extra second on the spot that made them involuntary twitch. She watched as Toni tasted the last of the syrup from her skin. 

“Ready?” They locked eyes. Shelby nodded and swallowed, immediately feeling the wet press of Toni’s mouth against her most sensitive spot. 

Toni was not holding back that night. Her tongue slipped in deep, wanting to only ever taste Shelby for the rest of her life. She dug her nails into the sides of her ass, leaving deep pink streaks when they scratched down. From the noises Shelby made, she could tell she enjoyed that, so she did it again and again. 

Shelby practically screamed Toni’s name as she reached her climax, back arching as pleasure spread through the entirety of her body like wildfire. 

“You taste so good,” Toni mumbled through heavy breaths, finally coming up for air. 

“Let me taste.” 

Her hands stopped her from falling as her knees buckled at those words. Toni kissed her deeply, eliciting a moan from the back of Shelby’s throat. _Fuck, was that hot._

Toni drove her to a climax twice more, and each time her back arched higher and higher. 

“I think I just went to heaven and back,” Shelby sighed, chest rising and falling as she caught her breath. She slid off the counter top into Toni’s arms, pressing a lazy kiss to her jaw, then her neck. “As much as I’d like to return the favour, I am exhausted and in desperate need of shower right about now. Tomorrow?” 

She held out her pinky and Toni curled hers around it. 

“Sure.” 

Toni ended up showering first, Shelby citing that she needed to take a breather, which was entirely true - her knees were still weak when she stepped out of the shower. 

When she walked back into the bedroom, she unashamedly let her towel drop to the floor as she walked towards her dresser. She turned her head, winking at Toni whose jaw had dropped to the floor. 

Once she was dressed in a long t-shirt and shorts, she climbed onto Toni’s lap, straddling her. A loose strand of hair fell in front of her face so Shelby tucked it behind her ear affectionately before kissing right beneath it. 

“You alright there?” 

Toni swallowed and nodded. She wanted Shelby to top her there and then, but she too was exhausted. 

“Thank you, again, for today,” Shelby’s voice was quiet and genuine. “I had a lot of fun. Not just with... y’know.” 

Toni bit her lip, blushing. “Yeah, me too.” 

“I really like spendin’ time with you.” 

Her cheeks turned a deeper shade of pink. “I really like spending time with you, too.” 

Within ten minutes they’d fallen asleep, their limbs tangled, contently dreaming about each other.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone! sorry this took an extra day to upload - i was busy and didn’t want to rush it so em and i spent a lot of time editing and changing things at 3am. feel free to follow me on twitter @ greysdamie for updates!
> 
> hope y’all enjoy! it’s quite soft

“We only have two nights left,” Shelby sighed. She was lying on her side, arm draped over Toni’s abdomen. The two girls were on Shelby’s bed, wrapped up in each other just because they could be. Toni stared up at the ceiling, contemplating what to say next. She wanted to ask her for more. More nights, more days, more _her._ Instead, she said:

“Let’s make the most of them then.” 

Toni rolled over so that she was on top of Shelby, their bodies pressed against each other’s, and kissed her softly. Shelby pulled her in impossibly close by the fabric of her sweatshirt, clutching it so tightly that Toni thought it’d rip. The kiss deepened and they both had to suppress the moans that rose up in their throats.

“It’s meant to snow tonight,” Shelby mumbled between kisses. 

“Mhm.” 

Toni was too preoccupied with the way that Shelby’s mouth had begun to move from her jaw down to her neck. She let out a low whimper when she felt her tongue flick against the tip of her earlobe. 

“D’ya know what’s real fun in the snow?” 

She could do nothing but shake her head. The feel of Shelby’s warm breath so close to her skin and the way her lips moved against it as she talked was almost too much for her. 

“My whirlpool hot tub in the backyard.” 

Suddenly, the memory of Shelby admitting shyly to her that she’d used it to get off was all Toni could think of. 

“We could-“ Toni breathed in sharply as Shelby’s mouth carried on working at her neck. “We could use it after I return from work?” 

Shelby groaned and moved onto her side, bringing Toni with her so that they could switch positions.

“Can’t you just miss it?” 

“No,” is what Toni would’ve said had Shelby not slipped her hand under her sweatpants. A cold fingertip traced up her increasingly damp underwear. 

“Please,” Shelby whispered in her ear, sending shivers down her spine. “I want you right here.” The finger pressed down. “Home, with me.” 

_Home._ The word did weird things to Toni’s stomach, particularly when it came out of Shelby’s lips in that low southern voice of hers that she couldn’t ever get enough of. She knew it didn’t mean anything - Shelby was just referring to her actual physical house - but it still had a bigger effect on Toni than she would’ve anticipated. 

She closed her hand around Shelby’s fist, bringing it away from centre. Shelby raised an eyebrow. 

“Are you okay?” 

Her voice sounded so sweet that Toni was sure she was going to melt into the mattress and disappear forever. 

“Yeah, it’s just,” Toni’s voice was strained from trying to hold herself back from her. “I wanna wait. Until tonight. And then we can use your... rich person bathtub.” 

It took her a few seconds but once Shelby understood, she smirked at her suggestion and rolled off of her. 

“So...” Her fingers began to trace patterns over Toni’s abdomen. “Are you stayin’ then?” 

“I need a pay check,” Toni laughed. “My last one basically paid the month’s bills for the McDonald’s on the high street.” 

Shelby laughed, then rolled her eyes and put her head up on her shoulder, sighing dramatically to get a rise out of Toni. They had so little time left, and something in her wanted for them to spend every single second with each other. _Only God knew why._

“I suppose,” she continued as she felt a hand slip under her t-shirt, “I could get someone to cover the last half of it and come back sooner?” 

“Please.” 

Toni had no idea how she’d gotten herself here: in bed with Shelby Goodkind - the girl she’d spent the better part of two collective months hating - melting at her every word. All she wanted was Shelby’s lips and hands on her on all times, as well as moments like a few hours ago where they’d laid on the floor of the living room for an hour discussing everything and nothing. Halfway through, while Shelby had been telling her about the fish she owned at age ten, their hands had found each other and remained linked until they had to get up for some reason or another. It scared her, how quickly she’d come to enjoy Shelby’s presence, but in a way it also exhilarated her. 

Shelby was sweet to her, even when she didn’t deserve it. She’d made such an effort to get to know her when Toni had given her mostly cold stares and snarky remarks in return. She thought it was because _she’s such a great Christian, she makes a point to love everybody,_ but Shelby knew it was because in the moments where Toni was her true self with her, she was beyond endearing. Shelby didn’t blame her for acting the way she did, she was fully aware of how what she’d done hurt Toni - but they’d long since forgiven each other and now nothing of that mattered anymore. Not now that Toni was placing a gentle kiss on the top of her head. Not now that she’d laced their fingers together. Certainly not now that they were laying so comfortably with each other as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

Shelby looked up at Toni and those _damned_ green eyes made her heart give way. 

“Fuck it, I’m calling in sick.” 

Shelby grinned at the declaration, not minding the loss of the warm body as Toni got up to go on her phone. She watched as she did a horrible impression of someone with a lost voice on the phone to her manager, trying to stifle her laughter in the background to not give it away even more. 

“You suck at actin’,” Shelby told her as Toni sat back down on the bed once she’d hung up. 

“Who cares,” she shrugged. “It worked.”

They spent most of that afternoon making out in various spots in the house: the bed, of course, the living room sofa, the hallway floor, the wall of the bathroom. Shelby would never be able to walk around her house without being reminded of the soft feel of Toni’s lips. _Not that she minded._

Toni’s personal favourite location was the stairs, though her back was most likely now covered in bruises from Shelby pressing her down into them. She wanted Shelby to take her there and then so badly, but for a reason unbeknownst to the blonde girl above her who was so desperate to do everything to Toni, she wanted to wait until that night. It was hard to resist, especially when Shelby’s leg was in between hers in just the right position, but she pushed through.

Instead, Toni took charge, flipping her over so that she was on top and removing her trousers in one swift motion. As she ate her out, Shelby held onto the railing as if she was afraid they’d both fall with the sheer intensity of it all. Nails dug into Toni’s neck and when Shelby pulled on her pony tail to angle her head, she moaned against her. The vibrations of it sent Shelby over the edge, and _damn was she loud,_ thought Toni. She’d never have taken her for someone so vocal. 

“Thank the lord these stairs aren’t carpeted,” Shelby admitted through heavy breaths, making Toni smirk. 

She loved the effect she had on Shelby. Watching her eyes roll to the back of her head, chest rising and falling rapidly, hearing all the little noises she made when Toni touched the spots that she’d learnt made Shelby squirm the most - it all gave her more satisfaction than anything any other girl had done to her. And Toni had tried to convince herself it was just because Shelby was _so_ pretty, she really had. 

When Shelby was dressed again, they went into the kitchen for a late lunch. She’d made herself and Toni a large bowl of chilli which they shared while sitting unnecessarily close to each other. It was as if they couldn’t go a moment without feeling the other person’s warmth on their skin. 

“This is the second best meal I’ve had on this table,” said Toni through a mouthful of food. 

Shelby choked on her water. 

When the sun set at half past four, Toni was dragged up to the roof to watch it. She mostly only saw the sky when it was reflected in Shelby’s eyes, however, having spent almost the entirety of those fifteen minutes unapologetically staring at her. Shelby recounted a story from a trip she’d gone on to Mexico with Andrew and their families, how she’d been watching the sun dip below the sea at the beach and telling him it was the purest thing in the world, the moment when it disappeared under the water, only for him to dismissively call her “random” and try to feel her up. 

“He’s a dick,” Toni stated bitterly, finally looking at the actual sky so she could appreciate it the way Shelby wanted her to. The pinks were burning into reds behind the thick white clouds that were threatening to close up and carry on filling the ground with snow. “I’ve never been to the beach, you know, not that I can fully remember.”

Shelby glanced at her. 

“I’ll change that for you someday.” 

_Someday._ Toni crossed her arms, folding into herself from what she claimed to be cold. Shelby took quick notice and put an arm around her, rubbing her arm for friction. 

“You shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep, Goodkind.” 

“I’ll keep it.” She paused. “Shalifoe.” 

They both laughed at Shelby’s failed attempt to mock her, their heads resting to lean on each other in the process. 

“This is a nice place for stargazin’ when the sky is clear. I think we’re meant to have a clear sky tomorrow after all this snow.” 

Toni looked back at her again. 

“You wanna stargaze with me? That’s so fuckin’ gay, Shelby,” she teased. 

Shelby rolled her eyes. 

“Who said I wanted to do that with you?” 

“You implied it idiot.” Toni kissed her cheek. “I’d like to do that though. Really.” 

“Me too.” 

A few moments of loud silence later, they both decided they were too cold and climbed back down into the inside of the house. 

-

“I don’t have a swimsuit,” Toni admitted as Shelby rummaged in her dresser for a bikini two hours later. 

“Oh, well, I can drive you to your place and you can pick it up quickly.” 

“No, I mean, I don’t own one.” 

Shelby frowned for a second, then shrugged. 

“Just go without, then.” 

Toni bit her lip at the suggestiveness in her voice. 

“What if someone sees?” 

“It’s in a secluded part of the garden, nobody will notice. You can borrow a dressin’ gown for when we’re outside.” 

Shelby picked out her two-piece and made for the bathroom, but Toni stopped her.

“Nah Shelby, if I’m going without then so are you.” 

“Says who?” She flicked her hair over her shoulder as she turned, stopping at the doorway to the en-suite. “You could just take it off me later.” 

Later could not have come any sooner for Toni. 

They ran across the snowy garden holding hands, trying to not fall face first into the freezing white blanket beneath them. Shelby, whose hair was now in a neat top bun, squealed as the snow hit her bare ankles and covered the sole of her flip flops. She shook like a leaf as they removed the protective cover, folding it up and placing it at the back of the deck. She really wasn’t used to winter at all, she could barely handle it when wearing a coat let alone almost nothing at all. They took their robes off, quickly discarding them in a pile on a pool chair, before sighing contently as their bodies finally met the hot water. 

“Lord, this feels so good,” Shelby sighed, settling herself into a corner. Toni raised her eyebrows at her, trying to not think about her saying it in a different context. 

Toni shifted over to the settings pad, looking at the screen displaying all the different lighting, temperature and water options. 

“Why are there so many buttons?” 

She absentmindedly clicked some. One turned on a little fountain on the side, which made her jump in surprise when it made cold water hit her back. Shelby just laughed at her, and Toni shot her a look that looked more like a smile despite her not wanting it to be so. Another turned the underwater lights from white to green to blue. 

“Stop that,” Shelby said, giggling as she half swam over to her. “Let me do it.” 

The lights turned a deep yet light pink, and the fountain finally stopped releasing freezing cold water. 

“Why the fuck does this thing need a fountain?” 

Shelby shrugged, moving to sit sideways on her lap, an arm around her neck. 

“You know what it does have?” She pushed a button, and Toni felt it immediately. 

_“Oh.”_

“Feels good, doesn’t it?” 

Toni could only nod as the jet of warm water rose underneath her. Her hands found Shelby’s hips as she shifted above her to straddle her, both hands holding onto the edge with Toni trapped between them. She could feel the jet too, the force of it making her bite her lip to hold back the noise she knew would come out sooner or later.

Toni’s hands moved up Shelby’s body, coming up to where the strings of her bikini were tied into a neat bow. 

“Can I?”

Shelby nodded, hissing as the cold air hit her bare chest. 

“You’re so freakin’ hot.” 

She smiled at the compliment, blushing deeply. She looked down at the girl beneath her, memorising how the pink light illuminated her body under the water. 

“You’re beautiful, Toni.” 

“Thanks. I work out,” she replied, casually. 

“I don’t mean just that.” 

Toni met her eyes, taken aback by the intensity in her gaze. She could see it in Shelby’s eyes and hoped she could see it in hers, too. They were running a race together hand-in-hand and were dangerously close to crossing the line of being more than just friends. 

She tried to shake that sentiment off - _of course they were more than just friends, they were friends who fucked, obviously._ _Big difference._ It was perfectly normal behaviour to look at a friend with that much meaning behind the eyes, normal to touch her like she was the only thing worth touching in the world, normal to say and do things that felt like so, _so_ much more. 

The train of thought crashed out of existence when Shelby turned up the force of the water on the control screen behind Toni. She gasped at the change, pulling Shelby closer by the waist. Her fingers wrapped around the strings of the bottom half of the blue and white striped swimsuit Shelby was still wearing. She tugged them undone and placed the wet fabric on top of the other half that was draped on the edge. 

Shelby’s mouth parted open at the feeling of having the jets directly on her, angling herself so that it wouldn’t be too intense. Still, she was already almost over the edge. She didn’t exactly have a reputation for her amazing stamina; Toni could always make her come undone in a matter of minutes.

Toni, on the other hand, was already shaking from how close she was. She’d played around with vibrators before, her trusty purple bullet lived in her bedside drawer, but that was nowhere near as intense as this. She had no idea how Shelby could last longer than a minute with it at this force.

“Shelby,” she breathed, hardly being able to sound the word. 

Green eyes bore into her brown ones as they both let go in unison, Toni having to fight to keep them open. Shelby swallowed her moan as she closed the space between them, her hands letting go of the edge to clasp Toni’s shoulders instead. 

They had to move out of the jet’s trajectory, breathing heavily. Toni opened her mouth to say something but Shelby kissed her again, not waiting to slip her tongue in. 

“I need you.” 

Toni’s words made the water around Shelby feel too hot. She blinked at her, the fact that she didn’t know what to do hitting her. Toni picked up on this, so she took Shelby’s wrist and guided her down below her hips. 

“Just go in one at a time.” 

A finger slowly and gently pressed itself into Toni. 

“Is this okay?”

“Yeah,” she stuttered as she continued, “you can add another.” 

Shelby did just that, and after asking for permission again - which Toni thought was sweet of her - she inserted a third. 

Toni guided her through the initial stages of it: teaching her how and when to curl her fingers, how to use her palm to rub against her clit. Once Shelby had got the hang of it, it felt like she’d been practicing this for _much_ longer than just ten minutes. 

Soon, Toni’s head was falling backwards, granting Shelby space to leave messily placed kisses on her neck. A highly unholy sound was elicited from Toni when she felt a tongue on her earlobe. Shelby smiled against her skin, secretly proud of herself for making Toni react this way. Their chests were pressed against each other’s, both of them desperate to be as close together as humanly possible. 

Shelby dug her nails into Toni’s shoulders, scratching a path along the short distance to her collarbones. Her lips dragged across the bone, her teeth scraping it at the last second. She moved up Toni’s neck and along her jaw, eventually reaching her lips. 

“I’m- _Fuck.”_

The lowness of her voice made the dull ache between Shelby’s legs deeper. She could tell what was coming; Toni was beginning to clamp around her, her grip on her waist getting tighter.

_“Shelby.”_

She felt it. She felt Toni tighten around her fingers, repeating her name again and again. Toni’s eyes were screwed shut but hers weren’t; she wanted to take in every single thing that was happening in that moment. The way Toni’s mouth hung open, head tilted with the wet ends of her hair resting on the sides of the tub. The way her name sounded coming out from her swollen red lips. Shelby needed to memorise it all. 

Her fingers slowed inside of her, letting Toni ride out her high. Toni’s grip on her loosened as she weakened from the force of her climax. When Shelby pulled her fingers out, gently, Toni finally opened her eyes, meeting hers.

“Fuck, I’m so-“ 

Shelby stopped herself mid-sentence, averting her stare away from Toni’s face and body, scared of what she was about to say. Toni frowned questioningly. 

“Gay?” 

She noticed how her eyes widened. It wasn’t from fear, though, it was more from the hit of finally accepting it to both herself and someone else at the same time. Shelby met her gaze again determinedly. 

“Yeah... gay.” 

Toni beamed uncontrollably up at her, picking her up from under her legs, spinning her around once. Shelby giggled, wrapping her arms around her neck and squealing once they both dropped back into the water. Toni wrapped her arms around Shelby and kissed her passionately through their laughs, overwhelmed with pride. 

“This is massive, I’m so damn proud of you babe.” 

The second the word left her lips, a horrified wide-eyed expression came over her face. Shelby practically almost snorted with laughter at it, having to cover her mouth with her hand. 

“I didn’t have you down as the ‘babe’ type, Shalifoe,” Shelby teased, revelling at the way Toni’s cheeks flushed a dark pink. Toni splashed her playfully and then cleared her throat, trying to compose herself. 

“See what you’re turning me into? It’s all your doing.” 

Shelby shrugged, smirking at her. She crashed their lips together, pushing Toni back along the water so that she was sat on the seat at the edge, Shelby’s legs wrapped around her torso. The moment their tongues met, Toni was a whimpering mess, even more so when Shelby’s hand found their way to her chest. She melted into the girl’s touch, her head filled with only one thought: _Shelby._

“I guess a softie isn’t the only thing I’m turnin’ you into, huh?” 

Toni shook her head. Shelby went to make a move, wanting to take things further again, but was interrupted by something light and cold falling onto her bare shoulders. She looked up at the sky, a wide smile on her face. 

“Snow,” she said quietly, happiness lacing her voice. She held out her palm, wishing for flakes to fall onto it. 

Toni watched her with a small smile, absolutely adoring how happy Shelby was in this very moment. _She’d said it out loud, and she said it to_ her. In that moment, Toni had never felt so special and so trusted. Words threatened to spill out of her, but she knew she couldn’t say them, not yet, so instead she looked up at the dark, dark sky filled with little white spots of snow. Having spent over half her life in Minnesota, snow was nothing special to Toni, but being next to Shelby and seeing her excitement made her once again feel like she was experiencing something for the first time. 

They hurriedly threw their gowns back on after reluctantly getting out and ran back into the house, hand-in-hand again to avoid falling, _obviously._ Shelby was beyond freezing, and as proud as she was to admit it, Toni was too, so they stood in the kitchen shivering with their arms wrapped tightly around each other for heat. Toni’s head rested on Shelby’s shoulder, basking in the comfort of it all. 

They ended up having a shower together, helping to wash each other’s hair because they were too far into this domesticity thing to back out now. Unfortunately, they were too tired to do anything in it, but they vowed to try something in the shower in the immediate future. 

As they tried to fall asleep, tangled up in each other as usual, Toni whispered:

“How are you feeling?”

“Tired.”

She let out a quiet laugh. 

“I mean, about what you said.”

Shelby considered her response carefully for a moment. 

“I’m not sure. But I don’t regret it.”

“Good, I’m happy for you.”

Shelby moved her head up from where it was resting on Toni’s shoulder to look at her. She planted a small, gentle kiss on her cheek, then her forehead, her jaw, her chin, and finally her lips. Toni smiled against it, kissing her back. 

“Thank you,” Shelby mumbled into her. 

The words held so much more weight than Toni was ready for. Her heart began to work in double time, and Shelby could feel it under the palm that was resting on her chest. 

“Goodnight, Shelby,” she said quietly, trying but failing to hide the stupidly wide grin on her face. Shelby wanted nothing more than to reach up and kiss her smile, which was exactly what she did. 

Toni fell asleep first, tired out from the happenings of that night. Shelby laid on her chest with her mind racing, listening to her heartbeat, letting it lull her into a peaceful, content sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone, sorry this is a day late again. writing takes up loads and loads of time between editing, proofreading and research too. i wanted to give y’all the best i could do, so i chose to not rush it and let it come naturally 
> 
> i finally got out of writers block though so hopefully the next one will come a little faster! 
> 
> hope y’all enjoy, once again thank you for the comments/kudos/dms, it’s super sweet and motivating :)

Toni and Shelby were both painfully aware that this was their last full day together. Dave and Jobeth Goodkind were due to return the following night along with the two youngest Goodkinds, so Toni would have to be gone by tomorrow afternoon. They had both tried to push the thought away, but it kept tugging at the back of their minds, especially Shelby’s. 

She woke up before Toni did from the bright light between the curtains shining into her eyes. Toni’s face had become buried in her neck at some point during the night, and it was half covered by Shelby’s hair. Carefully, as to not wake her up, she turned herself on her side to look at her. Toni looked peaceful; her features weren’t as hardened as they used to be, and Shelby noticed it wasn’t just because she was sleeping - she’d been like that all week. Seeing Toni so relaxed and comfortable in her own skin all week had made Shelby want to be that way herself. 

When she’d said _that_ last night, it wasn’t planned, it kind of just slipped out. Toni’s reaction made it all worth it, though, and thinking about what she’d said in response made butterflies run wild in her stomach. Now that she’d said it out loud, Shelby felt freer than she’d ever felt in her life. A few months ago she wouldn’t have even considered saying it to herself, but Toni showed her that maybe it was okay - after all, _God only does beautiful, and he certainly didn’t miss when he made Toni and her hands._

Shelby’s heart fluttered when she felt a hand dip under her shirt. Toni’s fingers fanned themselves out over her bare skin as she shifted herself closer. 

“Hi there,” spoke that southern drawl that Toni would never tire of. 

“Morning,” she mumbled back. 

They laid there for a few moments, Toni’s fingers wandering absentmindedly on Shelby’s skin. Shelby hooked her index finger on her collar, tugging at the fabric. 

“Do you want anything to eat?” 

Toni smirked at the suggestion and rolled on top of her, ducking her head to kiss Shelby’s neck. 

“No, Toni,” Shelby said through a laugh. “I meant actual food.” 

“I know.” 

The hoarseness of Toni’s voice along with the feel of her lips on her neck made Shelby melt under her - but still, she pushed her off gently, albeit reluctantly. 

“I’m actually super hungry.” She stood up and held her hand out to Toni. “Come on.” 

Toni sighed melodramatically before taking her hand and jumping up. She put her arm around Shelby’s waist and kissed her cheek gently, making her soften at the touch. 

“What was that for?” 

Toni shrugged. 

“Felt like it.” 

Toni was almost _skipping_ as she walked down the hallway, a half-confused, half-amused Shelby following behind her. Toni seemed so _happy_. There was a lightness in her step as the fabric of the long flowing t-shirt she wore fluttered behind her. It wasn’t that the t-shirt was huge per se, it fit Shelby quite nicely which is just as well considering it was _her_ top, Toni had just been borrowing it because she _conveniently_ “forgot” her pyjamas at home. The height difference between them meant that it was rather big on her, but she didn’t mind, it was comfortable. Plus, Shelby thought it was kinda cute, Toni wearing her clothes. 

Shelby rummaged through the cupboards for French toast ingredients while Toni took a seat at the island counter. Chin in her hand, she watched the blonde prepare the meal for them in the space of five minutes, reeling at how truly comfortable they both felt. The only time Toni ever felt this at ease was with Martha and her mom. Over the last few days, she’d tried to not let this realisation scare her. At one point, she did practically run away from Shelby to work the first time it hit her just how _homely_ this all felt - but she made up for it by buying out the entire McDonald’s menu for her in return. Shelby had a strange power over her that made her feel so at ease - _like a muscle relaxant but for, like, whole people._

Shelby set the plates down and they both began to eat in silence. Toni found herself wanting to reach across the table and take Shelby’s hand in hers, lace their fingers together and keep them there throughout their meal, only to let go when they stood, and then she would have wanted to take her hand again the second they were stood side by side. 

She knew if Fatin ever found out about a thought like that she’d have a field day, telling her, “Shalifoe, you’re way too into this thing! You definitely like her.” 

_ So what if the fictional little Fatin in her brain was correct? Would it really be that bad? _

“The sky’s startin’ to clear up already,” Shelby remarked. “The clouds will probably be gone by tonight. Still wanna go stargazin’?” 

Toni was disarmed by the hopefulness in Shelby’s voice. She’d happily go stargazing with her, no questions asked, but she wouldn’t pass up a golden opportunity to tease Shelby over this. However, the glint in her eyes as she asked the question made her completely come undone, and any sarcastic quips she had planned were quickly forgotten. 

“Yeah, sure,” she replied, trying to sound as casual as possible. 

In reality, Toni was super excited. The stars were low-key her thing, even though she’d never admit it to anyone. She’d mentioned it briefly to Martha once during a super deep chat, how much she loved the galaxy and the sky and whatever, but that was pretty much it. She had a reputation to uphold, and exposing how much she loved that sort of thing would just reveal her to be the softie that she was inside. 

“Great. We can get that picnic blanket from my car, and-“ 

Shelby was hypnotising to her. Toni watched her mouth move as she spoke, not really processing what she was saying. Her gaze flickered between the girl’s eyes and lips, undecided at what she wanted to look at the most. 

Swiftly, she moved both of their plates away with one arm. 

“Maybe we could bring up some snacks-“ 

Shelby was cut off by Toni leaning across the counter and pressing her lips to hers, a fist curled round the fabric of Shelby’s collar. Shelby melted into the kiss, bringing her own hand up to Toni’s face to cup it tenderly. She giggled as Toni pulled away, basically floating on the counter because she was too short for her legs to reach the floor, and watched as Toni less-than-gracefully slid off back into her stool. 

“Sorry,” said Toni, despite very obviously not being sorry. 

Shelby rolled her eyes as she got up and walked around the table to Toni, before ducking her head down to kiss her again. 

“What I was _tryin’_ to say,” Shelby continued, moving to sit sideways on Toni’s lap, “is that we should have a picnic up there. Sound good?” 

_Anything suggested in that voice sounds good,_ thought Toni. At this point, she’d given up trying to convince herself that she wasn’t whipped for this girl, because she well and truly was. She looked up at those viridescent eyes that she was sure would somehow lead to her death before mumbling, “You’re really pretty, you know.” 

Shelby blushed at the compliment. 

“You’re bein’ so nice today Toni, what do you want?” 

Toni smirked, knowing fully that the question was rhetorical, as Shelby slid off her lap and started to make her way back round to her seat. She stopped her, holding her wrist and turning her around to face her again. 

“You, Shelby.” 

She kissed her once. 

“I want you.” 

She kissed her twice.

“So badly.”

She kissed her again.

Shelby took her face in her hands, pressing their foreheads together. Toni held onto her waist, holding her so close as if Shelby was the only thing stopping her from disappearing up into the air. 

“You have me, Toni. I’m right here.” 

She _almost_ believed her. Almost.

“Only for today, though.” 

Shelby pulled away, practically recoiling. Hurt flashed across her expression. 

“Don’t say that.” 

Hastily, she grabbed the plates and made her way to the sink, not meeting Toni’s stare. The plates made a rather loud clang as she placed them inside the sink, turning on the hot water. 

“Shelby I’m sorry, I-“ Toni started, but Shelby held up her hand. 

“Toni, it’s fine. Look,” her voice softened as she went on. “These last few days have been nice. Like, real nice. They’ve been some of the best I’ve had.” 

Toni smiled a little at that. 

“But we both know it stops tomorrow.” 

Her smile immediately fell.

“What exactly stops tomorrow, Shelby? Me staying at your house, or whatever we’ve got going on between us?” 

Shelby’s expression hardened at just how hurt Toni sounded; she could tell Toni had tried to disguise it, but it hadn’t worked. She shook her hands dry and stepped over to where Toni was stood rigidly in place. Their hands found each other’s, gripping tightly. 

“Toni.” Her voice wavered. “Can we just...” The intensity of her gaze was too much for Shelby, so she averted her eyes, trying to look at everything and anything that would stop her from welling up. “Can we pretend today isn’t the day this ends?” 

Toni blinked the tears that were forming in her eyes as she nodded. Shelby brought her in for a tentative kiss, which Toni reciprocated with vehement, wanting to hold her as close as physically possible. 

“I li-“

Shelby silenced her with another kiss, fingers tangling themselves in Toni’s hair. 

“What was that?” she whispered, but Toni just shook her head and closed the space between them again, desperate to never break it. 

They barely reached Shelby’s bedroom with their clothes on - there was a trail let behind them on the stairs and hallway. Their hands never left each other’s bodies, frantically trying to touch and memorise every inch before time would inevitably run out. 

It was Shelby’s turn to receive first; Toni laid her down, making sure to cherish every single part of Shelby that she could. Neither of them spoke, their hands and Toni’s tongue did all the talking, but Shelby did not hold back from letting out countless varied sounds whenever Toni would reach a spot that was even remotely sensitive. 

After going once, twice, three times, Shelby decided to flip them over so that she was above Toni now. Still trembling from the three sequential mind-blowing orgasms she’d just been driven to, she shifted herself downwards so that her face was hovering over Toni’s hips. 

“Is this okay?” 

Toni practically moaned a “yes” in response. She was so beyond desperate for Shelby to do this to her; it’s a holy experience, the first time a woman gets to do that to another woman. She could only hope Shelby would enjoy it. 

And Shelby did in fact enjoy it. The first taste practically made her dizzy, she was so far beyond intoxicated by it - and all she wanted was _more._

When Toni reached her climax, her legs clamped on the side of Shelby’s head, her name leaving her mouth like it was a prayer. 

They went twice more, and each time Shelby got bolder; her hands and mouth keen to touch everything they could. With each kiss placed on her skin, she would tell Toni how beautiful and gorgeous she was, and when she whispered, “you’re perfect,” in her ear as she curled three fingers inside her, Toni’s body became engulfed in the most powerful orgasm of her life. 

Breathing heavily, Shelby rolled off of her, taking her hand to lace their fingers together. Toni stared at the ceiling in awe, chest rising and falling quickly. 

“Jesus Christ, Shelby.” 

Shelby laughed shyly, turning to face her. 

“You sure that was your first time doing that?” 

“Yep,” she enunciated the last sound, biting her lip as she unashamedly gave Toni a once-over. It was more like a five-over, she couldn’t take her eyes off of what she considered to be that _God-given_ body that Toni had been blessed with, but _who could blame her?_

Toni turned to face her too, and they stayed there for several minutes, gazing at each other. There was so much that Toni needed to say to her in that moment, but she was terrified that with one wrong word Shelby could clam back up again with the fear of giving into something that could be _so_ good. 

The two of them chatted away casually as if it was nothing while they got changed. It had clicked for both of them that this really was their last full day, and they wanted to appreciate it as normally as possible. Toni had to stop herself from thinking it was only for now, that somehow things could be like this again, because she knew that she’d only be building herself up for disappointment. So, she made the most of it. 

She helped Shelby make lunch, although the most she did was pass her things because she was too busy with her arms around Shelby’s waist, more than often placing kisses on her neck - some soft and gentle, others open and involving teeth scraping against skin. 

“Could you get me a plate please? They’re in the drawer behind me.” 

Toni willingly obliged, passing her a white ceramic plate. 

“Thanks doll,” Shelby said with a wink. 

Toni’s knees almost gave way at the sound of that word. Trying to make up for last night’s slip up, however, she tried to act as if it didn’t have the effect it did on her. But the way the word sounded in Shelby’s mouth with that _damned accent_ made Toni feel like she was floating. 

Pretending to not notice the way in which Shelby had just addressed her, Toni asked her what her favourite movie was ever so casually - _which was La La Land of course, because what else would it be?_

Their conversation didn’t cease over lunch - they carried on conversing blissfully without acknowledging the ticking time bomb above their heads. They sat beside each other, and more often than not legs would brush “accidentally” and hands would happen to fall onto thighs. 

Shelby didn’t have to wear a mask that day, or any day since they’d been staying together, having long since discarded it. There was no need for her to be anyone other than who she was around Toni. Her cross necklace was still sometimes around her neck, but she’d remove it to sleep now and it no longer felt like a weight dragging her down. At that moment it was sitting upstairs on her dresser, and Shelby didn’t pay it any mind because she didn’t need a reminder of what she could and couldn’t do. She wasn’t losing her faith, but if there was one thing she knew now is that something as good as this wasn’t something to be feared, it was something to be appreciated.

When Toni excused herself to use the bathroom upstairs, Shelby took the opportunity to sprint up to her bedroom and grab a little paper bag dotted with multicoloured hearts that she’d hidden underneath the dresser. She thought it was a little silly, but it was the holiday season and it was only right for her to get her something because she got all her other friends something, and Toni was her ‘friend’, _right?_

As she heard Toni approach, she stood up, hiding it behind her and biting back a smile. 

“Look, Toni,” she began the second she’d come through the door, “I know this is a little silly and you probably didn’t get me anything, but-“ 

She held out the compact package in her hand. 

“Here, it’s for you. Merry Christmas! Or, well, early Christmas.”

“You didn’t-“ Toni stuttered, genuinely surprised. “You didn’t have to. But thank you.” 

She beamed and kissed her cheek before taking it out of Shelby’s hand and unwrapping it, rather messily. Toni wasn’t exactly used to unwrapping gifts, so it wasn’t really her forte.

Inside was a pair of fuzzy socks of all things, patterned with little rainbows with clouds on either end. 

“It’s small and dumb, I bought it weeks ago not really knowin’ what you’d like, and-“ 

“Weeks ago?” Toni raised an eyebrow at Shelby, who was blushing furiously. 

“Yeah, well, I got stuff for everyone. And now your... feet won’t get cold.”

Toni smiled at her, genuinely. 

“I love it, thank you. The pattern is very, uh, me. I did also get you something actually but I left it at home, it was just some stupid reindeer decoration, but I’ll give it to you later.” 

Knowing that Toni had thought to get her something made Shelby blush even more. She thanked her with a quick hug, or at least one she thought was going to be quick until Toni hugged her back real tightly, neither of them wanting to let go. They held each other close for what felt like forever yet still not long enough, breathing it all in.

“Sorry if socks aren’t your thing,” Shelby blurted quickly. “I have the receipt somewhere if you wanna take it back?” 

Toni pulled away, frowning. 

“What? No, Shelby, I love them. Fuzzy socks are, like, totally my thing.” 

As much as it pained her to admit it, Toni was telling the truth - she in fact owned a small collection of different patterned socks. It felt a bit trivial to her, but they were simply _fun_ to look at, so why not? Shelby smiled gratefully at her. 

“Do you wanna get some snacks for tonight?” she asked, and Toni nodded. 

-

Walmart was surprisingly empty that evening, which was just as well considering Shelby would have probably had a heart attack if she somehow ran into anyone she knew. 

Toni was inside the cart, having made Shelby get one of those super big ones so she could sit inside. She was a simple girl, really, her only request was that they buy Takis, and so they did. Or, rather, Shelby did because she insisted on paying, and Toni didn’t complain. 

Once they had checked out and put the bags in the back of the car, Toni told Shelby to hop into the trolley. Reluctantly, she did, and the second she was sat down, Toni shot across the empty parking lot like a bullet, pushing the cart along with her. Shelby squealed, clutching the edges for dear life. The wind was in her hair, and the cold made her eyes sting but it didn’t matter - Shelby felt _alive._

Toni eventually ran out of breath, so she stopped and helped her climb out. Shelby almost fell onto her as she did, but Toni caught her by the arms with their faces barely inches away from each other. Her name left Shelby’s lips like a sigh, and if this had been anywhere but their own town, they’d have kissed by now. 

“Let’s, um, go home,” Shelby mumbled.

The car ride back was comfortably silent. They were at a point where they didn’t need to force conversation - if it came naturally and lasted for hours, then great, if not, then great. Being next to each other was enough.

As they unloaded the bags from the car together, Toni was once again reminded of the sheer domesticity the two had been sharing for what felt like years, and she simply allowed herself to bask in it. They took that pink checkered picnic blanket that was still in Shelby’s car, collected some cushions from the living room sofas and ran upstairs to put it all up on the flat part of the roof. Then, they went to Shelby’s room to collect some blankets, because hypothermia was not on the itinerary. 

“You’re gonna freeze in that,” said Toni, noticing how Shelby was wearing only a thin jacket over her top. “Here.” 

She pulled her basketball hoodie which read “Shalifoe” in all caps on the back from her backpack and handed it to her. It looked a bit short, but it still fit and felt comfortable, so Shelby kept it on. Plus, _it smelled of Toni, which she liked of course._

“I’m not usually allowed up here,” Shelby admitted once they were up on the roof as they both laid out the snacks they had just got, ninety percent of them being Toni’s Takis. 

“What else does your dad not let you do?” asked Toni, half seriously, half jokingly. “I want an actual, like, itemised list.” 

Pausing to think, Shelby spread out the fleece blankets they’d brought up with them for cover and settled under them, holding up the side so that Toni could slide under them with her. There were several cushions to lay down on, but there would be the fun in using separate ones, so Toni rested her head on the end of Shelby’s. 

“I’m not allowed to eat colourful cereal,” Shelby said quietly, looking up at the sky. “All friends that I have over must be pre-approved, I can’t exactly make spontaneous plans. I’m not allowed to miss church, not that I would though. I can’t eat fast food. I can’t swear. I can’t... sleep with girls. Or boys, yet, but I don’t want to.” 

Toni turned her head slightly to look at her, noticing the sadness in her expression. 

“There’s books and films I’m not allowed to watch. My daddy hates big cities so I never really get to go. I can’t go to concerts, I can’t go out to drink. My skirts always have to be a certain length. I’m not allowed to go to bakeries? Which is a strange one, I mean, it’s just bread right? I can’t stay out too late unless I’m at a sleepover. I can’t...” Shelby pondered on whether to tell Toni or not about the thing she’d been dying to fix since the age of eleven, but backed out at the last second. “Yeah um, no, none of that. My hair has to _always_ be neat. I can’t be myself. I have to,” she paused for a split second, “be perfect all the time.” 

“You are.” 

Shelby’s heart rate accelerated, circulating what felt like pure electricity around her body. The only way she would have been able to respond would have been with those three words that had been hanging in her head for so long, but she couldn’t quite bring herself to say them. 

“I love the stars,” Toni admitted, looking back up at the dark sky ubiquitous with tiny white dots. “They’re always there. Even when clouds are covering them, you know they’re behind them. When I was being knocked around from house to house, it was the only real constant in my life, you know? I used to, like, name some of them and talk to them as if they were my friends. I swear I’m not insane,” she laughed slightly with the last sentence. “It was just one of those dumb kid things. It’s not like they were there for me to pack my lunch or sign permission slips for a planetarium trip, but they were always there. And-“ her voice wavered as she went on, “the last time I saw my mom, it was this super clear November night. I was holding onto her, I didn’t want to let go, and she said she’d-“ Toni choked back tears that were threatening to spill. “She told me to look out for the Aries constellation every November, because that’s when you can see it from here. We’re both Aries so it’s, you know, it would be like she was there.” She wiped a tear from her cheek frustratedly. “God, it sounds so fucking stupid, I’m sorry.”

Shelby shook her head and clutched her wrist gently, moving it away so that she could wipe the tears herself with the back of her fingers. She held her hand there for a second, and Toni turned her head to kiss her palm.

“Didn’t take you for a girl who was into astrology,” Shelby mumbled, smiling when Toni laughed lightly at the joke, grateful for the way she’d so easily broken the tension building up inside of her. 

“Yeah, well, I’m full of surprises,” she teased.

“I like that about you.” 

Toni looked over at Shelby, whose eyes were now fixated on the night sky above them. She examined the way the moon reflected on her features, the way it illuminated her. Shelby looked ethereal. Toni half unzipped her jacket, suddenly aware of how warm she’d become. 

“I wanna help you experience all that stuff you said you’re not allowed to do,” she declared rather casually, propping herself up on her elbow. “Apart from sleeping with a boy, obviously.” 

Shelby smiled and propped herself up too so that their faces were levelled with each other’s. 

“You’ve already helped with the most important one,” she said quietly, kissing her forehead before holding her spare hand in hers. 

Toni raised an eyebrow inquisitively to ask which one, assuming it was the whole sleeping with girls thing. 

“I can be myself around you. And I-“ she averted her gaze, squeezing her hand. “I like who I am with you, Toni, because that’s actually me.” 

Heart racing, Toni knew she had to say it. 

“I like you, Shelby, so so much.” 

The space between them was closed immediately, neither of them sure who had initiated it. Toni let go of Shelby’s hand so that she could wrap her arm around her waist to bring her closer. She needed to feel that Shelby was right there, with her and not going anywhere. 

“I like you too,” Shelby mumbled against her lips, fingers in Toni’s hair. “So much.” 

They broke apart to catch their breath, both flopping back down onto the array of pillows and blankets underneath them. Their hands found each other’s once more; the two felt like they had to maintain a physical connection at all times that day for no reason other than the fact that they need each other. 

“I don’t want this to end,” Shelby’s voice broke as she spoke, and Toni could feel her own heart shattering as it did. 

She pulled Shelby in for a hug, breathing in the scent of her hair like it was oxygen. Shelby’s head rested on her chest, an arm draped over Toni who was holding onto her tightly. 

“It doesn’t have to.” 

They laid there together for hours, eventually talking about random things like how that constellation looked like a tree and how Shelby thought it looked like a dolphin instead. They’d relaxed into each other - Toni spent the better half of the time playing with Shelby’s hair, absentmindedly stroking it as they talked, and Shelby allowed her hands to wander underneath Toni’s sweatshirt, unapologetically craving as much contact as possible. 

“You see those three there?” Toni asked, pointing upwards. “And then those below it? Tell me that doesn’t look like your car.” 

Shelby laughed, looking up to where Toni’s hand was pointing. 

“It kinda does. Imagine, like, drivin’ in the sky.” 

“You could skydive.” 

“Don’t know if I’d be allowed,” Shelby joked. 

Toni held her a little tighter. 

“I kinda feel like I’m freefallin’ through the sky when I’m with you, though.” Shelby cringed as soon as she said that, laughing inside at herself. “God that was so cringey, I’m so sorry.”

“It was, but it was cute.” 

They smiled at each other, leaning in when suddenly,  interrupting the moment, the wind picked up, taking a half-eaten Takis packet across the roof. Toni reached after it in vain, watching as it rolled off the edge. 

“Okay, I think this is our sign to go back inside,” stated Shelby, mildly amused, moving to gather everything else before it could fly off. Agreeing, Toni helped her, and soon they were both back inside Shelby’s bedroom, lying on her bed. 

The spark of hope that things could somehow stay even remotely like this had been lit inside Toni, despite her best efforts to fan it away. She told herself she could put it out once she left tomorrow, but deep down she knew she’d never be able to.

Toni was draped across her body, Shelby’s arms wrapped around her. All they wanted was to remain like that. And that’s how they stayed, talking and kissing and whispering “I like you” over and over until the sun came up.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey besties! thanks for all the love so far, it genuinely really motivates me to write. uploads have slowed down to a chapter every 3ish days and seeing as classes are becoming more intense it’ll probably stay that way. hope y’all understand! for updates on how it’s going u can follow my twitter @ greysdamie :) 
> 
> this chapter is a bit painful btw but i promise i’ll make up for it with the next one !
> 
> thanks to em for putting up with me and my insistent need to brainstorm !

“Damn it! It‘s eleven already.” 

Toni was jerked awake by the sudden movement of Shelby bolting up out of bed. 

“Okay, we need to tidy up. Lord, there’s so much stuff everywhere I don’t even know where to start.” 

She propped herself up on her elbows, wiping the sleep out of her eyes and watching Shelby frantically run around the room, collecting Toni’s clothes that were strewn across the floor.

“You gotta put these away.” The firmness in her voice honestly scared Toni a little. “Right freakin’ now! Take them.” 

“Shelby,” Toni got up and moved to where Shelby was standing wide-eyed in the middle of the room, clothes in hand. She took them from her, placing them on the bed. “Chill, you’re good for time. We have hours.” 

She leaned in to kiss her, but Shelby moved her head away slightly, so her lips only met her cheek. Confused, Toni took a step back. 

“I’ll go make us some breakfast then,” she mumbled, retiring herself downstairs.

The only thing Toni knew how to make was cereal, so she poured them both a bowl of those colourful sugary ones she knew Shelby wasn’t allowed. It saddened her, knowing that she had to wait until her parents were out of the house to have something as simple as brightly coloured carbohydrates. But, they still had a few hours left and Toni wanted Shelby to make the most out of every second. 

Shelby came downstairs, hair in a loose, messily done-up ponytail, looking stressed. Without saying a word, she pulled a bowl towards her and started shovelling down its contents without thought. She finished almost all of it in the concerning amount of one minute, stopping only to look down at the bowl in horror. 

“I can’t be eatin’ this,” she stated, voice shaky with dread.

Brusquely, she shoved the entire bowl and its contents into the open red cereal box and dropped it into the bin. Toni looked at her, mouth hanging half-open in concern. Shelby stared down at her hands in disbelief at what she had just done; it was like they didn’t even belong to her. Her eyes searched for Toni’s, pleading for help. 

“I don’t- I cant-“ Shelby stuttered, and Toni was immediately by her side, rubbing her arm soothingly and pressing a soft kiss to her temple. 

“Look at me, Shelby.” 

Toni’s thumb and index finger held her chin so gently as if it could break, tilting it upwards. 

“Think about this logically,” she said calmly. “They’re not gonna be here until seven, right? And I’ll be gone way before then. We haven’t exactly made a mess, there’s not much to clean up, okay? It’s fine.” 

Shelby nodded and Toni kissed her cheek, lips brushing lightly against her skin as she pulled away. 

“I’ll go and empty the trash for you.” Toni gave her a reassuring smile as she said that. 

Anger rose up in Toni’s stomach as she walked away - not _at_ Shelby but on behalf of her. It was so _fucking unfair_ the way that even the knowledge that her parents were coming back made her turn into a nervous mess. She fought the urge to kick something over as she dumped the trash in the bin, her whole body tensed in frustration. 

Nothing would ever feel like this again. This normality that they’d been in for the last week, there was no going back. There wouldn’t exactly be another opportunity to practically live together like this, there were only so many holidays. Perhaps under the guise of being “good friends” they could carry on seeing each other regularly - nobody had to know. She tried to get her own hopes down as she walked back inside, shivering from the cold. 

Shelby was still in the kitchen, sat at the island with her head buried in her hands. Worried that she was crying, Toni rushed to her side. 

“Hey, Shelby, hey,” she called soothingly. “Are you okay?” 

“Yeah,” Shelby sighed, eyes thankfully dry, looking up towards the ceiling. “I’m sorry, I know I look like an idiot right now, stressin’ over this.”

“What? No,” Toni sat down beside her and placed her palm on her back for comfort. “I get it. I’ll go check the living room for you, see if there’s anything to tidy there.”

“No,” Shelby said abruptly, standing up and grabbing Toni’s wrist to stop her from going. “Maybe you should just go instead.”

Toni didn’t try to hide the hurt in her face. Shelby seemed so cold all of a sudden that it shocked her. She sure as _hell_ wasn’t about to let her close back up though, not while she was around. 

“What? Why?” 

She sounded more defensive than she would’ve liked.

“I don’t want you to see me like this, I-“

“Let me help you.”

The softness in Toni’s voice as she spoke those four words made her give in immediately, forgetting any reason she might have had to close up around her. 

“You make it too easy, Toni,” she said quietly. 

“Easy to what?” 

_ To fall. _

“I dunno,” she muttered into her mouth as she kissed her once through a smile. “To give in and say yes?” 

Toni bit her lower lip, releasing it as she smiled back. 

“I was just being nice,” she teased. 

Shelby melted at the kindness in her eyes. She was so beyond grateful for Toni’s patience and understanding, and didn’t know how to express that in any other way than to pull her back in for a kiss. Fervently, she tried to pour in the million and one emotions she had into the it, needing Toni to feel them all with her. 

“You’re a real kind person, you know that right?” she said, a shy blush creeping up on her cheeks. 

“So are you.” 

The genuineness of it almost made Shelby laugh. 

“Please, Toni, you’ve done all these different things for me and all I gave you was some dumb socks. Like, how basic is that?” 

Toni found herself smiling, mostly because Shelby was too and that smile was just _so_ damn contagious. 

“It’s not just about what you give, Shelby. It’s about what you do, what you say, even just being there, you know?” 

Shelby felt her heart double in size. 

“Thank you.” 

They both paused for a second, taking in the moment and wanting to just look at each other, before Toni broke the silence again. 

“We still have a few more hours, let’s not waste them.” 

-

Those next few hours were spent mostly in bed with Toni’s head between Shelby’s legs. She’d returned to being slow and gentle with her, taking the time to call her beautiful whenever her mouth met her skin. Shelby soon reciprocated, doing the exact same thing, trying to make Toni feel even a fraction of how she’d just felt. And Toni did - every time Shelby touched her she felt it all, every single emotion that burned so explosively between them.

Eventually, they managed to drag themselves out to resume tidying. Shelby had gone to the bathroom, and in her absence Toni found herself wondering what Dave’s reaction would be if anything was out of place, and what would happen if somehow any one thing impossibly revealed what had occurred that week. The thought made her shudder, so she concealed it as much as she could. 

There wasn’t much in the living room - just a blanket, some glasses, and a t-shirt Toni had taken off of Shelby during the time they did it on the sofa. The memory of it, how Shelby’s legs had been over her shoulders when she was kneeling in front of her, the heated way in which her tongue had worked her up for so long, made Toni feel the need to press her own legs together.

As she grabbed an empty glass from the accent table, something caught the corner of her eye. Hidden behind a row of books was a small metal display rack, hosting numerous leaflets that boasted photos of clouds and sun rays and large white-coloured text reading something about “God’s path” and “being who God intended you to be”. Intrigued, Toni reached to take one. 

“Toni?” 

She turned round to see Shelby standing there, horrified. Toni froze as Shelby rushed over to her and snatched the leaflet out of her hands, crumpling it in her fist almost out of sight. 

“What the _fuck_ is that, Shelby,” she asked, but her voice was so hardened that it didn’t even sound like a question. 

“I need you to leave.” 

The firmness in her clipped voice created a pit in Toni’s stomach. 

“Go upstairs, get changed, and get out.” Her teeth were gritted so hard as she spoke that she was afraid she was genuinely going to damage them. 

Toni gave her a hard stare, noticing the fear that was behind the layers that Shelby was already building back up in front of her. 

“Go, Toni!” 

Fists clenched, Toni practically ran upstairs. She shoved everything into her backpack carelessly, her brain clouded with pure frustration. This entire situation just _fucking sucked_ \- there were no words or thoughts that Toni could formulate in aid of comprehending what was happening. 

One week of pure domestic bliss with Shelby and it just _had_ to end like this. Just because of those complete and utter bigots and their hatred for all that is good in the world. It angered her so beyond words. 

Her jaw tightened when she heard Shelby enter the room, unable to look at her. She grunted in frustration as she tugged on the zip which had got stuck on the fabric of a terribly folded t-shirt. 

“Fuck,” she uttered under her breath. 

Shelby placed her hand over hers to stop her, then released the fabric from the zip so she could open it back up. 

“You’re not gonna forget this, are ya?” 

Toni looked up finally to see Shelby holding out the Christmas present she had got for her. It was such a _stupidly cute_ gift and such a Shelby thing to do that being reminded of it made Toni soften at the edges. But she had been so back and forth all day, and Toni had to know where she stood right now. 

“Shelby, you basically just yelled at me to get out of your house and now you’re, what, being soft with me? What the hell do you want?” 

She glanced away from Toni, not being able to face the underlying fear and insecurity behind the girl’s eyes. 

“What I want and what I can have are two very different things.” 

“Is it because of those leaflets? Does your dad run some sort of conversion camp or some shit?” 

Shelby practically flinched at that. 

“It doesn’t matter Toni. I just really need you to go, it’s late.” 

“It’s literally three,” she responded, rather bitterly.

“I’ll drop you off.” 

Without giving Toni a chance to reply, she stepped past her swiftly, grabbing her keys from the top of the dresser. Toni stood still, letting the wave of the scent of Shelby’s conditioner hit her. It was so intoxicatingly good that it almost made her want to scream in frustration at what she knew she couldn’t have. 

Eventually, her legs moved her out of the room and down the stairs despite her head not wanting them to. Shelby was waiting at the bottom, hair down and a blank expression on her face. She looked so gorgeous that it almost made Toni’s knees weaken. 

She berated herself internally. How had she, in the space of one week, become so attached to the girl she’d so strongly disliked? _You can’t decide you have feelings for someone in such a short amount of time,_ she thought to herself, frozen on the last step of the stairs. But it wasn’t just that one week, and Toni knew it. It was every single moment since Shelby held out her hand to her on the first day: hanging out with Marty together, car rides home, group texts with the other girls, the weekly sleepovers in the same bed, fleeting touches when they sat near each other. It was everything she’d done and that Shelby had done and everything that they’d done together that had built up to this point. All at once it hit her, how well she actually knew Shelby, and how well Shelby knew her. At some point, when their friendship was seemingly still a façade, it had become real without Toni realising it. 

“You ready?” 

Toni nodded silently and they both walked out, no words exchanged between them. 

Around halfway through the drive, Toni realised where they were. 

“Pull over,” she said hurriedly.

“What?” 

“Pull over, Shelby!” 

Shelby did so, the car coming to a halt on top of the grass. They were in that same secluded spot by the woods where Shelby had tried to get to know her and where they’d fallen asleep together in the car after the time they’d kissed at Fatin’s party. 

“Are you okay, are you sick?” 

She sounded so genuinely concerned that it made Toni relax some of the pent up tension she’d subconsciously built up in her muscles. 

“No, I’m fine, I just-“ she turned to meet Shelby’s gaze that was still laced with caring worry. “We’ve had such a good time, I don’t wanna end it the way we did.” 

Shelby frowned quizzically, but allowed herself to ease up more. 

“There’s a bit of time left, I thought maybe we could sit here and, I don’t know, play an icebreaker?” 

The return of Toni’s god-awful southern accent impression made Shelby giggle.

“Wow, a few days with me and suddenly you’re a Texan, huh?” she joked. 

“Yep. Yee freakin’ haw.” 

Shelby rolled her eyes at her, allowing her smile to reach her eyes. 

“I think we’re past the point of icebreakers now. We could,” she elongated the vowel as she reached for the door handle, “just go into the backseat?” 

“Woah. Shelby Goodkind, are you suggesting we have sex in the backseat?” Toni mocked. 

“Maybe.” 

And with a wink she was out of the door, leaving Toni wide-eyed at how incredibly fucking _sexy_ Shelby had just been. She got out and practically threw herself into the backseat, closing the door behind her immediately. 

“I don’t actually wanna have sex right now,” Shelby blurted out quickly. “I’m a bit, um, sore.” She blushed at that, which highly amused Toni. 

“Yeah, sorry ‘bout that one.” 

Shelby rolled her eyes in response. 

“I just thought it’d be more comfortable back here. So we can, you know.” 

She shuffled up across the seat and linked her arm with Toni’s, head resting on hers. 

“You’re real freaking cute sometimes,” Toni said quietly, lacing their fingers together.

“Just sometimes?” 

“Shut up,” she laughed. 

They sat there in a comfortable silence for a while, cuddled up to each other. Every so often, Shelby’s lips would find Toni’s neck, or jaw, or cheek, and each time Toni would melt further into her. 

After some moments of stillness, Shelby lifted her head up and spoke.

“My dad, um...” She paused, searching for the right words. “He does some ‘therapeutic’ prayer sessions with people.” 

Not knowing whether to laugh or cry at that, Toni settled for a scoff. 

“Therapeutic? Jesus fucking Christ.” 

“Yeah, so forgive me for being a little, y’know, tense today. I didn’t really want you to find out, not like that at least.” 

Toni frowned with concern and turned to look at her. 

“Look, I don’t care about what your dad does, okay? Well, obviously I do, I just mean that it’s not gonna change my view of you. If anything I think you’re more of a badass than I thought.” 

Shelby raised an eyebrow up at her, half a smile on her face which Toni returned fully. 

“It takes courage to know who you are, especially in these types of situations. So I get why you’re all jumpy today, it’s chill. But don’t think you have to close up on me like that because of it.” 

“Yeah,” she sighed, shifting so that she was sat cross-legged, facing her. “You’re right. If he doesn’t know, then it’ll be fine. Right?” 

Toni could see just how badly Shelby needed this. Reassuring her, she linked their hands again and moved her thumb up and down soothingly.

“Exactly. He doesn’t need to know.” 

They paused for a moment until Shelby dropped her gaze down to their hands. 

“But it’s still not gonna be the same, is it?” 

It didn’t even sound like a question, because it wasn’t. Toni closed her eyes briefly, not wanting to believe or accept it. 

“No, but there’s always texting and calling. Plus sneaking around can be fun, right? Could be kinda hot.” 

“Yeah,” Shelby replied, tugging at Toni’s arm so that they could lean into each other again, not sure that she believed it either. 

-

Once it started getting properly dark outside, Shelby reluctantly retired herself to the driver’s seat with Toni shotgun. She tried to drive at the most acceptably slow speed possible, enjoying the feeling of Toni’s palm on her thigh while stalling their goodbyes as much as she could. 

When the car pulled up outside Martha’s driveway, neither of them said a word.

Shelby stepped out of the car first. Toni roughly put her head back against the headrest which made the whole back of the seat shake. She blinked and looked up, as if the tears could sink back into her tear ducts by her doing so. There were few things she wanted less than for Shelby to see her cry. 

Shelby opened the door for her, so she reluctantly stepped out, holding onto her backpack by its strap. They stood opposite each other for barely three seconds before their lips crashed together, Toni dropping the bag so her arms could hold onto Shelby. One hand on the small of her back, the other between her shoulder blades, Toni angled her head slightly to deepen the kiss. Shelby had one hand curled around her neck and the other on Toni’s cheek, pulling her face impossibly close to hers. 

Shelby should’ve cared that they were so out in the open like this, stood on the driveway, but in that moment all she could focus on or care about was the girl in her arms who she couldn’t let go of. 

When they were forced to pull apart for breath, Toni buried her face in Shelby’s neck, hugging her as tightly as she could. She didn’t want to stain her shirt with the tears she knew would inevitably fall soon. Shelby hugged her back, closing her eyes to take in all her other senses.

“Don’t go,” Toni’s voice cracked. “Please.”

Heart breaking, Shelby tightened her arms around her so much so that she was scared she’d hurt her, but Toni reciprocated it. Both were terrified that if they even dared to loosen their grip, the other person would vanish into thin air. 

“I don’t wanna leave you.” 

It was Shelby’s turn to choke up as she said that.

“You don’t have to,” Toni pleaded. She took a step back to look at her, their arms still around each other’s sides. “Like we said, we can call and text and sneak off. You’ll come to Marty’s all the time, you-“ She choked back a cry that bubbled up in her throat. _“Fuck,_ Shelby.” 

Unable to look her in the eyes, Toni retracted from her arms and turned around, shaking out her wrists as if it would physically get rid of the longing that burned inside her. 

“We‘re still friends, and friends meet up, right? We could go some place secretly, just the two of us. Like that spot we were just in, where you wanted to play freaking ice breakers with me the first time,” she laughed harshly with those last words, but it was softened when she turned back to look at Shelby and noticed the corners of her mouth turned up. Then they were both laughing for an unknown reason: maybe from stress, maybe at the predicament they’d found themselves in, maybe both. 

“You have the most beautiful laugh,” Shelby blurted out, not being able to help herself, but not really wanting to either. There was so much she wanted, needed to say to Toni in that very moment, but she was afraid that if she did, if she told her how she made her feel like she was floating every time she looked at her, if she told her how in the last few months she’d come to realise that she was the most beautiful person she’d ever met inside and out, she’d never be able to take it back. 

Toni shook her head before leaning in to kiss her again, softer this time. 

“We can do this, right?” she looked at Shelby with pleading eyes as she asked. 

“Maybe, Toni, I don’t know.” 

“We can.” 

She took Shelby’s hands and squeezed them tightly, relief washing over her when Shelby reciprocated it to reassure her. 

“We’ll try. I promise.” 

That was enough for her.

They walked hand-in-hand to the front door as slowly as they could. Once they reached it, Toni dropped her bag down onto the steps. 

“Goodbye, Toni,” Shelby barely whispered. 

“See you later.” 

Shelby planted a single, tender kiss on her cheek before turning away back to her car. Toni watched as she did so, unmoving. She kept watching as Shelby stepped inside, closed the door and then rolled down the window. The two stared at each other from across the porch until Toni sprinted across it to kiss her passionately through the open window, clutching Shelby’s collar for dear life. 

When Shelby’s tongue pressed against hers, she let out a low groan into her mouth, desperate for more even thought she knew she couldn’t have it. 

“You’re gonna have to drive away or I physically won’t be able to stop,” she murmured against her lips, which were now swollen and a deeper shade of pink. 

“I don’t want you to stop.” 

Toni moved herself closer, her head practically inside the car. Shelby wanted nothing more than to open the door, pull Toni onto her lap and carry this on.  But they both knew they couldn’t. 

“Call me,” Toni whispered, pressing their foreheads together. 

Shelby nodded and, despite it being the last thing she wanted to do, began to pull out of the driveway. 

Toni watched for a moment and then began chasing after the car, waving goodbye at her. Shelby watched through her rear view mirror, completely beguiled by the sight and sound of Toni running and calling “bye!” after her through that deep, loud laughter that Shelby loved.

Toni ran and ran until the pink convertible was out of sight. 

Back at home, she began to unpack her clothes before realising that she’d taken one of Shelby’s hoodies by mistake in place of the basketball one she had leant her last night. _Shame she wouldn’t see her for another week,_ she thought, putting it on and breathing in that scent of vanilla and citrus.

-

Shelby arrived home precisely five minutes before her family walked in through the door. She greeted them, feigning happiness as she hugged her parents and siblings. 

She was the first to enter the kitchen, noticing that bright blue bottle of chocolate syrup from a few days ago hidden behind a roll of paper towels. Trying to be as stealthy as possible, she grabbed it when nobody was looking and dropped it in the bin along with some of those paper towels, hoping it’d be unnoticeable to anyone who opened it. _Close save._

Dave asked her what she’d been up to over dinner while they were gone, to which she responded, “Not much, just catching’ up on assignments and watchin’ films. How was the lake house in Wisconsin?” When he asked her if she’d had Andrew over, she almost spit out her drink. 

Upstairs, she allowed herself to breathe a little, flopping down onto her sofa. She was about to check her texts, but then her father walked inside, a stern look on his face, holding out a purple-coloured packet. 

_Shit._

She thought back to the previous night, the way the wind had thrown it off of the roof before Toni could stop it. She cursed herself internally for forgetting about it.

“Look what I found in the garden, Shelbs,” he stated casually. “A half-eaten packet of, what are these exactly? _Takis?”_

Shelby looked at him, trying to hide how terrified she was in that moment. Her mind jumped to the worst possible conclusion: that maybe he somehow knew Toni’s favourite snack was Takis and that he knew she was a lesbian and he’d put two and two together and realised they’d spent the whole week with each other. 

“You know these things poison your soul, all this processed fake crap.” 

The casualness to his tone was the scariest part, the way it still managed to send a cold chill down Shelby’s spine. 

“It was only the one, daddy, I swear,” she said as innocently as possible. “I just wanted to try ‘em, and then I realised they were awful. It’s put me off ever doin’ that again.” 

Crinkling sounds filled the air as he crushed the packet in one tight fist, his cold glare never wavering. 

“I’m glad that’s the case then. You know how important it is to keep your body healthy. It’s your temple, after all, God gave it to you to take care of it. Can’t be givin’ in to temptation now, can we?”

“Yes daddy, I know. I promise you, I do not wanna eat somethin’ like that ever again,” her laugh was as fake as her words. “It’s gross.” 

“I’m glad to hear that.” 

With that, he left and closed the door behind him. The second it shut, Shelby let out the breath she’d been holding in. To try to prevent herself from thinking the worst again, she checked her phone for what was probably the first time in days. 

She had one missed call from Andrew four days ago and several texts from others: some casual ones from Becca and Martha, holiday photos from Fatin, Dot complaining about going back to Texas over break, and one that made her grin helplessly. 

It was a selfie from Toni which she’d taken from below her chest, her head tilted down to look at the camera with wide eyes and her mouth turned up, displaying all her teeth. She was wearing a hoodie that was a bit too big for her, and Shelby noticed it was actually hers. 

Toni: _look what i accidentally took from u lol, i got it mixed up with mine. can i keep it pls_

Still smiling, she typed out her response. 

Shelby: _Haha! Sure but give it back after Christmas break. Does this mean you left one of yours here somewhere? Xx_

Toni: _u type like such a straight girl_

Shelby: _???_

Toni: _yeah my basketball one is missing, so probably_

Toni: _wait fuck it has my name on it, will u be able to hide it?_

Shelby’s blood almost ran cold. 

Shelby: _For tonight. I don’t think I’ll be able to hide it all week._

Toni: _marty’s coming home tomorrow and i’m pretty sure ur house is on the way. she can probs pick it up i’ll just ask_

Shelby: _Won’t she suspect anything?_

Toni: _nah, she knows we hung out so_

Shelby: _Okay._

Toni: _sorry about that_

Shelby: _It’s okay. X_

Shelby: _Is it weird that I already miss you?_

Toni: _i miss you too_

Shelby bit her lower lip before getting an idea. She searched the room with her eyes before noticing it on the floor next to her bedside table - black fleece fabric in a small pile. She picked it up, put it on, and snapped a photo from the same angle as Toni had with the same silly expression on her face. 

Shelby: _Found it!_

Toni: _you’re so unbelievably cute shelby_

Shelby: _You’re making me blush._

Toni: _good._

Sighing, she sat upright on her bed, one leg over the other. 

Shelby: _It’s weird being in bed alone._

Toni: _is that an invitation?_

Shelby: _You wish._

Toni: _mine feels so goddamn empty._

Shelby: _Mine too._

Toni: _i’m gonna sleep in your hoodie tonight and pretend you’re here_

Shelby: _I really wish I was._

Toni: _once break is over we can have sleepovers with marty again_

Shelby: _True. But it’s not the same._

Toni: _why’s that?_

Shelby: _I won’t be able to do what I want with you._

Toni: _omg wow shelby are u sexting me rn_

Shelby: _No!!!_

Shelby: _I realise how that sounded though._

Toni: _lol. maybe some other time ;)_

Shelby: _Shut up._

Toni: _come here and make me._

Shelby: _Oh my Lord, Toni._

Toni: _lol. i’m really tired so can we call tomorrow?_

Shelby: _Of course. I’d like that._

Toni: _goodnight :)_

Shelby: _Goodnight Toni. Xx_

She placed her phone down on her bedside table and closed her eyes, breathing in the scent of the hoodie. Toni’s smell made her senses heightened, and she wanted nothing more than to keep wearing this until she could see her again.

Then it hit her. She would never be able to keep it the way Toni kept hers, or have her sleep next to her with the knowledge that they could both do anything when they’d like. She couldn’t have her over for a stargazing session on the roof again, she couldn’t kiss her when she liked, or tell her friends about her, or hold her hand in public or _anything_ of that kind. 

She knew that Toni could have any girl she wanted, and that definitely included girls who she wouldn’t have to sneak around for or hide with. _Who was to say she wouldn’t get tired of it and stop wanting anything from Shelby?_

She tried to snap herself out of those thoughts. It wasn’t even like her and Toni were exclusive, so why was she suddenly acting like they were? Toni could sleep with whoever she wanted as well as Shelby; they weren’t tied together, they weren’t in a relationship. Yet, the mere idea of Toni doing that sort of thing with anyone who wasn’t her made her stomach turn. 

Maybe things could be different if Shelby had a different father. _Maybe._

Tears that she’d been holding back all day came flooding out at once. She muffled her sobs with the fabric from the collar of Toni’s hoodie, the feeling of her scent making her cry harder. There was nothing she wanted more right now than for her to be here by her side, rubbing her arm and letting her sob into her shoulder, planting a kiss onto the crown of her head. 

But she wasn’t. Shelby was alone. And it was the most alone she had ever felt. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do y’all like it when i incorporate texts into the writing?? let me know besties. hope u enjoy this chapter <3

Toni: _hi i’m so sorry, marty came home earlier than i expected and i forgot to ask her to pick up the hoodie. maybe later today?_

Shelby: _It’s fine! I’m going last minute present shopping with my family so I’m going to be out all day, then it’s Christmas Eve/Day, so maybe on the 26th? Xx_

Toni: _sure_

Toni: _i’m genuinely sorry. i hope u can keep it hidden_

Shelby: _I’m good at hiding things._

Toni: _i can’t tell if that’s sad or some sort of euphemism_

Shelby: _Both?_

“Hey,” Martha called, walking into the room and sitting cross-legged on the foot of the bed. “Mom’s asking if you need anything from the mall? She’s about to go shopping.” 

“I’m good, thanks though,” Toni replied, placing her phone down. 

She asked Martha about how her dance competition went, and she said she came second place which made Toni swell with pride. Everything had gone okay for her during that week away from home and Toni couldn’t be happier for her. She listened attentively to her recounting the events of her time away, laughing at her jokes. It was really easy being with Martha, they clicked so well with each other. Still, a small pang of anxiety came over Toni when she was asked what she’d done herself over the week. 

“Not much,” she dismissed casually. 

“Not much? Come on, surely you did something. Didn’t you meet up with Shelby?” 

“Um, well yeah.” 

“What did you do?” Martha inquired. 

“We just hung out, watched some movies, you know.” 

Toni prayed to herself that she was as good at lying as she thought she was. It’s not like it’d be the end of the world if Martha knew, she’d never tell anyone about it. If anything, it might be nice to be able to gush to her best friend about Shelby the way she’d done when she had been with Regan - not that she was _with_ Shelby or anything. Martha was the only person allowed to see her so giddy and excited over a girl. But it was up to Shelby how, when and if she told Martha, so she chose to not disclose anything. Plus, she was scared it could somehow ruin the group dynamic between the three of them and she didn’t want that. 

“That sounds like so much fun,” Martha replied, moving to sit closer to Toni. They both ended up sat upright against the headboard, side by side. “I’m glad you guys actually ended up being friends and stopped faking it for other people’s sake.” 

Toni’s mouth hung open in shock. 

“How did-“

“Please, Toni, I’m not dumb,” Martha said, rolling her eyes. “I may not be a mind-reader like Fatin, but anyone with eyes could see how much you disliked her.” 

Toni sighed, shaking her head. 

“She used to be pretty annoying,” she mumbled through her lie. 

“Hey speaking of which, did you see those new photos of Fatin in Sydney?” Martha diverted with an excited demeanour, and Toni was grateful that the topic had moved on. 

They stayed there for another half an hour talking casually, until Martha excused herself to her room to do something else, and Toni was left alone again. She immediately reached for her phone to see another text from Shelby, to which she rapidly typed out a response to.

Shelby: _I’m not sure what it’d be a euphemism for though._

Toni: _you’re hiding the fact that you fucked a girl all over your house for a week_

Only a minute passed before she received a reply.

Shelby: _Shush!!!_

Toni: _can we call?_

Shelby: _I’m about to shower._

Toni: _can i see ;)_

Shelby: _Absolutely not._

Toni: _:( fine_

She put her phone back down and went to go downstairs, but then her phone went “ding!”. Hoping it was from Shelby, she grabbed it immediately, and was not disappointed in the slightest by what she saw. 

It was a mirror reflection of a pastel pink bathrobe, opened at the top to expose the pale skin of Shelby’s left shoulder, but still covering everything else. Her face was, _unfortunately_ , covered by her phone, but her _stunning_ blonde hair was visibly spilled over the right shoulder. 

Toni: _fuck me you’re hot_

Shelby: _I wish I could_

Toni hopped out of bed and went straight to the bathroom, locking the door behind her so she could take off her sweatshirt. She was left wearing only a cropped low-cut vest top that showed off her _very_ well-toned abdomen and just about enough of her chest. In the same way as Shelby had done, she took a photo of herself and sent it to her. 

Shelby: _I’m going to be thinking about that in the shower_

She returned to her bed and squeezed her legs together as she typed back. 

Toni: _what are you gonna do in there?_

There was no response for around fifteen minutes, which was expected. Like a middle-schooler waiting for an Instagram DM back from her crush, Toni nervously and aimlessly swiped back and forth between apps, not actually doing anything with them. When the name _Texas_ appeared at the top of her screen (no, she was no longer saved as ‘Bible Girl’ as Toni thought it was too ‘ _eh_ ’, but _Texas_ struck the balance between impersonal and affectionate without being over the top), she couldn’t fight the grin that crept up onto her face. 

Shelby: _Wouldn’t you like to know what happened._

Toni knew that Martha had to be watching something with her headphones by now as she usually did so around this time, so if she stayed quiet there would be nobody around to hear her. Thus, she dialled.

“Hi there,” came that drawl that made Toni fall every time. 

“Hi,” she breathed, having just completely come undone at hearing her. “I missed your voice.” 

She could hear the smile in her voice as Shelby replied, “Wow, a day without me and you’re like this?” She paused before continuing, “I missed yours too.” 

“How are you?” 

“I’m fine,” Shelby said, giggling at the formality of it all. “How are you doll?” 

“Fuck me,” Toni swore in a hoarse whisper, crumbling apart on the inside at that one singular word. She blinked at herself before rapidly adding, “I did not mean to say that out loud.” 

“Toni Shalifoe, do you have a thing for pet names?” asked Shelby, and Toni could physically see the shit-eating grin on her face. 

“Shut up, Texas,” she replied defensively. 

“Texas, that’s new. Where’d you come up with that one?” 

“Maybe it came from the fact that you’re Texan,” Toni deadpanned, but in a lighthearted way. “You’re Texan number two by the way, Dot gets the number one spot.”

“Ouch, that hurts. I thought I was ‘Bible thumper’ and ‘Jesus freak’ accordin’ to Marty,” she laughed, and Toni rolled her eyes because _of course Marty would mention that._ “I know you have me saved as Bibe girl on your phone, by the way. Is it Texas now? Or, rather, Texas number two?”

“How the hell do you know that’s what I had you saved as?” Toni asked. 

“I just do,” Shelby replied casually. “Besides, what happened to callin’ me babe?” 

“That was an accident,” she defended. “And it was one time.”

“Can we make it a two-time thing?” Shelby suggested, and Toni could hear the juxtaposition of shyness and anticipation in her voice. 

“Are _you_ the one with the thing for nicknames?” she teased back.

“I’m not the one who almost fell over in the kitchen because of one,” Shelby’s smirk was audible as she spoke. 

“I didn’t-“ she stuttered before composing herself. “Keep telling yourself that, babe.” 

Toni heard her shift around wherever it was that she was sat. 

“What are you doin’ right now?” Shelby asked, her accent slightly thicker. 

“Flirting with you,” Toni replied nonchalantly, practically hearing the eye roll from Shelby. 

“ _Toni_.” she chastised. 

“What are _you_ doing?” 

“I’m on my bed, in a towel,” Shelby replied as casually as she could. 

“Just a towel?” 

“Yep,” she popped the last consonant. “I really liked that picture you sent me.”

“Oh yeah?” Toni was trying to steer her in the right direction without pressing too much, but at this point her mind was running too fast to even form coherent sentences that weren’t two-word questions. 

“Mhmm,” Shelby elongated her words, wanting Toni to ask something more but realising that the poor girl was probably induced in a gay panic at the current situation. “You look so goddamn _hot_ , Toni.” 

She heard a quiet, soft groan over the line, followed by Shelby’s breathing becoming shallower. 

“Shelby, what are you doing?” Toni asked in a low voice, trailing off at the end. 

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” she replied, sighing.

“ _Shelby_.”

“I’m touchin’ myself,” she breathed out, voice shaky, but not with nerves. 

Toni pressed her legs together at that, extremely turned on by Shelby’s forwardness and confidence. 

“Tell me more,” Toni replied, trying to keep her own voice steady. 

“I’m just teasin’ myself,” she answered, and Toni could hear her breathing becoming more rapid. “Just goin’ up and down for now. I’ll wait for you to join before I go on.” 

“ _Oh_.”

Immediately, Toni kicked her tracksuit bottoms off and settled herself under the covers. While her right hand held her phone to her ear, her left snaked its way down her body and dipped under the fabric of her underwear - which was already incredibly damp - not wasting any time. 

“Tell me what to do, Toni.” Shelby’s voice sounded so incredibly _seductive_ that Toni was sure the sound of her talking like that would be enough to tip her over the edge. 

“Put a finger in,” she instructed vaguely. 

She heard a sigh escape Shelby’s lips as she did so. 

“I’m so wet already,” Shelby half-whispered. “Thinkin’ of you always gets me so riled up.” 

Toni did not miss that adverb of frequency. 

“So you’ve thought about me before, huh?” she said as more of an implication than a question. 

“Well duh, Toni,” Shelby laughed. “Have you seen yourself?” 

“Hmm,” was the only thing Toni could respond with as she slipped one finger inside of herself, unable to wait any longer. 

“Do you think of me?” 

The question sounded more shy and tentative than it did suggestive, which made Toni soften a little on the inside. 

“God, yes Shelby,” she practically moaned her name. “Remember that time when I took a shower at yours, after we went on the couch in your bedroom?” 

On the other end of the line, Shelby’s cheeks had turned a deep shade of pink with the memory of how she’d heard Toni’s soft moans that built up to her calling her name loudly from the bathroom. The memory of it her tightened the coil in her tighter and tighter.

“I used your shower head,” Toni continued. “And I thought about what we’d just done.” 

“I know, I heard it all,” Shelby replied casually, smiling at the knowledge that now it was Toni’s turn to blush furiously. “It was _very_ hot.” 

Toni swallowed thickly. She added another finger into herself, eliciting a moan from the back of her throat. 

“Add another one,” she instructed, and she could tell Shelby had obliged by the sound that came out of her mouth. 

“Are you doin’ the same?” Shelby asked, and Toni made a noise in affirmation. “I bet you feel so good right now, I wish I could be there to-“ She trailed off, having just curled her fingers inside of herself in _just_ the right way. 

“To do what, Shelby?” Toni inquired suggestively.

“I’d pin you against your mattress,” she replied, her voice in a mild slur from how turned on she was. “Hold your hips down so I could taste you, and-“ she was cut off by a moan that unwillingly escaped her lips caused by the sensation of her palm hitting her most sensitive spot. “God, Toni, you taste so good. I want you to bring your fingers up to your mouth so you can-“ another moan cut her off. “So you can see for yourself.” 

Toni wondered where on earth Shelby had learnt to be _this_ sexy. She obliged, putting her index and middle fingers inside her mouth. 

Shelby heard her do so, a very clear image of it in her head that only served to wind that coil further. At the sound of them popping out of her mouth, Shelby pressed down her palm, desperate for friction.

As if she could read her mind, Toni said, “Fuck, Shelby, rub your clit if you need to.” 

Shelby more than happily obliged, resting her phone on her shoulder so that she could make use of both her hands to bring herself over the edge. Expertly, Toni rubbed her own with her thumb, still holding the phone with her right hand. She was so close, but wanted to try to hold herself off for Shelby, so she tried to calm herself down as she listened to all the soft noises that would escape Shelby’s lips as she became more and more would up each passing minute. 

Shelby, on the other hand, was in no way intending to stop herself from coming, and so she did with a loud moan of Toni’s name into the phone. The way the sound made her feel shot right in between Toni’s legs. 

“Shelby,” she gasped, curling her fingers inside herself. The friction combined with knowing that Shelby had just come, the mental image it created in her head of blonde hair fanned across the pillow with Shelby’s head tilted back and mouth wide open with pleasure, pushed Toni closer and closer. 

“Let go, Toni.” 

And she was tipped over the edge, moaning Shelby’s name and writing against her own hand, back arching. She clenched around her fingers, feeling wetness drip down them.

After riding it out for what felt like eternity, she fell back onto her pillows, breathing heavily from the sheer intensity of her climax.

“Jesus _fuck_ , Shelby, wow,” she breathed, chest rising and falling quickly. “That was, _wow_.” 

“You okay there?” Shelby asked amusedly. 

“Yeah, just-“ Toni was cut off by the sound of the hallway floorboards creaking. “I’ll call you back, bye.” 

She hung up the phone and threw herself under the overs rapidly, pretending to scroll through her texts with her dry hand as Martha opened the door and popped her head round it. 

“Are you alright?” Martha asked, leaning on the door handle. 

“Yeah I was, uh, arguing,” she replied. “It was with Fatin, on FaceTime, she was annoying me. Sorry was I too loud?” 

“It’s chill, I only heard some noise and thought you’d hurt yourself or something,” she answered, shrugging. “Do you wanna take the dogs out for a walk with me?” 

Toni nodded, mentioning something about needing to get changed. Martha closed the door and went to get ready herself whilst Toni sent a quick one-handed text to Shelby. 

Toni: _lol marty thought i’d hurt myself_

Shelby: _Toni!!! That’s so bad!_

Toni: _i knoww omg but don’t worry i told her i was arguing on the phone and she fell for it_

Toni: _i think_

Shelby: _Surely she knows you do this sort of thing in private, though I’m not sure how you’d explain you moaning my name like that._

Toni: _hm. i have no clever comeback to that._

Toni put her phone down, cleaned herself up in the bathroom and got changed into outdoor clothing before stepping outside into the cold, snow-ridden street with Martha and her two dogs. As they walked, Martha asked what her argument with Fatin had been about, to which Toni responded “something stupid”, and the topic was left alone. 

That night, she called Shelby again - because why not - and the two talked for an hour until Shelby pointed out how late it was. 

“We should go now,” Shelby said, slightly sadly. “We’ll talk tomorrow though?”

“Sure, or we could fall asleep on the phone,” Toni said with a smile. She tried to pass it off as a joke, but they both knew she was being dead serious. 

“It’d run outta battery,” Shelby replied, the corners of her mouth turning up. 

“Leave it charging then, dumbass,” she joked affectionately. 

“You really wanna do this then, don’t you?” 

Toni grinned at how happy and light Shelby sounded. Something inside her wished she could make her feel like that all the time. 

“Maybe,” she replied. “Do you?” 

“Yeah,” said Shelby, and Toni could swear her heart burst at how sweet she sounded. 

“Dude I swear we’ve become so freaking domestic around each other,” Toni laughed. “I’m gonna lose all my street cred.” 

“Oh, I’m _so_ sorry about that,” Shelby drawled sarcastically. “Must be real rough for you.” 

“Yep,” she said, followed by a sigh. 

They sat there for a moment in each other’s silence. There was so much that both wanted to tell each other, but couldn’t bring themselves to say. 

“Goodnight, Toni,” Shelby whispered. 

“Goodnight babe,” she replied, biting her lip nervously. 

“I still can’t believe that’s your go-to,” Shelby blurted out teasingly, making Toni let out a small laugh.

“Why, are you complaining?” she teased back. 

“Never.” 

Some more silence passed between them, until Toni broke it by saying goodnight again.

“I plugged in my phone,” Shelby admitted. “So if you’re not gonna hang up then I won’t either.” 

“Okay,” Toni said quietly. “Goodnight, for real this time. I’m super tired.” 

“Me too. Sweet dreams,” she whispered back. 

When she woke up, Toni noticed her phone had turned off. But when she opened it, she saw that there was a text from Shelby waiting for her at the top of her screen. 

Shelby: _Merry Christmas Eve!!! I’m sorry that I hung up, but you were still asleep when I woke up and I had to go do stuff. It was fun to kind of sleep with you like that, even if it’s not as good as the real thing. I hope you slept well. Xxxxx_

The abundance of the letter ‘x’ made Toni grin helplessly. Even though she’d rather be found dead than use it herself without it being ironic, she thought it was cute that Shelby had used so many with her. _‘God, what am I turning into?’_ she thought. 

Toni: _good morning :)_

Her phone went off immediately. 

Shelby: _Good morning! How are you? Xx_

Toni: _i’m good, u?_

She placed her phone on the bed, dragging herself out of it to go to downstairs to eat breakfast. She was tired and groggy, but still, there was a slight skip in her step. 

-

Christmas Eve mostly involved Toni and Shelby helping their respective families prepare dinner for the next day. Toni had significantly less work, considering that Martha was a vegetarian meaning that there was no gigantic turkey to prepare, whereas Shelby had a huge meal for her and her extended family. Her and Marty ended up spending most of the day curled up under fleece blankets on the couch watching awful Hallmark films, Toni’s secret guilty pleasure. 

Every so often she’d send Shelby a text, and whenever she’d receive a response she’d smile uncontrollably. Martha, of course, caught onto this. 

“Who’re you texting?” she asked, glancing over at Toni’s face that was illuminated by blue light. 

“Just Shelby,” she mumbled. Martha grinned knowingly.

“You’re smiling like _that_ because you’re texting Shelby?” It was more of an accusation than a question.

Toni looked up to see the wide, shit-eating grin on her face. 

“She sent me something funny,” she tried to dismiss, but Martha wasn’t having it.

“Sure, whatever you say.” 

A cushion was thrown in her face, and the two girls laughed, no words needing to be exchanged for them to know exactly what the other was thinking. 

Toni and Shelby’s texts were random, to say the least. They had talked about anything and everything continuously all day. Shelby sent her some photos of the food she’d been preparing with her parents, and Toni sent a photo of Marty’s dogs which Shelby thought were cute. They told each other about their days, their favourite Christmas tree ornaments, their favourite Christmas songs and films, etcetera. It was casual. And it was comfortable.

Eventually, Martha fell asleep. After making sure she’d be warm and comfortable enough on the couch, Toni went back upstairs into her own bed.

The second the clock struck midnight, she sent Shelby a text, wanting to be the first to say it to her. 

Toni: _MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!_

Shelby: _Merry Christmas Toni!_

Several emojis of Christmas trees, presents and snowflakes followed Shelby’s words.

Toni: _shouldn’t you be sleeping? santa won’t come if ur awake_

Shelby: _Why aren’t YOU sleeping then?_

Toni: _i never get a santa lol. but i do get stocking fillings from marty’s mom_

Shelby: _Oh, I’m sorry._

Toni: _don’t be. bernice goes all out on them, they’re great_

Shelby: _We don’t get stockings._

Toni: _are u even allowed candy canes??_

Shelby: _Nope._

Toni: _wtf. that’s such bullshit. i’ll save u one of mine_

Shelby: _That’s real sweet, but you don’t have to._

Toni: _trust me imma have enough to last me for 3 christmases. (is that even the plural of christmas?) i’m pretty sure i still have 1/2 left from last time_

Shelby: _Hahaha. What are y’all doing tomorrow?_

Toni: _we’re gonna have lunch/dinner together and might watch some more movies but i’m pretty sure marty and i just watched every hallmark one under the sun. maybe we’ll go for a walk. wbu?_

Shelby: _You? Watching Hallmark movies?? I wish I was there to witness that. Is there photographic evidence?_

Toni: _shut up._

Shelby: _I’m probably doing the same as you. We have some family from Texas coming up, but thankfully they’re staying at a hotel and not here._

Toni: _do u not like them?_

Shelby: _I do but they can be tiring._

Toni: _igy igy_

Shelby: _I should probably go to sleep now. Goodnight Toni, sleep well._

Toni: _goodnight shelby <3 _

-

When she woke up at around ten o’clock in the morning, Toni noticed she had several texts from Shelby.

Shelby: _Good morning! You up?_

Shelby: _Okay I wanna do something._

Shelby: _Okay I’m gonna do it._

Shelby: _When you wake up, check behind that plant on your front porch. It’s under a rock._

Toni shot up and ran downstairs, not even bothering to put on a dressing gown for warmth. She swung the door wide open and checked behind the plant pot where, sure enough, there was an envelope - or rather two - under a medium sized stone placed there to stop them from flying away. That grin that seemed to never leave her face whenever she thought of Shelby reappeared, and she bent down to pick it up. One envelope read ‘Martha’, and the other read Toni’s name with a little heart dotting the ‘i’ because it’s Shelby’s doing, and of course she’d do that.

She went back upstairs, figuring she’d give Martha hers soon but not at that exact moment because she wanted to be alone while reading her own. Although, she wasn’t really sure what to expect. It’d probably just say “happy holidays”, but also Shelby had driven out there in the cold for no reason other than to drop those off when she could’ve just waited for classes to resume to give it to her then, so maybe it’d say something more.

Excitedly, she ripped open the envelope and took out the card. There were three glittery snowflakes on a blue backdrop on the front. Not too preoccupied with the exterior, she opened it up to read what was written inside. 

_“Dear Toni,_

_Merry Christmas! I hope you have an amazing day. Thank you for everything._

_\- Shelby x”_

Toni blinked a few times at it, trying to decipher any hidden meaning in it, until she realised there wasn’t any; it was just Shelby trying - and succeeding - to be sweet. Still unable to wipe that grin off her face, Toni sent her a text. 

Toni: _did u come all the way over here just to drop off a card that says “have a good day”?_

Shelby: _That’s not ALL it said._

Toni: _you’re really really sweet_

Shelby: _So are you, Toni._

Toni: _you’re also a hopeless romantic._

Shelby: _Okay, and what about it?_

Toni: _i like it_

Shelby: _Good. Because you’re going to have to put up with it a lot from me._

Her heart skipped a beat when she read that text. The implications were clear and they both knew it - Shelby had said that on purpose. The only thing she could text back was “good”, before joining Martha and her mom in the kitchen.

The rest of the day was spent mostly off screens. Toni loved the Blackburns and loved the opportunity to spend the holidays with an actual family, so she appreciated every moment of it. However, that didn’t stop her from every so often dropping a text to Shelby, who was telling her about her siblings’ reactions to receiving a trampoline as their main gift, which Toni thought was nice. In a way it was sort of like they could still spend parts of the day together.

Martha would throw her a questioning look every time Toni would smile down at her phone, putting it down to some secret crush that Toni wasn’t telling her about. She was kind of right. 

Later that night, Toni retired herself to her bedroom. On a whim, she dialled Shelby, and her heart picked up its pace when she heard her answer.

“Hi there,” said Shelby in a soft voice. 

“Hi,” Toni replied, barely whispering. She cursed herself for letting her body feel so _warm_ at just a simple greeting.

“Did you have a good day?” Shelby asked. 

“You practically spent it with me,” Toni laughed in response. “So you tell me.” 

“Yeah, I think today was good,” she replied shyly. “Not as good as actually spending it together but, you know.”

Toni jumped at the opportunity. “So you wanted to be with me for Christmas?” 

“Maybe,” she said. “Don’t flatter yourself.” 

“You know it’s not that common for people who are _just_ friends to want to spend Christmas day together,” Toni said with a tone as casual as she could muster, but Shelby heard the shakiness in her voice. 

“It’s not?” 

“Well, maybe, but considering everything else between us it’s, you know,” she continued, her voice trailing off at the end. “Kinda makes us sound like we’re girlfriends or something.” 

Shelby let out a singular nervous laugh.

“Toni, you know it’s- I mean, we definitely act like it,” she joked before pausing to think of the right words. “But it’s hard.” 

“I know,” Toni replied quietly.

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” Shelby continued defensively. “Because I d-“ she stuttered, not letting herself say it. “But I hope you know that the way I feel about you, it’s not... friendship.” 

“I know,” Toni replied again, still quietly. 

“Friends don’t look at each other the way I look at you, you know.”

Toni’s body could’ve burst into flames there and then. This knowledge wasn’t new to her, they _had_ already confessed their feelings towards each other that night on the roof, but hearing Shelby say it out loud again with such detail made her crumble inside. 

“I really like you, Shelby,” she said softly. 

“I really like you too.” 

After a brief moment of silence, Shelby broke it by speaking again. “I think that in a different... life? Time? Circumstance? We would be, you know.” 

“Yeah,” Toni agreed gingerly.

“Circumstances could change,” she added rapidly before bringing her tone back down. “But I don’t want you to wait around for me. Like, if you wanna actually, I dunno, _be_ with someone, someone who doesn’t have to hide, I’m not gonna stop you.” 

Toni paused to think carefully about how she was going to reply before saying, “I want to be whatever it is that we are now. I’m more than happy like this.”

Shelby’s heart fluttered at the genuineness in her voice. “So we just, um, stay as we are?” 

“Yeah,” Toni responded warmly. “If that’s what you want.” 

“It is.” 

If they had been in the same room, Toni would’ve leaned in to kiss her.

“Do you wanna stay on the phone again tonight?” she suggested hopefully. 

“Okay,” Shelby laughed, “now who’s the hopeless romantic?” 

“Shut up,” she laughed back. “Do you want to?”

“Yeah,” Shelby replied warmly. “I’d like that.”

Toni settled herself under the covers, placing the phone next to her head on the pillow. She’d never been so damn _sappy_ with a girl before, but Shelby brought out that side of her completely. And Toni just _let_ her. 

After speaking for a bit longer about lighthearted things, they said goodnight and drifted off to sleep next to their phones. 

In the morning, the line was still on. Toni smiled to herself as she picked up her phone. She couldn’t hear anything on the other side, and when she didn’t get a response when she said “hi”, she assumed Shelby was asleep. So, she turned off the call, sent a quick text to her, and went about her day. 

And that’s how the rest of break went. On most nights, they’d fall asleep on the phone to each other and wake up to a text from the other person. During the day they were usually too busy to message constantly, but that didn’t really matter to them because they knew they didn’t _need_ to; both knew that whenever they wanted to say something, the other would be there to listen whether that be immediately or several hours later. It was so _comfortable_ and normal that Toni allowed herself for just a moment to imagine themselves carrying this on during the rest of the semester without any obstacles - sneaking around all the time just to kiss in hidden spots because they wanted to, nobody stopping them.

Shelby let her mind run on that track a little more. She envisioned what it’d be like to actually _be_ with Toni; holding hands out in public, wearing each other’s clothes, going on actual dates to actual places outside. She thought about picking her up from basketball practice, and then seeing her in action at her games, cheering her on from the stands like a proud- 

Her mind didn’t let her finish that sentence - something about the word still scared her a little. But she wanted to. Her mind elaborated a bit more, letting her think about things in detail. She thought about the two of them driving to a field, walking out of the car hand in hand, that pink checkered blanket tucked under her arm whilst Toni carried a wicker picnic basket in hers. They’d both lay there under the sun, holding hands and giggling at everything and nothing - and _God_ , it sounded so sappy and movie-like but that was the closest vision Shelby had to a loving relationship and she wanted it all with Toni. She wanted the idealistic dates, the hand holding, the sharing clothes, she wanted _everything_ she knew she couldn’t have. 

But despite knowing that, as she lay in bed with her phone displaying Toni’s name and their call time next to her, she allowed herself to imagine having it all. 

On New Year’s, when the clock struck midnight, they were on the phone to each other as their respective families had fallen asleep. They both streamed the countdown from Times Square on their computers so they could watch it together, and once the time came they counted down from ten in unison. It wasn’t exactly a super romantic New Year’s kiss, but knowing that the other person was there was enough. Without mentioning it to each other, they both knew they were imagining what it’d be like to actually be able to do that. 

They fell asleep on the phone that night and the next. 

-

On the morning of the last day of break, Toni woke up to a dead line as usual, but no text from Shelby. She didn’t think much of it, going about her day normally after sending her one herself. 

Toni: _good morning. just remembered u still have my hoodie and i have urs lol. i also found ur denim jacket on my floor from ages ago so i should probably give that back to u tomorrow_

Martha asked her to go to the mall to take advantage of sales, and though Toni hated shopping with every fibre of her being, she went with her, grateful for the chance to do something. She ended up remembering she needed new basketball shorts, so they went into a sports shop briefly. While in there, something caught Toni’s eye which gave her an idea. 

“Why on earth do you need a swimming cap?” Martha asked confusedly as they approached the till. Toni shrugged. 

“You never know when you might need one,” she responded. ”Like, when you’re in a hot tub.” 

”What? don’t need them for those, Toni,” Martha stated, still very confused. 

“Wait, you don’t?” 

“Nope.” 

Toni blinked at the receipt, having just paid for it before shrugging and saying - “oh well!”. Because, after all, it’s the thought that counts.

Back at home, Toni pulled out a piece of paper and an envelope she found at the bottom of a drawer. There was so much she needed to say to Shelby that she knew she could never say out loud, and putting it into a text seemed too impersonal, so a letter was a good halfway point. 

Before she even started writing, however, she decided that she probably would never end up giving it to her - she was too scared. Besides, as much as Toni did sort of want to be as hopeless of a romantic as Shelby, it wasn’t about to be in a poetically-declare-your-feelings-in-a-letter sort of way. Still, there was so much emotion building up inside of her that she had to let it out somehow. This was the first time she’d ever used one of Martha’s tips on how to express feelings healthily for a _good_ feeling rather than anger - and as she got out a pen, she found herself realising that Shelby was the reason she’d been _extra_ happy lately. All the good things in life simply seemed _that_ much better when she was around. 

Biting her lip nervously, she began to write.

_Dear Shelby..._


	14. Shelby’s Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bet y’all weren’t expecting an update a day later. this is something slightly different. it’s short, but it’ll be very relevant to the plot later on. 
> 
> i wanted to give shelby a bit of a similar backstory while keeping becca alive (so there are no mentions of suicide in this chapter) and in the same class as shelby in minnesota rather than texas, because she deserves better. so this isn’t about becca. becca is alive. in minnesota. as she should be.

Shelby had never been given freedom to this extent before. Staying home alone for such a long period of time would have been completely out of the question a few months ago, but Dave and Jobeth Goodkind had lightened up since their move to Minnesota, feeling like now that Shelby was proving herself to be responsible enough to be left to her own devices. She had thanked the Lord for that all week. 

If she were to tell you that her original plan for the week didn’t involve Toni in some way, she would have been lying. The night Toni had asked her to come over, Shelby had been building herself up to ask that exact same question, but it made her feel good that Toni had initiated something like that herself. Surprisingly, Shelby did tend to be a very forward person, but sometimes it was nice to have someone else start things. 

The week that had followed was certainly the most unexpected thing of all - what, with the borderline sexting and actual phone sex and falling asleep on the phone together almost every single night.

Her whole life, she’d thought her first time would be with a man. However, there were no expectations, seeing as Shelby had never fantasised about it in the way she knew other girls did. Something about even the mere idea of having sex with a man physically repulsed her. For a long time, she thought that was because it was sinful to think of such things. Eventually, last summer in Texas, she realised the real reason why. 

She’d had a best friend there, someone she’d met at church when they were both around fourteen years old. The girl had pretty black locks and the most stunning brown eyes that made Shelby feel warm inside. When she was younger, she thought that she only felt more strongly towards her than she did towards everyone else because she was a _“real special friend.”_ As she grew older and her feelings matured along with her, she eventually came to realise that she was in fact in love with her. 

There wasn’t a specific moment that she realised it. It had always sort of been tugging at the back of her mind, the fact that she had feelings for her. It would always be floating around in her head, and one day she’d dared to say it out loud to herself and suddenly the world around her simultaneously felt like it was crashing down, yet totally weightless. 

She would’ve never dared to say anything, let alone act on it, but every time their hands would accidentally brush, or whenever they’d hold each other’s gaze a little too long, Shelby felt the weights get heavier and heavier. 

Last summer, the two girls had been at a sleepover at Shelby’s house, the way they’d been doing almost every weekend since they’d met. There was a bed that had been set up for her - because why would Dave Goodkind let his daughter share a bed with anyone other than her future husband on their wedding day - but she decided against using it that night, opting to sleep by Shelby’s side for the first time.

Shelby didn’t know what to make of this. For so long, she had been searching for any hint that the feelings she held might be requited. Every night, she would overanalyse everything she had said and done to Shelby, wondering if anything could possibly be a sign that she even remotely liked her. She’d convinced herself it was just signs of friendship; every time any small hint would be dropped, she’d let herself believe it could be more for just one split second before writing it off to her kind, friendly nature. But on that night that summer, with tentative fingers on her neck and a hand on the bed by her side, she found out how wrong she’d been. 

Unfortunately, Dave Goodkind also found out. 

He had no problem with walking into his daughter’s room without knocking. Why would he? In his view, there was no possibility that he’d walk in on anything inappropriate - his daughter was raised a good, conservative Christian - so what was there to hide? It was too late for her to be changing clothes, and the lights were out anyway, so there was no worry about that. He would simply slip inside, grab the spare phone charger he needed to borrow, and carry on with his night.

Clearly, he hadn’t anticipated opening the door to find Shelby underneath her best friend in the _same bed_ , their lips locked onto each other’s. Stunned with shock, he had covered his eyes as the girls shot up out of the bed, terrified by the incredibly ‘ _sinful_ ’ sight displayed in front of him. 

Shelby pleaded with him that she wasn’t the one who had initiated it, that she hadn’t even kissed her back, and there were no protests against that because both girls knew it was true that Shelby hadn’t initiated a thing. She was too shy and tentative for that, not to mention too confused about the meaning of her own feelings to ever initiate a kiss like that.

Dave believed her. Perhaps it was more because he didn’t want Shelby to be lying more than because he actually trusted his daughter, but regardless it relieved Shelby that he knew she hadn’t done anything herself; she knew what the consequences would be if he’d thought things had happened differently. He called her best friend’s parents to come pick her up, telling her firmly that she could never return again. 

That was the last night Shelby thought she saw her best friend. 

She thought she didn’t see her when she’d thrown tiny pieces of gravel at the window to gain her attention, begging for the chance for them to talk from the garden, the only response from Shelby having been “get lost”. 

She thought she didn’t see her when they’d brushed past each other in the hallways at school on the way to class, warm honey brown eyes pleading with her green cold ones. 

It wasn’t her, Shelby thought. Her best friend wasn’t like that, and neither was she. 

But she definitely didn’t see her when she came home to Fort Travis, Texas, fresh out of a two month long conversion therapy camp that her dad had sent her to at Dave Goodkind’s request. 

Shelby had heard that she was going away for most of the summer, and when it dawned on her exactly why, she spent the entire day being violently ill. She told herself that there was no way she could’ve anticipated it; she had been under the impression that her parents weren’t as strict as the Goodkinds and therefore would never sink to such a level that reached all the way down to hell. 

Dave had told Shelby one night that the last thing he wanted for his daughter was for her to be alone, which was why he was so adamant that Shelby never turned out like _that_ , “because those sorts of people will always be alone.” Her heart wrenched at the thought of her best friend far away from all that she loved - not because Shelby believed her father, but because she knew that being sent away to get “fixed” had to be the most isolating feeling in the entire world. Shelby told herself that the second she got back, she’d envelop her in the tightest hug and never let her go.

Most of her summer days were spent in bed, clutching the cross necklace around her neck desperately, praying for her best friend’s safety. Every single night she’d plead with God to bring her home safely and unchanged, still the way she’d been before she’d been sent away.

She hated herself that she’d allowed herself to see her differently after that time in her room - because she realised that night she’d seen her best friend clear as day. The confidence had seemingly come out of nowhere, and it had knocked the wind out of Shelby, the way she’d kissed her so fervently with such pure emotion that too closely resembled love. She hadn’t changed because of it, she hadn’t turned into someone new in that moment, she was being who she’d always been: the girl that Shelby loved. Yet, the disdain for _that sort of thing_ had been so far ingrained in her - it was almost like her father had handed her a pair of glasses with frosted lenses and made it so that she could only see her and herself through those. By the time she’d figured out how to take them off, it had been too late. 

When she came back, it seemed to Shelby that looking at her was like looking in a mirror. The hard clench in the jaw, the icy stares, the overly composed way she held herself as opposed to the carefree, joyous gait she had once owned - it all felt a little too much like Shelby. She recognised every single one of those traits all too well. The façade had been built up so high and strong that it would never be knocked down.

And it scared her. 

Shelby knew that’s what she had once looked like to her best friend - or rather former best friend. Yet, despite Shelby having appeared like that, she’d still been brave enough to kiss her. She’d still been brave enough to roll on top of her and curl her fingers around her neck and whisper that for all these years she’d been in love with Shelby. 

And now she was gone. 

The spring that she’d once personified had frozen into a cold harsh winter, riddled with blizzards and those icy stares that made Shelby’s blood run cold. It had left Shelby wondering - was _she_ like that, too? The thought iced her blood even more. 

So she became the one throwing pebbles at glass, and she was the one who was told to get lost. She even let herself remove the stone-cold shield from her gaze to let warmth shine through every time she’d catch her eye. But soon she couldn’t even bring herself to look at Shelby.

One day, she’d finally approached Shelby, pulled her aside and said, “I forgive you, and I understand, but we can’t be friends anymore.” And though Shelby didn’t feel completely absolved of some guilt despite knowing there had been nothing she could’ve done, that was the most she could have asked for. They hugged each other tightly, and Shelby made her promise to never forget who she was.

When her parents informed her that they were all moving to Minnesota, Shelby was forced into doing two things. Firstly, to change her phone number and cut contact with the girl who had kissed her - not that she needed to do much seeing as she’d changed her number and blocked Shelby herself, most likely at her parents’ request. Secondly, something which she made herself promise, was to never _ever_ let herself show that she felt anything towards a girl, not daring to risk hurting herself or whoever may be on the receiving end of her feelings. 

The second that she met Toni Shalifoe, the second promise evaporated into thin air. 

Toni with her dazzling smile paired with bright eyes, her low voice that made her feel a million and one things, her brilliant sense of humour, her fiercely loyal and passionate character that she never held back from Shelby. Shelby pulled out all the stops for her, wanting nothing more than to not waste this golden opportunity to be with a girl who was so _unbelievably_ perfect to and for her. Toni was worth every risk and more. Which is why it pained Shelby so far beyond words to have to return to that second promise on the very last day of break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again, that was not about becca!


End file.
